This is going to be a bit of an emotional rant, but i need the clarity that this might bring (and any thoughts you may have). Over the past few months since my exams have ended, i have had time to reflect on where i stand. I have come to the realization of the irony of my own situation, and possibly that of many others reading this. The Irony is this: I am scared of what will happen if/when i exit the closet. The one certainty I have is that it won't be pleasant, my parents are muslim. But regardless of the destruction that may ensue from coming out, the reality is that contemplating such an event is consuming me, and has been doing so for the past few years. I am not depressed, but this realisation has made me ponder where i will be headed in the future, which brings me to a second instance of irony: I have been tortured so much by my contemplations of coming out that i feel that THIS pain will only end once i come out. Everyday i find my thoughts wondering towards the possibilities of "what if"; replaying potential coming-out scenes in my head and hoping that something today might just change everything Surely once someone thinks about something so often that it would eventually bring that person to undertake that very action? Maybe this is where I am now. Coming out won't stop the pain completely, it is likely that my parents wont react well and for the first time my issue will affect others. It could very likely ruin my relationship with my family. Isn't it strange how i have been tortured by what is essentially the POSSIBLE reactions of a few people in my life? But i have reached the point at which the pain of the uncertainty is too much. Being in the closet is breaking me, bit by bit, there is no doubt about that. Coming out could destroy many things in an instance, potentially. This has been going on for such a long time that i now have an itch. An itch that longs for my daydreams to come true and wishes all this pain to be over. After all, when you fear a potential future event, you sometimes just want it to happen. This is that itch. Thanks. Do any of you feel like this? Any thoughts?
I used to feel like that. My dad is muslim, but my mom is not. The pain and struggle eased when I came out to my friends in 2011. And I was even able to come out to my mom and brother last christmas, and I'm at the point where I could just tell my dad and move away from home. I assume by the "so far in the closet I'm in Narnia" out status that you're not out at all. I think you should really come out to someone who you know is supportive. Like, if there is anyone at your school or if you have some very close friends. It might sound weird but it doesn't have to be someone close either I first came out to a relatively unknown girl at school with whom I didn't really chat outside MSN. Now we're best buddies (although my ex ended up kissing her when they were at a concert together and he didn't tell me and she told me later. It's not her fault tho, it's his)
I know how it is. And it's a bitch, isn't it? By being ourselves we risk losing family, friends- the very people we've come to expect should accept us no matter who or what we are. In itself, coming out is a stress filled process. Even if, I imagine, one had the most liberal, accepting family concievable and there was no risk of being disowned/rejected for coming out, it'd still be somewhat daunting. Now, not to the same degree. You and I, of course, are taking a gamble by coming out. There is a high possibility my own family could end up rejecting me and forcing me to cut ties in order to transition. Now, the thing is, you can't move forward until you do. Any hope of having a future, especially if you plan on having a partner, rests on if you're willing to keep hiding or come out. You're bearing a heavy burden by being in the closet. And I think, if you're prepared for any fall out, on your own and away, then it might be time to bite the bullet and go for it. If they reject you? Free to find people who will support you and to cut ties with those who won't. Best of luck, mate.
I came out in my 20s (quite a while ago now) and still remember how difficult it was. But I have absolutely no regrets. My family eventually came to accept it - although my Dad never did, so I just never mentioned it when he was around. If you want to know what life might be like if you don't come out, look no further than the threads on LGBT later in life on this board to see the suffering many go through who don't come out. It's never an easy step to take, but the alternative is even more painful. I wish you well.
thanks for your responses. I didnt really know what to expect when i posted it up, but what you say helps. Morphim: My out status needs updating; as my thread implies i am definitely slowly coming closer and closer to doing so. Even then, you are right, i should at least speak to someone. Maybe even to test the water.I do have someone in mind who i would tell...
