This is something on my mind that I may have mentioned a bit, but I have a very strained relationship with my family. Here's the whole story. My mom is one of these ultra-Christian, ultra-conservative family values kinds of women. She still prays that I'll accept Christianity and such at some point. She nags and nags and whines and complains. She's a verbal punching bag for my brother, but I'll get to him later. We don't talk much, just sit and eat silently. She tries to buy me off with food and and expensive gifts. She wants me to like her so much that she bought me my class ring (which was real gold), a $1500 24K gold chain and cross, among other things. She thinks material things can buy my love. My dad is an angry version of Rain Man on steroids. He's a 55-year-old child who throws temper tantrums and screams and yells, and bitches and moans constantly. He's really narcissistic, meaning he doesn't really care about anybody but himself, and he's almost bipolar. He can go from caring and listening in one second to having a complete meltdown the next. He's so incredibly rude and condescending, and you can't tell him he's wrong. If he says 2 plus 2 is 5, it's 5 goddammit, and nobody can ever prove him wrong. (In his mind anyways) He ruined Easter Dinner one year in front of all his siblings and nieces and nephews. My grandma had put the sweet glaze on the ham when he didn't want it, and he fucking exploded. I'm sitting there watching make my poor grandmother cry as he's throwing a fit in front of the entire fucking family. He's not that bright either. He had another one of his meltdowns last January and when I fired back at him, he tried to attack me while he was on crutches. After he grabbed me, I shoved him away and took his good foot out from under him and his head landed in the dogs' water bowl. I stood over him and reamed him out. "I actually thought you were smarter than that. Coming after someone when you're at that big a disadvantage?" My brother has autism worse than I do, and it's World War III in our household. All the screaming, all the fighting, all the yelling, all the crying. My brother at random times just gets pissed off and the f-bombs go flying. The three of us were in a restaurant last week, and my brother screamed the c-word at the top of his lungs and everybody in there was looking at us. He's made my life and our family's lives a living hell, and he's completely ruined family visits, and broken expensive things that belonged to family members. Last year out in California, we're at my aunt's house, he threw a glass at the wall and smashed a mirror for no real reason. He's left handprints and bruises on both me and my mom. He hits and kicks and bites, and will call you every name/word you can think of. And so for the above reasons, I hate my family. And I don't feel right about it. I don't want anything to do with them, but hate makes you sick.
Not to sound mean, but your family makes my family seem normal. We have a lot of issues and I cannot, I don't know how to advise you properly on your family. That said, I have a pair of cousins who married each other. They are now in their mid-30s but first started seeing each other when they were 15; they are both first-degree cousins. We love them to death but they have had a very rough relationship, having four children (two of which are special needs), getting married, getting divorced, living together, living separately. My male cousin is an alcoholic and my female one is, well, let's just say a little crazy but we love them both because they are family. That said, we have realize that even though we love them as family, we have to separate ourselves from them in order to keep our family sane and without causing rifts. Even though we are both not religious I can say that the Bible does offer some advice, it says that the son will one day leave his family and join himself to, let's just say his partner, and form a new family. Perhaps, the best advice I can give you is that while you have your biological family, you are on your way to forming your own family and this new family of you and your partner or boyfriend will supersede the family that was biologically assigned for you. Maybe time will help change this. I just wish you the best in this.
It took me a long time, but I came to the realization that you DO NOT have to love someone simply because of the accident of biology. It took me until I was in my 30s, but I embraced the concept of "chosen family." In short, I have a small circle of people whom I consider my family, yet I am only related biologically to one of them. My father was a despicable human being and the world became a brighter, more peaceful, place when he died. I have few regrets in my life, but one of them is that I tried to love him for far too long before I finally cut him completely out of my life.
Have you ever thought about not accepting gifts from your mom? If you don't accept the gift then you won't have the strings that are attached to it. My mom was kind of the same way. She felt like if she gave you something or did something for you, then you had to listen to her advice. I'm not sure what to say about you're dad or brother. If your dad had gotten seriously hurt when you knocked his crutch out how would you have felt?
I had to look at this before responding. First, it sounds like a tough situation. And it sounds somewhat like mine, though mine is the lite version, and that's why I'm chiming in. It sounds like that's your mom's way of showing affection. Mine did it through food and domestic type stuff, or handing me some spending money if off on a trip. For anything that required discussion or empathy, she can be lacking. It frustrates me to no end. Do you give off vibes that you don't like her? Ask her why she's even buying you stuff. My dad was periodically mean, but could be cool. You could talk to him. But when he was mean, he was mean. He had a lot of anger from a hard childhood. When I was 24, he came forward like he was going to strike, and all I did was hold him back, and he fell, but onto the couch. He never lifted another hand since then. What went on in your dad's upbringing that might make him so cantankerous? He went to Windsor with you, so he must like hanging out with you. Not in defense of your brother, but I'm the last kid, so I'm in his shoes. Does autism come from being born with it or does it develop? It sounds like he has more anger than anything. Was he scapegoated in the family? There's the concept of "the identified patient" or "the designated patient" in dysfunctional families (all families are dysfunctional) and if he senses that's who he is, then he sort of has a right to be pissed, but not to act out the way he does. How did your parents and you treat him as he was growing up? The thing is that a lot of these things start with the parents themselves. It's stuff they never unloaded and brought into a marriage. It's also how the parents relate to each other during the marriage and kids pick up on whether it's good or bad. It sounds like your mom and dad must have their own quirky way of relating to each other. You probably do love them, at a deep down tribal level, but you probably don't like them very much. As you break away from them, you'll find you probably get along with them better. That's what happened to me. I liked the peace and quiet that came with living alone. It was unbelievable, actually.
It's your choice and your choice only about whether or not you love your family. Don't assume that because they're your family they automatically deserve your love.
I do agree that an active form of love has to be deserved. It's not automatic. I should have clarified and said the "blood is thicker than water" aspect of love. That can be reflexive because you are so accustomed to those close to you.
