Out to my mom too soon :(

[Brett]

Last night I was on te chatroom talking with Beebo and Monique, when my mom walked into the room..........She saw that I was in a chatroom and started asking who I was talking to........and I'm a horrible liar. I just couldn't think of anything to say. So then I just start telling her that I'm not taking any drugs or anything like that. But eventually she got to the question of whether I was gay or not, and I tried sooo hard to lie, but I just had this hysterical look on my face and she knew that I was lying..........

She just put her head in her hands and said, "NO! You just can't be......your not!"......."Your going to kill your dad!"

I just couldn't take it any more...so I ran to my room and shut the door...then she walked in and sat next to me and started saying that this was wrong and that I shouldn't do it. That it was a miserble way to live. She kept asking me why I thought that I was gay, and I just kept wanting to say " I DON"T JUST THINK DAMNIT!" but I couldn't do that to her..........so she eventually stopped acting so mad and started to ask me if I was hanging out with any other gay ppl, and of course I said no, but obviosly I am, just not in real life. And now she wants we to find more normal friends than the ones I have, and she says that I'm not allowed to hang out with gay people at school, because she thinks that they're encouraging my being gay. And she also wants me to stop telling people at school and to NEVER tell anyone in the family, but I don't think that I'll stop comming out.......
But at the end of the night she just kept saying that she loves me over and over again, but It's not quite the same......
It started raining when we were done talking and it just stopped a few hours ago..........I walked down stairs last night to see what was going on, and I saw my mom staring out the window. It looked like she was crying.........
So now my mom knows, but my relationship with her is pretty much dead.........I just wan't ready to tell her yet...........thanks for listening..........it just feels so good to vent all of this...........

[trumpetkid23]

Hey man, I am so sorry that it had to happen that way....

But look on the plus side. If she keeps telling you that she loves you, then she'll learn to love you for who you are. And having one person in your family on your side (even if it takes some time) will prove to be great help for the rest of your family. It sounds like you should give her a little bit more time to process things and then sit down and have a heart to heart to explain things to her. And just make sure she understands that your being gay is just one part of who you are, and that you're the same son she's always loved. I know it's tough now, but from what you've said, she will be ok in time.

If she starts trying to "turn you straight" then be sure to tell us all and we can try and help you deal with that.

(*hug*) (*hug*) It will all be ok. Keep your chin up!(*hug*) (*hug*)

[Orion]

Accidental coming outs are the hardest to process by the people you tell them, as you take them by surprise. Denial is a bitch. I agree with the poster above, you know your mother loves you and you shouldn't doubt that. She's obviously scared of what might happen but then again you aren't planning on doing anything stupid are you?:icon_wink

Relax and let as know how it goes, you can always find someone in EC.

[Astaroth]

Yeah, trumpetkid23 is right on this one. Follow-up is going to be key here. At least she says that she loves you still. It will take time for her to process all of the information she is realizing has been true all this time. She reevaulating past situations that are now in question. She's mourning the loss of her illusion of you. At least she's progressing, though. Bitterness and sadness come after denial, so one stage is already out of the way!

But anyway, follow up. If you don't feel comfortable talking to her face-to-face again (or suspect that you won't be able to say what you mean), then considering writing her a letter and handing it to her. At least she can read what you really mean. And if she asks questions, as hard as it is, it's important to be honest at this stage. Lies have a way of making the process harder because they're going to come back to haunt you eventually.

Good luck! Let us know how things progress. (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

[Brett]

She's obviously scared of what might happen but then again you aren't planning on doing anything stupid are you?:icon_wink

LOL It's funny that u mention that. She asked me not to do anything stupid about 50 times......

[danielbjr07]

well....thats almost sorta what happened with me but my dad reacted much worse .......he said he wanted to kill himself,......

[BabyBoy]

omg, I'm sorry that it happened like that. Just let your mom know that it definately isn't YOUR choice, and you can't just go and be with girls cuz it would be the right to do in HER opinion. You have to live your life the way you feel comfortable.

[littledinosaurs]

*hugs* Thats not good :(
i hope things get easier!!!!
i can't give you advice, mainly cuz i just don't talk about it with my parents.

[Wander]

Give her some time to settle down - you're the best judge on how long to give her - and have a calmer talk with her later. Accidental outings are tough, but once she's faded out of the depression and anger, it's much easier to explain the situation. Some key things to remind her are that it isn't your choice, and you don't just think. If you're certain of your status, tell her that. It may take awhile, but most people warm up to those facts eventually.

