The long road home.

[Temujin]

So, long prelude short, I drove 3 hours last night to pick up my mom who was staying with a relative in the hospital and was without her vehicle. This was the first time I had talked to my mom face to face after coming out to my parents again (http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6697). Needless to say, I was dreading the 3 hour drive back to my house and the her staying with me until dad comes to pick her up this weekend.

She's been under a lot of stress lately dealing with my coming out, her sick brother, and her mother who has extreme personality swings caused by a stroke so we basically talked about other matters for a little over an hour into the drive. I eventually steered the convo there by talking about her youngest sister who is a lesbian, but I had to be careful because her sister is not a positive role model type person (she brought it up). I think the strain between my mom and her has shaped a lot of my mom's perception of the gay community.

Anyway, it went surprisingly well and we made some good progress I think. Like I said in my other post, my mom thinks gay = bad. We 'debated' for most of the rest of the trip with me trying to drive home the point that she should judge people based on who they are not who they are attracted to. She only cried once - not a whole lot even then - and that was when we first started talking about it. We got on the subject of children and I told her that I really, really do want to raise kids eventually. She thinks being gay is "the easy way through life" for reasons I don't want to get into here. So I asked her which is harder: a heterosexual couple raising kids or a same-sex couple raising kids. She actually said the same-sex couple would have the harder time; that alone is progress. After that I went for the coup d'gra saying that I want those challenges because nothing in my life has come easy and that I wasn't about to give up now. I let her think on that for the rest of the trip.

Progress? Perhaps. She's going with me to my therapy session this evening. That should be fun. :icon_bigg

[beckyg]

Let us know how the therapy session goes. I think continuing to talk to her about it all is going to lead to much progress. It's never good to let things just sit. It will be good to have the mediation of a qualified therapist also. I hope she continues to go with you! Good luck! :)

[CrimsonThunder]

Congrats on ur progress!

Would you be able to tell us about this? I have no idea why people would think this:

She thinks being gay is "the easy way through life" for reasons I don't want to get into here.

[donnie5]

good job i just recently came out to my mom and it has been hard so good job on your progress

[Astaroth]

Well, it sounds like things are ever-so-slowly making progress for you. Obviously, you do have a long road ahead, but this road trip and weekend with mom might be just what you need to really show her you're a good person, not just read it. Any progress is good progress. It wasn't too long ago that you said you might just cut things off between each other, so I'm glad to hear that things might just work out. Congrats!

[panda]

Great progress..:thumbsup:

[ccdd]

I'm glad to see that you're talking to her, and that she seems willing to talk to you - although she seems to have picked up negative images of gay people along the way, it seems as though she is willing to try and see you differently. The fact that you spoke for so long and that she is going to therapy with you is a very good sign I think, as it shows great willingness on her part to understand - even if she isn't fully supportive and knowledgable about the realities of being gay yet.
Congrats :)

[Sam]

I think you are making progress! I know things will keep getting better.

[Temujin]

To describe this as a roll-a-coaster ride would not do it justice.

We went to the therapy session together, but I don't think she got much out of it. It's pretty clear she is very entrenched in denial. The truth came out during the session about what my parents were thinking between my first coming out and the second 12 years later. Long story short, they thought I had grown out of it and had thus become "normal". She blamed me for misleading them in doing things to make them think I was not gay. I'll honor that. My mom would not ask the therapist questions to which I can only assume she knew what the answer would be: is it a choice, can it be changed, etc.

Most of the time was spent talking about communication and choice of words. The therapist encouraged her not to talk in ultimatums which my mom basically balked at. She brought up that I am reading too many books related to coming out and being gay saying that i'm working too hard and putting too much energy into "trying to be gay". She said she would rather I put my energy into trying not to be gay or "controlling it" as she says.

She says I will "change" though she still has not explained how only saying that she's seen it happen. My dad drove up to pick her and my sister up at my place on Friday and I said very little while they were there. When we talked later she pointed to that as proof that I was changing, that I wasn't myself anymore. Well, damn, how is one supposed to act when his parents have essentially rejected him let alone expressed obvious disapproval?

Anyhow, I don't think the therapy helped any but then nothing is going to come out of just one session. I suggested she see someone on her own but know she won't. She knows that might lead to acceptance so she chooses not to.

As far as me, i'm doing fine and almost have my feelings about their rejection/disapproval under control. I answer the phone when they call and give a firm no when asked if i'm coming home this weekend or the next. I <3 my parents very much but can honestly say that, right now, I don't care if I ever see or talk to them ever again. I know that's not going to happen but it is how I feel.

So, basically, this is probably the last I will write about this here in the coming out forum. Nothing about my situation is going to change in the short term so there is no need to bore everyone to death with these "I think maybe? No? Oh, wait, they might be? Doh, nevermind." posts. I'm gay, i'm cool with it, I have friends who accept me, and i'm looking for someone who'll love me for who I am, not what they want me to be. It's selfish of me to ask for more than that right now.