Been thinking about this since I read an article about it, and if there's anybody in this family setting, maybe you can answer. What kind of effect does having your parents split up and have children with different partners have on the older kids? One of my mom's patients and her husband divorced when son was 16 and had a child with her new husband. He spent the last two years before he went to college living in his bedroom because of all the screaming and crying that a new baby does. I can only base my view on my own experience. I'm 5 years older than my brother, and in terms of development and maturity, we're light years apart. I was born an old soul, and the way he acts and what his interests are, he's not even at the maturity level of a 6-year-old. One of the reasons I don't want children of my own is not just because of the behavioral problems and the cost, but being 5, I was old enough to remember the amount of work and what it's like having a new baby in the house. I remember what it's like changing a diaper, feeding your baby only to have him throw it up 10 minutes later, and have the infant screaming bloody murder nonstop from dusk to dawn. If I were to adopt a child or do a surrogacy thing, I'd only ever want one. Every only child I've met has told me that they wished they had a sibling growing up, and I've always told them you don't know how lucky you are. You don't have anybody to fight with or give your parents extra wrinkles for their age.
I think if you have siblings that you pal around with, nothing could be better. If you have siblings you don't bond with, it's probably pretty crappy. Only children don't know what they could get in another sibling. I imagine they want the pal type of brother or sister, but may get a supreme pain in the ass instead.
My parents divorced when I was 8 and my Dad remarried when I was 12. I lived with my Dad and Step mom, but really I just think of her as my Mom. I was 17 when my sister was born. The nice thing about the age difference is that I was able to enjoy the fun parts of having a young kid around. I moved out for a year after high school, but move back for a couple of years in college. I would watch her for my parents when they went out. Then most days after I got home, we would play games, or watch TV. We had lots of fun together. My room was right next to my sisters room, and the crying and screaming wasn't too big a deal. I had no problem getting up in the night and taking care of her. She was my sister, why should I mind helping to take care of her. I remember the first time she slept through the night. Me and my mom were sitting at the table about 8am. I looked and my mom and said, wow I can't believe she is still asleep. Then we both looked at each other, and said did you get up. Nope, I can't believe it. Like I said those were fun times, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I don't get to see her as much now as we live in different states now. We chat on the phone or facebook from time to time, and I do make it up to visit a couple of times a year. Though now she is 15, and is more interested in hanging out with her friends and boyfriends than her brother. Which is ok, we are all the same way at that age. I don't think of it as having a second family. They are my family, period.
So much of it depends on the people in question--I don't know that there's a hard and fast rule. I was 10 when my youngest sister was born (full sister), and the work my parents did with a new baby never registered as much as what a great addition she was to the family. Now, my dad was part of a "second" family and the experience was so bad that he refused to ever marry again after my mom died--the "first family" and the "second family" had issues even 30-40 years after the parents were all dead. But my grandmother had a half-brother and half-sister that she was so close to that she would get downright offended if you suggested they were "halves". The only real rule is--if you're not sure you want kids, it's best not to have them! I may tell my girls how much I want grandchildren, but it's tongue in cheek and I make sure they know it.
It also depends on the spacing of the kids' births. Birth ordering, dealing with quantity, genders, and spacing, is somewhat interesting. In a short book I read, it said that, if kids were spaced 10 years apart, they are like separate, only-child families. I know a guy who is the last born and has a sibling 10 years older and yet another 20 years older. There was little conflict since he didn't really grow up with them, let alone the one 20 years older. However, when my friend grew up, he didn't get along with the oldest, but then neither did anyone else. The oldest one died when he was fairly young, and most people did not miss him nor mourn him.
