1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

just something i wanted to say

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by MathMan, Jul 30, 2013.

  1. MathMan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2012
    Messages:
    121
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Asheville
    hi everyone, i just wanted to post and share that I think for the first time that i can really remember, i actually love myself.

    i am a man who is strongly attracted, emotionally and sexually, to other men.
    I used to think I was sick and my upbringing has caused me to be effed up in the head. i used to think people could see my gayness everywhere and i would hide in the empty, dark stairwell during lunch in high school so people couldn't see me and judge me. i remember hearing my dad through the phone after he thought he hung up saying how he was thinking he was going to have to kill me for being gay. i guess i was lucky, because i convinced everyone that it was just a phase and they didn't have to worry about their messed up nephew and son anymore. I guess i convinced myself because i wanted to be loved and understood, and i thought i wouldn't have either if i was gay.that was 6 years ago and a big part of me thought i was straight during the whole time between then and now.
    My family loves me i know. i'm afraid i would lose some of them if they found out. i'm afraid i will lose the few close friends i DO have if i tell them. I currently live over 2 hours away from my family and everyone i know, which isn't too different than being near because i'm still not able to be connected to them or be close emotionally.

    i remember when i was 16 i cried so much when i heard the song "superman" by five for fighting. i felt like the song was talking about me.

    anyways, i know the that above sounds depressing and all, but like i said at the beginning, i believe that i actually love myself now. i don't know if i believe i was born this way or not, but i do know that i get more turned on by men than women, i know that this hasn't changed over the 11 or 12 years since i've started having these feelings, despite my toughest attempts to not have these thoughts or feelings.
    at this point in my life, i'm not afraid of myself or my feelings, but i should say that i am just now afraid of all the other people. afraid they'll all hate me, or see me as some freak.
    so i guess instead of being in the closet to myself, i am now just in the closet to others, which feels like a big thing to me, and i guess it is. if you read this jumbled mess, thanks. just wanted to tell someone this stuff, even if it is text on a monitor to strangers.
     
  2. CuriousBunny

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    95
    Likes Received:
    0
    Congratulations!

    It may sound weird to have someone congratulate you about loving yourself, but it's tough for many people out here and it's awesome that you love yourself now c: