Such a f'cking pushover

So I'm just venting tonight/this morning. I just need to get this out of my system. It's rather long. Leave, stay, comment, whatever.

I am such a fucking pushover. It's beyond pathetic at this point. All I have is one best friend, who I love dearly and have prided myself on being able to be honest and open with, yet even with her I find myself slipping into old unproductive loser habits. I'm 20 fucking years old already, this is stupid.

So here's what happened: I ignored the 'bar stool rule' today while talking with my friend about a recent story idea I thought of because I trust her. But now, I feel like I should have kept my mouth shut in the first place. I tell her about the idea, all excited and she starts going on and on about how well she could write it. It's one thing to be inspired to write something by my idea, but she was talking about it writing the story itself as an epic poem, which is basically what I just told her I was going to write it as. So to counter this without sounding possessive or confrontational (just in case she was only talking) I kept saying "yeah, I can't wait to sink my teeth into it. I'm looking forward to writing it." She'd retort with "yeah, it's such a good idea and it ties right into this other poem I've written, this is gonna be so good." And then I think, but don't say (stupidly) yeah, for me.

Then we talk some more about a plethora of things. She tells me about some other things she's been working on and I think awesome, now we're off my stuff. Conversation continues and she goes "ugh, I can't write this right now. I'm too emotional about it." So I laugh and ask "what can't you write? that one thing you were just telling me about?" And she replies "no, the thing you just told me." <---This is the part where I'm supposed to go "dude, don't write my shit." And it would not have even been a thing. She would have just said "fine" and we would have moved on. But no, I once again acted like a coward and only thought to myself I don't like that, don't write my shit, while she's committing more and more to making it her own thing. Not only do I not like the idea of her doing that, but the way she was talking about how much good she could do with the idea made me feel like she was implying I couldn't fucking do it. Like I don't have the chops to write it well when it came out of my fucking mind. What kind of shit is that? Thing is, she's a poet and I'm not. I'm a story teller, but I can still write poetically when I want to. I even see this newest idea as a way to help me focus and improve on those skills more. The way she was talking, though, seemed like it was doubting my capabilities based on things I've said about myself concerning poetry and whatnot. So that irked me, too.

---------- Post added 21st Aug 2013 at 03:23 AM ----------

It's definitely not too late to speak my mind about it this. I'm going to tomorrow when we talk again, but I'm still pissed off at myself for not being calm and upfront in the first place. I know it seems like I'm pissed at her, but really I'm more pissed at myself because I only have control over what I do and say and what I didn't do was nip this in the bud with a simple, light hearted "thanks, but I think I got it." Instead I held my tongue for no reason (it's not like we'd get into a real fight and stop being friends over it, so what the fuck?), stewed in the uneasy feelings until the situation feels like a bigger deal than it is. I hate when I do this, especially since I'm always telling my friend to just be upfront with her feelings when other people are being odd or difficult to understand. Oy vey, I'm so fucking stupid.

Thing is (and I'm not making excuses) when my friend is telling me about exhausting dealings with other people and I ask her "why not just say point blank you didn't like it, why hint at it" all that, I still completely empathize with how difficult of a thing that can be to just do when you've been a doormat your whole life and feared rejection from speaking your mind. BUT, I still encourage my friend to do it with strangers and acquaintances because in my mind, they're not important. They're not in her life, so why care if they get all reject-y? When in a situation like this with my only friend, that old fear of rejection comes back with a vengeance because this is someone I care about and don't want to lose over any kind of disagreement. Loser. Complete loser-thoughts, but they are there none the less and really hard to shake when I've basically "survived" on that mentality (appeasing, people pleasing doormat) for years. Then at the same time I feel like as my friend she shouldn't have even said any of that stuff or seriously considered and acted on doing what she did. So I'm a little mad at her for being so casual about taking my idea when I'd never do that to her.

---------- Post added 21st Aug 2013 at 03:24 AM ----------

With the bar stool rule, it's like if I'm talking to just anybody and tell someone my million dollar idea and then they get it done before me, that's on me. It's like once an idea's out there between me and some strangers, it's out there for any one of them to get hold of and make happen if I haven't already. They don't know me, they don't owe it to me not to take my shit. It would be fucked up, but still ultimately my fault for blabbing. But I shouldn't have to be on guard like that with my best friend. So I'm also irked by her even putting me in a space where I start to feel like maybe I should keep all my ideas to myself from now on until I finish them. I love freely talking about stories, discussing ideas, brainstorming together. I don't want paranoia and guardedness to seep over into that between me and her. It would mostly be my fault if it did because yeah, she shouldn't do this or that, but like I said, I only have control over myself and if I'd open my fucking mouth once in a while I wouldn't feel so stomped on, even by someone close to me. And also, that close someone who I feel stomped by, who most of the time doesn't even realize that's how they're making me feel, will then see that and take it easy in the future. People don't know shit automatically. If someone wrongs me once, but they don't know it and I don't say anything, then who's really at fault when they wrong me again? Or even if they do know they're wronging me and I don't say or do shit, then they do it again because "fuck it, she ain't fightin' it," then who's really at fault? I gotta learn to speak the fuck up already. Jeez.

Well, I just wanted to get that out. I've been mentally kicking myself, so next step was to write it out. I feel a little better now. All this will be straightened out tomorrow, no harm has been done. She only wrote a couple lines and I'm used to her bragging about herself, so the situation itself is no big deal. Me not speaking up for myself even with the perfectly safe person to do so with is what has me disappointed. Really? I'm that much of a coward? My friend says to me all the time "that's my line! If you're gonna use it, put my name down, I want credit" and we just laugh and move on, so why the fuck don't I just say the same thing about my idea and let it not become something I can feel victimized about? <---That's the bullshit right there. I hate that. It's so goddamn martyr-y for no damn reason. I'll do better in catching myself when I start retreating into my little bitch ways with someone I absolutely do not need to be that way with. There is at least progress in recognizing what I'm doing instead of believing my own bullshit and causing future shit over it. So yay, I suppose, for not being extremely fucked up.

 

What? I didn't do that. I didn't say that. I only have 1 best friend. Her. All I said throughout this whole thing is "my only friend, my one best friend." Where did I imply I had 100+ friends? If I did have all these buddies, I wouldn't cling desperately to my friendship with this girl because like I said, it's the only friendship I have. I'm her only best friend, too, we're aware of how co-dependent we are. We were alone before we met for a really long time, practically saved each other from suicide. No joke. Because we both have the mindset of "as long as I have you..." that's why I said the acquaintances at school who she doesn't even like aren't as important, so if they reject her for speaking her mind on something, then fuck 'em.

God, what the fuck is EC people's problem lately? What is this trend of giving people advice and making them feel like shit for everything they said at the same time? That's so counterproductive, it makes me not want to share at all if before someone lends me their ear they make me sound like the offender just for "how" I vented. Instead of feeling like I can just talk my feelings out, it's more like I'm defending them. Goodness gracious.

The whole point of my post is me getting on my own problems with not communicating enough sometimes. I can and have before, been up front and spoken my mind freely with her and vice versa. I just didn't this specific time and that's what frustrated me because I don't know why I didn't. Call it an emotional slip up or relapse of some shit, I don't know. It just felt like a "here we go with this shit" moment once I got off the phone with her and realized what she said was indeed bothering me, but I didn't say anything.

And when I said "no harm done" I was talking about the writing. I meant it's not like she's wrote it, published it, and is now getting contracts from my idea. She only wrote a couple lines. The principle of the situation is still the same. I recognize that it was fucked up what she said and did, which is why I'm gonna talk to her about it. I'm more so pissed that I didn't before, but still ticked that she even entertained the thought in the first place.

 

Problem resolved. We talked it out. She totally understood where I was coming from because she would have felt the same way and reacted the same way if the situation was reversed. And now we can move on. Like I told her, I wish I would have just talked it out to begin with instead of going along with it even though it made me uncomfortable. Regardless, potential feud avoided.