Cheese Love
6th Feb 2008, 09:10 PM
It's been a ritual to go to church every single Wednesday for youth group or lent services ever since we were in confirmation together. Speaking of, that's how we met.
Lately, we've both stopped going. For me, it's just a battle in my head between religon and morals, which I'm sure a lot of you know about. Going to church often makes me want to die or something like that, and I've been giving myself time to sort all of that out. We'll still go on occasion, and especially tonight because we happen to like the lent services because there's no youth group.
So, right away after school we hang out at church, go to the service, go home. Sometimes I drive her home, and she asked me the other day if I would. I've been trying to come out to her for a long ass time, thinking about it since summer. Sometimes I say I'll tell her and I can feel I won't, but today I had that gut feeling that I was really going to do it. And a positive, she lives farther away and it would give me time to speak up.
Every light would come and I'd tell myself to say it, but wouldn't. Finally I'm on her road and start going,"Okay, ummm..." And then stuttering about how I don't have any idea why I'm doing this, but I have to.... I was just a stuttering mess, pulled into her driveway and she calmly, unbelievaby nicely said, "Just say it." And so, I said it: "I'm...I'm I'm..Gay."
Dead silence. So I started stammering how sorry I was that I said that and trying to explain myself and she goes, "Rachel, just say it."
I guess I didn't speak up enough O.o
So, I said it a second time, this time a little better. Total relief: "Rachel.. That's really cool. I'm honored that you would tell me." I forgot what I started saying after this, probably how relieved I was AND THEN... "Okay, seriously... I.. Think I am too."
WHAM.
When thinking about this situation, it's easy to doubt it.. But she was 100% serious and totally sincere.
It was the most amazing experience ever... We sat there for maybe thirty minutes and were just able to talk about everying. Before that, we always told eachother everything, even our problems with self-injury and abuse we've goen though.. Shit, we understand everything the other person is talking about.
I'm just so amazing happy right now. For the longest time, although I'm out to a couple friends, I've thought there's no one person who would understand if I tried to explain what was going on it my head.. And she totally does.
She thanked me for having the courage to speak up and that it helped her so much, but she helped me so much, too.
Damn I feel good! :D
For the longest time I thought tears of joy were a myth... No, I didn't cry but I absoultely know what that feeling is now.
Lately, we've both stopped going. For me, it's just a battle in my head between religon and morals, which I'm sure a lot of you know about. Going to church often makes me want to die or something like that, and I've been giving myself time to sort all of that out. We'll still go on occasion, and especially tonight because we happen to like the lent services because there's no youth group.
So, right away after school we hang out at church, go to the service, go home. Sometimes I drive her home, and she asked me the other day if I would. I've been trying to come out to her for a long ass time, thinking about it since summer. Sometimes I say I'll tell her and I can feel I won't, but today I had that gut feeling that I was really going to do it. And a positive, she lives farther away and it would give me time to speak up.
Every light would come and I'd tell myself to say it, but wouldn't. Finally I'm on her road and start going,"Okay, ummm..." And then stuttering about how I don't have any idea why I'm doing this, but I have to.... I was just a stuttering mess, pulled into her driveway and she calmly, unbelievaby nicely said, "Just say it." And so, I said it: "I'm...I'm I'm..Gay."
Dead silence. So I started stammering how sorry I was that I said that and trying to explain myself and she goes, "Rachel, just say it."
I guess I didn't speak up enough O.o
So, I said it a second time, this time a little better. Total relief: "Rachel.. That's really cool. I'm honored that you would tell me." I forgot what I started saying after this, probably how relieved I was AND THEN... "Okay, seriously... I.. Think I am too."
WHAM.
When thinking about this situation, it's easy to doubt it.. But she was 100% serious and totally sincere.
It was the most amazing experience ever... We sat there for maybe thirty minutes and were just able to talk about everying. Before that, we always told eachother everything, even our problems with self-injury and abuse we've goen though.. Shit, we understand everything the other person is talking about.
I'm just so amazing happy right now. For the longest time, although I'm out to a couple friends, I've thought there's no one person who would understand if I tried to explain what was going on it my head.. And she totally does.
She thanked me for having the courage to speak up and that it helped her so much, but she helped me so much, too.
Damn I feel good! :D
For the longest time I thought tears of joy were a myth... No, I didn't cry but I absoultely know what that feeling is now.