It's times like this - when I really struggle with life; with stress, worry and utter confusion - that I scream at myself. I cry to myself and sometimes even hate myself for who I unalterably am. If I was straight, I could like a girl like I do a boy, and just know that it is most likely she will like boys back. That would increase the chance of us going out, and I could make it obvious easier to show her that I love her. My life would would be simple, and just a whole bloody lot easier. But no, it would have to be me that would be fag! Every day I awake I want to go back to sleep. "Oh yeah - another day full of happiness for me!" - No. "Oh yeah - another day full of misery, torture and misfortune; lucky me" - that's more like it. I just want to live one day of pure happiness. Happiness without it being lined with a thin yet dense sealant of sadness. I miss him terribly, I love him unconditionally, but I just wish that he was never born sometimes; that he never walked into my life; and that this would all just stop! You can say that I should appreciate what I've got, and that I should value the littlest things in life. Yeah, yeah whatever - don't get me wrong, I agree with you entirely, but what's the point in spending my whole life being grateful for almost nothing, when day by day my life is getting more and more depressing,
No, I wouldn't say that. I would say, though, that you should forget about any disadvantages you may have, and focus on making your life mean something. You can't change your orientation, so stop feeling sorry about it.
It might be hard to believe sometimes, but I think being bi is a blessing. You say you're mainly gay, but if you are attracted enough to a female to go out with her, you essentially have your choice. Liking boys doesn't mean you're destined for misery and misfortune. Try not to think of sexuality as a curse. It's just a part of you, lower in importance than any number of other traits. You're YOU first, and happen to have some attraction to both sexes. You're allowed to seek happiness just like any other people "blessed" enough to be totally straight. But once again, I'd rather think any gender is attractive than be grossed out at the thought of homo relationships.
A lot of 'not straight' people feel that way at the tender age of 13. For me, that was only a few years ago, and now I have embraced my sexuality within myself (despite not being out). It was after I got to know this really cool teacher at my school, who is also a lesbian, and suddenly I thought 'Hey, maybe being gay is not so bad after all!' And then I was happy! Perhaps you need to find a great gay role model too - it really helps, trust me!
These are the posts I don't like to read, makes me feel sad inside and sad all over :tears: You need to understand that every LGBT person feels this way when the first discover who they are, I know I did when I first suspected myself (around your age). I literally tried to convince myself that I was straight. I did not, under any circumstances, want to be gay because I thought it was unnatural and the social taboo and I kind of knew what life it would entail. I did not like that whatsoever. Give it a few years and I bet you'll come around, I know I did. Hope you get better (*hug*) (*hug*)
Life is what you make of it. If you were straight, there would be a greater statistical probability that your crush would be into you. But there would still be no guarantee of that. Either way, your only options would be to try to get to know them with the hope that things would work out for you or to move on with your life and seek out other possible relationships. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you are very young and you have many, many, MANY years ahead of you, many of which will be filled with happiness and joy. Some of that happiness will just come to you, but a lot of it will be at least partly, and often mostly, to your own efforts. If you're feeling down because you're thinking about your crush, then perhaps find something to do to focus your mind elsewhere. Read a book, watch TV, go see a movie, hang with friends, etc. Hope you feel better soon (*hug*) Todd
