Hiya, Sorry if I waffle on...bit of a long story coming and a bit nervous. Came out at the end of February after years of denial. Left my relationship of 7yrs (3yrs of which were marriage) also got to beautiful kids..(one from a previous relationship) So I met somebody literally straight away and I have fallen for her. She has been my rock throughout everything, bought back my smile and made be feel 100% comfortable with myself. we have been together 6mths and everything seemed to be going well. This week though I feel she is putting the relationship under a lot of pressue. She wants to rent a house out and now she is talking about us moving in together after xmas..which I am not opposed to. There are alot of things to take into consideration..like the kids.. we havent even told them (they are a 9yr old boy and 3 yr old girl). I have gone back to her and said I would love to move in with her...but would have to take into consideration everything, she took that as a negitive and me not wanting to! Maybe have this conversation in another 6mths time? If she wants to move out of her mums house then thats cool. After all we have only been together 6mths, I have the kids to think about if they are my prority..look at the financial side. She will be taking on two kids and everything that comes with that. She has bascially said don't see each other this week and see what we both want instead of leading each other on?!? Its like an ultimatum! I do not want to lose her at at all. Any advice grateful. Thanks.
I agree, she is moving too fast and not respecting your needs as a parent. There are two types of adults in the world: those with kids and those without. The ones without never understand fully what it means to be a parent, and the parents...well they just remember what it was like and can't imagine ever going back to "before kids". It's important that you both slow down and take care of all the coming-out that needs to be done, next, you need to sit down with her and go over the money numbers very carefully...AKTodd has some excellent advice on this aspect of relationships. You also need to tell her how constrained her time is going to be, she really needs to live that aspect of things...and she won't be able to until your relationship is out in the open and your kids have time to get to know her...and vice versa! This is where she really needs to understand the baggage that being a parent brings to a new relationship, it's a matter of respect and patience.
As someone who never wants kids, I can't weigh in on that aspect of things, but I can say that behavior like that would be a huge red flag for me. It's one thing to propose something that your partner isn't ready for; it's another thing entirely to not only take it personally but to also try to emotionally manipulate them into doing what you want. Even if she didn't intend it that way, implying that if you don't go along with what she wants, you somehow don't want to be with her is emotionally manipulative. I would recommend checking out the blog Captain Awkward. It sounds like you and your partner need to seriously discuss what you want your future together to look like, and that site gives some great advice on how to have conversations like that. Also worth looking into are the posts about toxic relationships. Obviously I don't know your exact situation, but as I said, something about your partner's reaction sets off alarm bells in my mind.
Thanks for your advice guys. What you have both said here is exactly what I am thinking in my mind but I dont want to lose her..but I am also not going to be blackmailed. Greatwhale I bought the money side of it into it and she said that I am making it about the money when it should be about us and she understands the kids are my priority but what about my happiness. All she wants to hear is "do you know i love you and the kids love you an we will make this work. But thats not reality...i have said there is a boring and matter of fact side to this moving in together and we all have to be ready. I am not going to say to my kids..."I am gay" oh "I am going out with ...." oh "and we are all moving together" in one foul swoop. Her reply was there is no point in telling them if we arent going to move forward...but isnt that part of moving forward? Tetraquark, reading what you have put kind of makes me upset because I agree with everything you have put. Do I want to be with someone like that?
