the flesh covers the bone and they put a mind in there and sometimes a soul, and the women break vases against the walls and the men drink too much and nobody finds the one but keep looking crawling in and out of beds. flesh covers the bone and the flesh searches for more than flesh. there's no chance at all: we are all trapped by a singular fate. nobody ever finds the one. the city dumps fill the junkyards fill the madhouses fill the hospitals fill the graveyards fill nothing else fills. (What do you guys think? Be brutally honest, it wont hurt my feelings.)
totally unrelated, but when I read the title of this thread, I was like OMG SEXUAL INNUENDO *welcomes sloweyes into the poetry circle*
TY midnightangel, musicgirl, and applvr. Haha yea, thats what I was thinking when I wrote it; "Ppl are gonna think this is dirty".
Holy.... That's amazing. Really well written. I can't even critique it. If you like writing songs or poems have a talk with Ec Member: Beebo. He's a really good writer too.
Okay. I think the first stanza is great. I don't really think the next 4 have that much to do with the first, though... especially the repeated reference to "fill." I mean I know what you're getting at but it doesn't seem to work with the flesh and bone imagery you set up initially. I think explicitly saying nobody finds the one is redundant because you've expressed it without having to state it in the first stanza. (I guess this falls under the stereotypical writing advice of "show, don't tell.") The last line of your first stanza (and the flesh searches for more than flesh) is more than powerful enough to end the whole poem. City dumps and junkyards are similar enough that I would just go with junkyards. There is something cool about how you use "the graveyards fill" because it's got such cold finality to it but maybe more than anything you've got two poems here and you're trying to express them as one.
I love it. But I thought the last 2 lines were slightly a let down. The phrase "nothing else fills" just sounds a bit weak after all the great stuff that came before.