The Flesh Covers The Bone

[SlowEyes]

the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.

(What do you guys think? Be brutally honest, it wont hurt my feelings.)

excellent! the theme is really deep and I like the scansion that you used

[SlowEyes]

Thank you

[musicgirl112233]

OMG!!! that is good!!

I like it. It's easy to understand but still deep enough to make a profound impact.

[Alexander]

totally unrelated, but when I read the title of this thread, I was like OMG SEXUAL INNUENDO

*welcomes sloweyes into the poetry circle*

[SlowEyes]

TY midnightangel, musicgirl, and applvr.

Haha yea, thats what I was thinking when I wrote it; "Ppl are gonna think this is dirty".

[InaRut]

Holy....

That's amazing. Really well written. I can't even critique it.

If you like writing songs or poems have a talk with Ec Member: Beebo. He's a really good writer too.

[joeyconnick]

Originally Posted by SlowEyes

(What do you guys think? Be brutally honest, it wont hurt my feelings.)

Okay.

I think the first stanza is great. I don't really think the next 4 have that much to do with the first, though... especially the repeated reference to "fill." I mean I know what you're getting at but it doesn't seem to work with the flesh and bone imagery you set up initially.

I think explicitly saying nobody finds the one is redundant because you've expressed it without having to state it in the first stanza. (I guess this falls under the stereotypical writing advice of "show, don't tell.")

The last line of your first stanza (and the flesh searches for more than flesh) is more than powerful enough to end the whole poem.

City dumps and junkyards are similar enough that I would just go with junkyards.

There is something cool about how you use "the graveyards fill" because it's got such cold finality to it but maybe more than anything you've got two poems here and you're trying to express them as one.

[SlowEyes]

ah well..maybe you'll like some of my other stuff.
I'll be sure to post more when I have the time.

[Psychedelic Bookmarks]

I love it. But I thought the last 2 lines were slightly a let down. The phrase "nothing else fills" just sounds a bit weak after all the great stuff that came before.