Something I hear a lot in coming out stories are people, usually parents, asking the person coming out "why didn't you tell me?" Maybe I'm overreacting, but this question kind of pisses me off. While I understand and acknowledge that the people asking this question are asking it not to pry, but because they care, I feel like they're kind of making the situation more about them than the person coming out. And I feel like they're disregarding/disrespecting just how long and painful and stressful the entire process of coming to terms with one's sexuality and coming out is. And yes, in some ways those who ask this question are showing that they care, but the question still bothers me. What do you guys think?
I see what you mean. But I don't think they're disregarding how long and painful the process is, I think they're just not comprehending it. Imagine if you were in their situation, living a completely heteronormative life and not having to think about gay people outside of what's on the news. Do you think you would understand what we have to put up with? I'm just playing Devil's Advocate here, but I have no idea what it's like to be straight so I don't expect straight people to understand what it means to be gay. But I do agree that it can be an awkward question to answer. My best friend phrased it as "Did you not feel like you could tell me something like this?" How do you answer that?!
I think this is stupid just in the sense that it's sort of redundant for example. "honey, we just ran out of milk." "Why didn't you tell me?!" does it make sense? no. if you are telling someone about anything, in what way is "why didn't you tell me?" an acceptable response?
Yeah, that's true. I probably should have phrased it as "showing a lack of understanding," which I can't really blame them for, though I still find it frustrating.
I think to answer thisa question properly you would have to try and see it from your parents point of view. Who has raised you, loved you, always been there, trusted you, entrusted you, supported you? Some parents feel hurt that their child has carried this burden with them for so long and didn't feel that they could trust their mum or dad enough to share their feelings and let mum and dad help them understand and grow. I doubt that there was in disrespect intended and infact some parents in those circumstance themselves feel disrespected by their child.
I think probably the first thing a parent will do in this situation, if they are the accepting type is imagine the isolation, pain, and fear that their child put themselves through. So in these cases it's probably more of an apologetic "Why didn't you tell me?" because they have the overwhelming sense that they weren't there for you when they could have been.
I'm more annoyed with the mentality of "give it time/are you sure?", because people who come out are apparently gay only after they know, and the previous struggle might as well not exist. With "why didn't you tell me", I think it's more the thought that you've let down your loved one by not having enough trust/failing to be there when they need you.
I don't get that a whole lot, but I do have one friend who just doesn't seem to get it. I dated someone for about 3 months and didn't mention it to my friend until like 6 months after we broke up, and I can see how that would be frustrating but at the same time.... We weren't really as close then and I was flipping out and scared to even think about it because I felt like people would read my mind. She was the first person I told about it, and it's been almost a year since I did but she can't seem to let it go
