Help

I'm there right now.

For the last 13 years, my mortality, and that of those around me, was something I accepted. I wasn't thrilled with the idea that some of my friends would be dead before me, but I was aware of that possibility/inevitability, and accepted it.

Now, much of the time, it scares the hell out of me.

Why? Because I'm depressed. Because I've got a chemical imbalance.

It's so strange, too. I keep thinking that my point of view NOW is the correct one. That it's normal to be paralyzed with fear at the thought of death, and that everybody else in the world is wrong. That I was deluded for over a decade, and I'll be feeling this way for the rest of my life.

Why? Because I'm depressed. Because I've got a chemical imbalance.

Because my brain's a bit out of whack, it's giving me bad information. The same way you might see a nickel on the floor and think it's a bug. My brain is interpreting information wrong. Which sucks big time, because I depend on the brain for all my information. It's hard to use logic to override it. But I must. Because it's wrong.

I wasn't deluded for the last 13 years. I was healthy. I was normal. I didn't avoid thinking of death - I just didn't let the thought consume me. I didn't let it keep me from living a fun, full, active life.

I had 13 straight amazing years. The happiest, best years of my life. And call me greedy, but I want more. So I'm gonna lick this thing.

I went through a depression once before. In 1994. I was 24. It was a bit different. My thoughts were less obsessed with death and more with "my life". What was I going to do with my life? What career path should I take? What should I do for a living? And why did it matter, since I'd probably hate my job, never be happy, and I'd die anyway? The thoughts may have been different, but the symptoms were precisely the same. The same cold feeling inside, the feeling of disconnection, the obsession with negative thoughts.

Back then, I didn't have health insurance. So it was tough. I had to struggle through without medical help. It was agony. My friends and family were stellar. They rallied around, helped me through the worst of it. I learned some coping techniques to get me through the toughest times. And eventually, finally, I got to the other side. It was at least six months to a year before I really felt I was completely over it, but I spent much of the last part of that on top of things.

This time, I have health insurance. So I had a doctor check me out, we discussed various treatment options, and we decided I was probably a good case for anti-depressants. I got put on a mild one - Wellbutrin, I think it's called. It's got a few side effects. For the first couple of days, I felt a bit like I was on cough syrup. My jaw occasionally got "clenchy". And I got a bit of tinnitus (ringing) in my right ear a couple times. But I'm past the side effects stage now.

This isn't a "happy pill". I don't zone out on it. I'm not a zombie. It just makes it easier to push the negative thoughts away for awhile. I can think of positive things again. For awhile, I had to try to not think about death at all. I liken it to spraining your ankle. For some time, you can't put any weight on it - you have to let it heal. My brain was the same way. It couldn't handle thoughts of death for awhile, so I purposely avoided the topic for a bit. Now, I can handle discussing it again. I'm still not crazy about it - I feel the depression hovering nearby when I do - but I can at least discuss it somewhat.

I've also relearned my "coping techniques" - the things that got me through the tough times. There are some basic ones that tend to work - stay social, stay busy, get creative, shake things up. So feel free to try them out. But I'd urge you to see a doctor. There's nothing wrong with taking medicine when you're sick, and I most certainly was (and am) sick. And the pills are helping quite a bit. I'm not all better by any stretch, but I think I'm on the mend.

Lex

 

I can tell you what I think about death. Basically my philosophy on this is kinda wierd but I just think you die when it's your time to die. You know? I can't really back this up with some kinda poetic stance that would make you go, "Wow Inarut is so right." But when it comes to life and death these are two cycles of the universe that you just sorta have to accept. Really it's along the same lines of, "Live every day as your last." Which I tend not to do, but I try? Sorta?

^ Now about depression. I wouldn't call myself depresed/mildly-sad or what not. Partly because I won't let myself gain that title. But yea it's a nasty thing. However the thing about depression I think is that when you face it in it's dark red eyes your not going to feel better. It's just going to make you worse. Generally, once a person has been labelled as depressed that word floats around that person and is a major downer. So it's good to vent your thoughts...because you wouldn't want your brain to explode but also don't let the idea of "depression" ruin your life.

I don't think this could be the best advice I have given. So take what you can with a grain of salt. And if I have offended you I'm sorry, maybe I just don't understand depression enough.

 

>>>sorry, maybe I just don't understand depression enough.

Bingo.

There's this weird self-perpetrating stigma about depression. People think they can't tell anybody about it, because they'll be shunned or some such. So they try to hide their symptoms and soldier on by themselves...even though depression is one of the few ailments that actually is helped immeasureably by social interaction. Talking to people - not about the depression, necessarily, or even what we're depressed about, but ANYTHING - helps. A LOT. It keeps our brains from spinning its wheels in those ruts that we've been digging.

I took a somewhat surprising tactic, both back in '94 and even more so now. I didn't hide it. I told everybody. Not in a huge announcement way. And I didn't go into graphic detail. But I said, "I've been having a tough time mentally and emotionally as of late. I've talked to my doctor, I was put on some medication, and it seems to be helping. But there's some times I'm gonna be a bit broody." To my family and friends, I've added, "There are times I'll need to just talk to someone. Not about anything in particular, but just to talk." All of them said the same thing - "Let me know - I'll be happy to talk with you." They've been amazing.

And I've had absolutely no negative repercussions from this. Yes, my mother's a bit overly concerned. "Are you OK today?" But I appreciate the concern. I feel a lot better knowing I can focus on getting past this, without having to try to hide things from them, or put up a false front.

Lex

 

All I can offer you is positive vibes. Hope you get on top of this.

Lex

 

I was like that. With me, I was bored. So, I filled my diary, so to speak. Now I'm stressed, and death doesn't really scare me anymore.

 

Well I was molested my a girl when I was 4 and i think it may be why i'm gay. so maybe we're just gay naturally? I've been depressed for like 5yrs. i've been in therapy since i was 8 and have been on meds since. they never help to the full. i'm on way more meds than you too. for bipolar, schizophrenia, whatever they label me at the moment. every phychiatrist has given my disorder a new name. i can really relate to you. I just don't know what to do so i starve myself and purge after eating every now and then. It helps for a minute then the sick of my selfness comes and then evantually i calm down and do it again. today i only at 350 calories yet i feel like a complete failure for eating at all. we all have our little dangerous thing we do to cope. Just try to get by and each day will get better. and days will get worse. but thats life and we just have to live it out. I'm attempted suicide like over 20x. i can't count. and i'm still :***: alive. it sux but we're here for a reason and no matter how much you pray at night not to wake up, we still do. so yeah... you can talk to me anytime!(*hug*)