1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The Flesh Covers The Bone

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by SlowEyes, May 7, 2008.

  1. SlowEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2008
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    the flesh covers the bone
    and they put a mind
    in there and
    sometimes a soul,
    and the women break
    vases against the walls
    and the men drink too
    much
    and nobody finds the
    one
    but keep
    looking
    crawling in and out
    of beds.
    flesh covers
    the bone and the
    flesh searches
    for more than
    flesh.

    there's no chance
    at all:
    we are all trapped
    by a singular
    fate.

    nobody ever finds
    the one.

    the city dumps fill
    the junkyards fill
    the madhouses fill
    the hospitals fill
    the graveyards fill

    nothing else
    fills.

    (What do you guys think? Be brutally honest, it wont hurt my feelings.)
     
  2. Kovax14

    Kovax14 Guest

    excellent! the theme is really deep and I like the scansion that you used
     
  3. SlowEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2008
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you :wink:
     
  4. musicgirl112233

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    South Carolina
    OMG!!! that is good!!
     
  5. I like it. It's easy to understand but still deep enough to make a profound impact.
     
  6. Alexander

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2007
    Messages:
    176
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Red Hook NY
    totally unrelated, but when I read the title of this thread, I was like OMG SEXUAL INNUENDO :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    *welcomes sloweyes into the poetry circle*
     
  7. SlowEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2008
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    TY midnightangel, musicgirl, and applvr.

    Haha yea, thats what I was thinking when I wrote it; "Ppl are gonna think this is dirty".
     
  8. InaRut

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2007
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Montreal, Quebec, Canada
    Holy....

    That's amazing. Really well written. I can't even critique it.

    If you like writing songs or poems have a talk with Ec Member: Beebo. He's a really good writer too.
     
  9. joeyconnick

    joeyconnick Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2005
    Messages:
    3,069
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto, ON
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Okay.

    I think the first stanza is great. I don't really think the next 4 have that much to do with the first, though... especially the repeated reference to "fill." I mean I know what you're getting at but it doesn't seem to work with the flesh and bone imagery you set up initially.

    I think explicitly saying nobody finds the one is redundant because you've expressed it without having to state it in the first stanza. (I guess this falls under the stereotypical writing advice of "show, don't tell.")

    The last line of your first stanza (and the flesh searches for more than flesh) is more than powerful enough to end the whole poem.

    City dumps and junkyards are similar enough that I would just go with junkyards.

    There is something cool about how you use "the graveyards fill" because it's got such cold finality to it but maybe more than anything you've got two poems here and you're trying to express them as one.
     
  10. SlowEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2008
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    ah well..maybe you'll like some of my other stuff.
    I'll be sure to post more when I have the time.
     
  11. Psychedelic Bookmarks

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2007
    Messages:
    1,481
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    I love it. But I thought the last 2 lines were slightly a let down. The phrase "nothing else fills" just sounds a bit weak after all the great stuff that came before.