Ever feel like this is a curse?

Wow, I'm a bit shocked. As a gay man you should actually not work with stereotypes like you do right now. There are no "traditional gay men", only cliché/stereotypical ones. Maybe you are concentrating on that too much and this is why you only crush on straight men.
Personally, I've never seen being homosexual as a curse, just to answer your question.

 

I too find myself time and time again developing crushes on my straight friends. It is quite easy to lose hope in finding someone that can reciprocate our feelings. However, it is important to keep in mind that at least 1 out of 20 people you randomly see on the street are gay, and many of them are probably not going to stand out (unless they are wearing rainbows and such). So how does one actually meet them? I'm no expert in this area since I still have yet to find someone, but I get the impression that the three best ways are through clubs and activities, friends of friends, and online dating. I'm sure others will have more to say on the matter though.

Regarding the "curse" - I actually view it quite differently. I think us 5% are unique and special. We have the ability of appreciating the beauty in the same-sex and we get to form life-long bonds with them. As gays we are not confined to typical gender roles - whether it be in household chores, raising children, or in the more intimate aspects of our relationships. Moreover, we are alive at the unique time in human history that our relationships are becoming fully recognized by our governments and society at large. So I really see no curse at all.

 

I actually agree with him. I've always been attracted to guys who... have a deeper voice, dress more tee-shirt and jeans, who aren't afraid to get their hands dirty, etc.

I have friends that are the exact opposite of that and while they're really good friends, that I wouldn't trade for anything the first time they spoke to me I knew that there was zero chance of a relationship.

For me it's like a switch is flipped and there is zero attraction.

Not trying to be an ass - but stereotypes only exist because they're rooted in truth.

 

I totally agree I find I am attracted to man type gay rather than the more feminine type gay men. It's obviously a personal preference. I think there needs to be more sites out there to make friends and date as you say it's not easy to identify ourselves.

---------- Post added 21st Jul 2013 at 12:45 AM ----------

Forgot to add I don't think it's a curse its just another one of those annoying things about being unique. LOL

 

No.

 

I've sometimes wondered if this may be more of a manifestation of effeminophobia than a simple preference.

 

So please ignore the fact that I'm actually trying to be a girl for a second - and don't have an appreciation for the big D on top of that - which makes me pretty much the definition of the person you're talking about. I am on your side here.

You have a type, you know what it is, and you can't find them. That's it right? That sucks! And you feel scared for even bringing it up right? There's nothing wrong with having a type, and definitely nothing wrong with complaining about not being able to find him.

So I mean, just a strategy question, do you put yourself out there? I mean part of the fun as far as the gay community goes, is being able to break the gender rules a little and pretty much be someone you're not into. So you're right, you're probably going to run into more guys that take full advantage of that fact. Plus even if you run into a guy that does it for you, he's going to know two things. One, is that he's going to do it for a lot of people there, and two, he's not gonna have lots of competition. In short, he's fillet mignon. So that's good news for him bad news for you.

So what I'm getting at is, I think you're "looking for love in all the wrong places". I mean I am making a ton of assumptions here and I am so sorry if I'm wrong. But I'm willing to bet you haven't been really looking for guys outside of places like gay bars?

But one way or the other, I just feel like, if you put it out there - I mean be safe and smart obviously - that you are gay, and looking, then you increase the odds that someone will come looking for YOU. Because first you're confident enough to let people know that you're gay. And confidence on anyone is sexy. And second, it flips the script. I mean remember what I was saying about your type in gay bars earlier? Well guess what. Outside of a gay bar, that describes YOU.

 

I've never felt that being gay was a curse. Quite the opposite in fact. I've also never worried overmuch about some pre-existing standard of what I do or don't find attractive. If I find a guy attractive, then I will find him attractive as he is, and whether he is effeminate or masculine or somewhere in between will just be part of the total package that is making me want to rip his clothes off and play with what I find underneath.

Whether for that reason or some other, I've never found it difficult to find gay guys who I was attracted to. I've also found that, regardless of how they talk or behave the rest of the time, most guys are pretty much the same when we get in the bedroom (or wherever). In my experience anyway.

Todd

 

So the other question. Do I feel like this is a curse.

I know you aren't supposed to say this.

But hell yes I do. Sometimes anyway. I'm talking about my orientation too. It's a little different but underneath it's the same problem. That problem is people link identity and orientation in their heads. I need people to see me as a girl. Well society seems to say "okay. Then like boys. Girls like boys". I mean even people born women, that like women, get viewed more as "one of the guys". Being gay makes everything a million times harder. I mean it's crazy. I came out of the closet to a lot of people, you would think, the reward is, you get to start being yourself, right? Wrong. Even some other trans people - none here, you are all awesome - and I'm a kinsey 5 and not a 6 full disclosure, I know from experience I just can't be with a man in that way, no gold stars for this girl unless not going all the way counts - other trans people will sometimes just assume I have hang-ups, that I'm trying to hold on to my "male" self, or that I just haven't considered being with a man. Holy crap. I mean the painful steps I've taken trying to get people to stop seeing me as a man so I can start living a life that makes sense to me. I'm just going to say it, kissing a guy once would probably do the trick, it really would. I mean it's terrible that that's true. I view gay men, if anything, as being even more manly than other men, but I know I'm weird. I hate the stupid backward prejudices people have, but people do have them, and part of gender presentation is playing on those prejudices. So believe me. I have definitely thought about being with a man. That isn't the problem.

But it wouldn't be honest. And I'd feel terrible, because if I were a gay man, it'd be the same problem, different gender; my orientation would still make it harder for people to accept my identity. And I'd be supporting that. Which I won't do.

So I tell people I'm gay, and have them view me as a straight man in drag. And just hope that I can get far enough along in other departments that I can start being me and living a life that makes sense in spite of that.

 

I think most gay guys are "straight acting", it's just harder to tell that they're gay. As it gets more accepted it will be easier to find someone.