And what about her?

[goratrix]

Ok... I am quiet obsessive (as you probably noticed in the past few weeks).

Let me start with a little story (or you may call it background... XD)

one year ago, a friend of mine had a crush on me. She was always with me, and since I'm not stupid (oh, well maybe a little) I noticed what was going on. So one night i just took her and told that I just wanted to be friends with her, and NOTHING else. I emphasized the NOTHING. I think she got a little hurt, but we remained friends. A few weeks ago I came out to her, and explained what went on that night, and that the only reason that I didn't want anything else with her was the fact that I'm gay. Because in fact, I was a little tempted... still, I chose to remain true to myself.

Now I am facing the same problem all over, althoguh this time is harder, and different.

There is this girl, we became quiet close in the past few weeks, she has had a crush on a guy for years (let me say that fate is laughing at my face right now)... and yes, it couldn't have been any other way. It's the same guy I have a crush on... oh, well. I guess great harts feel alike (XD). Now, in the past few weeks I think I helped her get over him (not that she needed much help) I just listened very carefully and gave her basically the same advice I was given here.

Now, last week she asked me for an Avril Lavigne CD. So I downloaded her latest album (under my skin) and burnt it for her. Then she asked me about a son (I'm with you). So I looked it up, and downloaded Avril Lavigne's prior album (let go) and burnt it for her. She asked me what it meant (she doesn't speak enlgish) so I translated it for her, and she said that she dedicated that song to me. Like in a radio... but no radio involved. Ok, that was not clear at all. Anyway, the fact is that I am seeing in her a lot of signs I used to see with my other friend (the one I'm out to I'll call her LM) And I fear that she might be changing her crush on this guy over a crush on me (which would be worse for her, and me). And I don't know how to discourage her... I know she couldn't take what I did to LM, she's not that strong, and she is in a specially delicate moment in her life. I actually considered comming out to her, but then another question arose.

What if when I come out to her, she asks me: oh, so do you like [THE GUY WE BOTH HAVE A CRUSH ON]?
I couldn't lie to her... I hate to lie... but I'm afraid that if I answer: Yes I do
she will feel betrayed, and that will hurt her more than anything else.

Oh... I'm not sure this makes sense... Anyway, I'll talk about this with LM on thursday (we're going out yuppi!) but If I have a little perspective by then it won't hurt... XD

Oh, btw, I probably won't be seeing a lot of her in the next few weeks... It's easyer to avoid her than to avoid Mr. 'THEY ALL FALL FOR ME'

ok... now I know I'm not making a lot of sense... just trying to put my thoughts in order... XD thanks for putting up with me!!

[hawkeye]

hey, i believe i understand the story pretty well. It seems like your friend is pretty dependent on relationships, and thats the hurdle that needs to be crossed. hmm, it does seem apparent that time away could help. I guess it would help most if you somehow got her introduced to other friends that she could talk to. Like some sort of social club. Clubs/groups are nice because you arent dependent on a single person, but rather many people. So i guess encourage her to join a club, even service clubs are great because the help people feel better about themselves.
Hope I helped get those thoughts flowing!

[jenny2005]

I think that it's a good thing you care so much baout all of your friend's feelings, and are able to be so open about your concerns/problems.
Coming out to your friend right now may not be the best thing because of her fragile state, yet in the long run it may be best to tell her soon to avoid her feelings for you escalating any further. It may actually help her because if she really falls for you, and you don't return the feelings, she's going to try harder for your (romantic) affection and continue to get hurt. In the mean time your friendship is at risk. Just telling her you want to be friends and nothing more with no explanantion (like you did with LM) would probably be more difficult to take that the whole truth.
Girls tend to become interested in (closeted) gay men because they are sensitive, they listen, and all they are offering is friendship which makes them feel safe... until they want more... and that's when you have a problem because obviously you don't want anything more. Your options are to keep playing straight for a while, while dodging a conversation about your relationship or to come all the way out to her. I don't think that it will devastate her at this stage because nothing has happened. I think she'ss probably understand and accept the truth readily. Then, she can get to know you for who you really are. Girls actually really appreciate honesty, even if it is shocking, or they initally have an adverse reaction.
Also, sharing your struggle with being gay may keep her mind off her (and your) other crush. And, if he does come up, I would tell the truth. She probably won't feel betrayed, because you couldn't have told her about it before for obvious reasons. Sharing a mutual crush, and the pain that has caused you, may actually help the two of you to bond, and who knows, maybe even heal.
I read a quote the other day that I think applies to this situation, as well as many others: "Much unhappiness has come into the world because of things left unsaid." The truth is always best,as you said, so when you fell the time is right, I would tell her,everything.

[goratrix]

Hawkeye:

I guess she is actually quiet dependant on relationships... The problem is that there are no social clubs where I live, nor a youth centre. The only group I hang out with is my friends, and she wouldn't really fit in there... we are all a little bit... weird. And most of my friends are 20+... she's only 14/5 I think.

Jenny:

first of all, thanks. It's great to have a girl's point of view on this.

With LM It was different. We had been friends for over two years, and I knew she was emotionally stron, and that she could take it. I also know It was quiet devastating for her, and that it drove her to do some stupid stuff (with not many consequences).

They are both very different. in age, and in life. LM hasn't had an easy life, and that somehow made her strong. This other girl has had a crush on the same guy for over 5 years... (although I can't blame her) and for what I know she never had a real bf.

Anyway, I'm not ready to tell her yet, I still need a harder support base to start to come out. And there are some people that I have to tell before everyone else. Oh, well... I'll try to keep it in a friends level, and find out a little more about her past... perhaps she's stronger than she appears.

And that will give me something to do in order to keep my focus off MR EVERYONE HAS A CRUSH ON ME.

Thanks, both of you! you really got me thinking for a while there... :-)