[Alex89]

After letting her settle down again, you'll need to explain to her exactly what being gay is - she obviously still thinks it's a "choice" to be gay, and that all gay people follow the stereotypical gay lifestyle. prepare what you're going to say to her if you have trouble thinking on the spot, as she really needs to know what it means before she blows it out of proportion. Try not to get mad with her, and explain things logically and clearly without resorting to yelling.

Good luck!

[Luroon]

My heart aches for the unfortunate circumstances of this situation. As you continue to learn how to deal with your mother as an uncloseted individual, do as best as you can to exercise patience with her. When you gotta let off steam, don't forget EC always has a good shoulder to cry on. Stay strong, be true to yourself, and continue on as best as you can.

[NathanHaleFan]

Oh, I'm sorry! Denial, I think, won't subside very quickly unless you remain steadfast and assert your position. Good luck, and stay strong.

[biisme]

I'm so sorry honey. You shouldn't have had to tell her until you were ready.

If you need to talk, PM me.

:kiss: (*hug*) :kiss: (*hug*) :kiss: (*hug*)

[Andrew Rn2bSoon]

ohh man im sorry she reacted that way. How did the conversation from her seeing you writing in AOL AIM chat windows turn to drugs and then to being gay? I found that kinda weird...Why didnt you just say " Im just talking with some of my friends on Instant messenger" and leave it at that...you should print off that PFLAG DAUGHTERS AND SONS book that becky recommends...It is filled with good information that may open your moms eyes. Dont let her tell you "NO you cant, i wont let you" and if she says that again, say "Its not somthing i can control nor change" . Print that book off and educate your mom on homosexuality...she seems very uneducated about it...i think it would help you and her both out. Good luck and let us know how everything is going(&&&)

[Rizpaz]

Aww man(*hug*) that sucks. Ask Becky to send you some PFLAG stuff.

Hang in there dude.(*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

[Brett]

ohh man im sorry she reacted that way. How did the conversation from her seeing you writing in AOL AIM chat windows turn to drugs and then to being gay? I found that kinda weird...Why didnt you just say " Im just talking with some of my friends on Instant messenger" and leave it at that...

Yeah I forgot to include this part. She's been noticing that I've been eating less and talking less with my friends, so she kept asking my what I was hiding from her, and when I couldn't think of a lie, she just started guessing things.
And I did tell he that I was talking with a friend from school, but she asked who it was and I said it was Eathan. But she logged on to my AIM and didn't see Beebo's name (that's who I said was Eathan BTW) and asked why I was talking to some one that wasn't on my friend list.
Yeah sorry I left that out......

[Nicvcer]

I say you go ahead and tell everyone you know so your mom can't trap you in denial.

[Andrew Rn2bSoon]

Just remember ...now that she forced you out of the closet...theirs no going back, DONT SAY I DONT KNOW IF IM GAY or somthing like that. She will think you are confused and not know what you want. That could make things bad cause then she will try everything she can to get you to like or talk to girls. Stand your ground man! lolo keep us posted! :lol: (&&&)

[pirateninja]

You may want to write her a letter, describing that it isn't a choice and whatever you feel neccessary to tell her. It means you can get across all the points without resorting to a shouting match. At least she made it clear that she loves you, so it's a start. And I'm sure Becky would give you some PFLAG material if you need.

Sorry it had to happen like that. Stay strong.

[trumpetkid23]

Showing your maturity is probably the most important thing you can do at this point. Show that YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Since you're still a little younger, it's common for parents to think that this is "just a phase" or that "you're confused". The best thing that you can do is be completely mature about this situation and every situation. Don't show the signs of a stereotypical adolescent. If you can prove that you're mature and responsible, then she'll have no reason to think that this is "just a phase". And talk to her about it and keep it civilized. Or write a letter, if you don't think you can do that. Hang in there man. It'll work out!

[darkravenvt]

My son did not want to come out to me at first and said he was going to a "girlfriends" house. She is his friend but that is all. So, when he first told me I was like no your not what about your girlfriend? Then he told me she was just a friend. Give your mom some time she will come around. My best friend's son came out earlier this year and she reacted just like your mom and now after some time she has met her son's partner and is doing much better she relizes that he is still the same person he was before and that she will always love him no matter what.(&&&)

[Hollywood]

Time can do some amazing healing.

[beckyg]

I would be happy to mail the PFLAG information or you can print it off. You can find it as a sticky called PFLAG Publications at the top of Support and Advice. Your mom is reacting this way because she is very afraid of something she doesn't understand. Please whatever you do, don't NOT talk about it. You need to talk about it to help her understand. (*hug*)

[ohioboy]

awwww sorry:(

[biisme]

how's it going honey since you last posted?

[NobodyKnows]

If they only knew how much I wish I could just turn it off like everone suggests.