Andrew Rn2bSoon
7th Feb 2008, 10:29 AM
Hello everyone,
<===== My name is Andrew (my picture), I recently stumbled upon these forums and it is the best thing i could have ever imagined. I will be 23 in early march and have known i was gay since the age of 19, but subconsciously have known i was always "different" than all my friends and family as early as 16 years old. Anyway being in the "closet" the last 4 years have been the worst years of my life, and it feels like this never ending feeling has been "eating" away at my insides for the longest time and i feel terrible about myself everyday since the age of 19, i have felt that i have been wasting away my youth for all these years trying to pretend to be someone else, someone everyone wanted and expected me to be. But i cannot stand living a lie anymore, i just become to exhuasted from the "straight act" everyday that i was begining to Isolate myself from family and friends by pushing them away because of myself being gay and subconsciously trying to weaken the blow i would feel if they rejected me after i told them who i really am. This forum has given me the strength and courage that i did not have four years ago, i am going to give my parents a letter that i wrote since i am shit for words and freeze up in fear eachtime i want to tell them face to face. This will be weird and i am still very terrified since i still live at home and am still in college journying on the way to my own career...this will sound sterotypical for the gay man, but i am aspiring to get into nursing school and become a Rn with my ultimate goal of becoming a CRNA one day in the near future.
I have read so many wonderful stories about boys and girls of all ages being happily gay and "out" to the world. I can nolonger live a lie, it is just taking too much energy out of me pretending to be "straight". A normal day for me is somthing like this, I wake up everyday and if someone is home i say "Good morning" and i leave to class pretending everything is alright, when infact everything is wrong. After 4-5 hours of arduous classes such as A&P2 w/lab, Microbiology w/lab and a few others as i am trying to juggle 16credits. I finally get home when my classes have ended. I walk in the door feeling like a worn out withered old man with a kane, or completly streched to the max like not enough butter on toast. My personality has suffered as a result of this and i have become withdrawn, dull, and silent from friends and family and have no energy left to be "me" at the end of the day because more than half of my energy was used putting on the "straight act" and i just feel completly EXHAUSTED. I can't put on this ACT anymore. I am ready to tell my parents first either today or tomorrow for sure, and my two brothers soon after. Someone once said, "Live life, or die trying" (kinda sounds like 50cent with "get rich or dye trying") anyway, im ready to face the heat, cause its better to be HAPPY and LIVE LIFE FOR WHO YOU ARE than to ACT another way in fear of the consequences and rejection..i am ready and still terrified of what my parents faces will look like when they read this letter that i have poured my heart and soul into writing..overall, once its said and done, i think they most likley will be completely floored at first, but will hopefully accept me for who i really am because they are best caring parents i could have ever asked for in a 1000 lifetimes, and will continue to love them no matter what happens as a result of them knowing the REAL ME..:eusa_doh:
I love these forums and hope to hear from everyone. This is the scariest moment of my life, i am a 100 more times terrified of this outcome, compared to when i had to give a senior speech infront of 600 people (entire school) inorder to graduate back in 2003...sry for such a long post...i just had to get it out their..hope to hear from you boys and girls soon:eusa_doh:
<===== My name is Andrew (my picture), I recently stumbled upon these forums and it is the best thing i could have ever imagined. I will be 23 in early march and have known i was gay since the age of 19, but subconsciously have known i was always "different" than all my friends and family as early as 16 years old. Anyway being in the "closet" the last 4 years have been the worst years of my life, and it feels like this never ending feeling has been "eating" away at my insides for the longest time and i feel terrible about myself everyday since the age of 19, i have felt that i have been wasting away my youth for all these years trying to pretend to be someone else, someone everyone wanted and expected me to be. But i cannot stand living a lie anymore, i just become to exhuasted from the "straight act" everyday that i was begining to Isolate myself from family and friends by pushing them away because of myself being gay and subconsciously trying to weaken the blow i would feel if they rejected me after i told them who i really am. This forum has given me the strength and courage that i did not have four years ago, i am going to give my parents a letter that i wrote since i am shit for words and freeze up in fear eachtime i want to tell them face to face. This will be weird and i am still very terrified since i still live at home and am still in college journying on the way to my own career...this will sound sterotypical for the gay man, but i am aspiring to get into nursing school and become a Rn with my ultimate goal of becoming a CRNA one day in the near future.
I have read so many wonderful stories about boys and girls of all ages being happily gay and "out" to the world. I can nolonger live a lie, it is just taking too much energy out of me pretending to be "straight". A normal day for me is somthing like this, I wake up everyday and if someone is home i say "Good morning" and i leave to class pretending everything is alright, when infact everything is wrong. After 4-5 hours of arduous classes such as A&P2 w/lab, Microbiology w/lab and a few others as i am trying to juggle 16credits. I finally get home when my classes have ended. I walk in the door feeling like a worn out withered old man with a kane, or completly streched to the max like not enough butter on toast. My personality has suffered as a result of this and i have become withdrawn, dull, and silent from friends and family and have no energy left to be "me" at the end of the day because more than half of my energy was used putting on the "straight act" and i just feel completly EXHAUSTED. I can't put on this ACT anymore. I am ready to tell my parents first either today or tomorrow for sure, and my two brothers soon after. Someone once said, "Live life, or die trying" (kinda sounds like 50cent with "get rich or dye trying") anyway, im ready to face the heat, cause its better to be HAPPY and LIVE LIFE FOR WHO YOU ARE than to ACT another way in fear of the consequences and rejection..i am ready and still terrified of what my parents faces will look like when they read this letter that i have poured my heart and soul into writing..overall, once its said and done, i think they most likley will be completely floored at first, but will hopefully accept me for who i really am because they are best caring parents i could have ever asked for in a 1000 lifetimes, and will continue to love them no matter what happens as a result of them knowing the REAL ME..:eusa_doh:
I love these forums and hope to hear from everyone. This is the scariest moment of my life, i am a 100 more times terrified of this outcome, compared to when i had to give a senior speech infront of 600 people (entire school) inorder to graduate back in 2003...sry for such a long post...i just had to get it out their..hope to hear from you boys and girls soon:eusa_doh: