Unaccepted

[ffdtirtp]

First let me start by saying, this is mostly a rant and so if you would rather me not plant negative seeds in your positive garden lol…please read elsewhere. Oh and, thank you for reading. I hope that this doesn’t come off as negative or depressing because I’m not that way, these are just thoughts that I have. And if you should find that you feel negatively after reading this perhaps you will better understand how hard it is to choose to be happy were this not something you read, but rather, your reality. To give some background, I am 20 yrs. old, gay, obese, black, white, & somewhat effeminate and due to society’s thoughts on those attributes, I have to constantly remind myself that I am worthy of anything, much less everything I may want.

When I first learned of the histories of black people and of gays in America I was obviously very sad. Using common sense I expected that minority groups, specifically those subjected to negative treatment, would be would treat others without prejudice, having felt its pain. However, this has not been the case. It seems that an underlying flaw in humanity is our capacity for apathy.

In my experience, ‘typical’ black people view me as ‘acting white’. Therefore, I have been openly not accepted into the black community. When I say openly I do not necessarily mean that there is always something said however much communication is achieved with the body and the eyes and with silence. Seeking acceptance I then turn to the ‘world’ I know better, due to my upbringing, the white community. Sadly, I also am not accepted because, for all intents and purposes, I am black. Such is the life of this mixed person.

To digress, for those reading this who are not black and those who feel that racism is not a very big issue anymore, I will attempt to make some things more clear. When you go to a grocery store and people look over their shoulder and try to move away from you, how might you feel? It can be difficult. On the one hand, they may just have personal space issues, they may be simply weird, somewhat of an agoraphobic or, more likely, they do not want you to be near them. Then you ask yourself, why? Is it because I’m fat? Unfortunately for some that is a very legitimate reason. Is it because I’m young? Sadly many young people do cruel and idiotic things in public. Or is it because I am, after all, black? This has always felt the most likely answer. Please understand that I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer and see the worst. Examples are abundant however life isn’t just black and white.

Community, Pride, Love. All things I envisioned I would find in the gay community where I had not been able to elsewhere. Sadly, I have been let down again. The trend with many, many gay men these days is for the ‘straight-acting gay’ who is also white, gorgeous, and an athlete. Held to such a standard that if a single criterion is not met, you should feel grateful man has come up with Vaseline. The gay man with his reputation for creativity, exuberance and panache is nowhere to be found in that wish list. Comically, these are the same men who will march up and down Main St. for equality. But perhaps I misunderstood the movement, indeed “it's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.”

The point of this was certainly therapeutic. However I also hoped to bring some things to light and possibly begin a discussion. I’m not necessarily asking for advice but I am always graciously accepting of that gift. For now I have to go…to the grocery store. 8)

[Lexington]

I hear you, and whereas I can't truly identify, being the whiter'n Wonder bread guy I am, I think I understand.

I've found it best not to seek approval or acceptance from "groups". I don't know whether or not the "gay community" accepts me, because honestly, I don't know what the "gay community" is. I've had gay guys dismiss me for being too tall, too fat, too "straight-acting", not "straight-acting" enough and just plain "not like me". But I don't consider that the actions of the "gay community" - it's just some guys who didn't like me for what I am. Fine. Screw 'em.

I've also had gay guys accept me into their circle, and befriend me for being...well, for being me. Because they liked me, in one way or another. Again, I don't consider that the actions of the "gay community" - it's just some guys whom I clicked with. Cool deal.

To damn the gay community for rejecting you for being gay, black, or non-athletic is to do precisely what you perceive they've done to you. To paint them all with the same huge brush, to say "this is what you're all like".

You'll run into guys who aren't interested in you. Not because "gays are like that", but because those particular guys are like that. Fine. Reject. Next. There are plenty of gays out there who wouldn't mind being in a relationship with someone who wasn't white or athletic or whatever else. Do they represent "the gay community"? Who the hell cares? You're looking for one boyfriend, not the admiration/acceptance of a group.

Lex

Hey... don't give up just yet!! There all always good, accepting people out there, sometimes its hard to find them but they are there!! Sorry you're feeling a bit rubbish just don't give up hope yet, there are lots of brilliant people out there waiting to be found !!

[heatqueen]

*Real* people are those who like you for *you*, and don't judge your race or orientation. Those who do those two things are way beneath you, and you deserve *real* friends. Don't worry about the ones who stick their noses in the air and turn their heads in ignorance. You're above them.

[Beebo]

One. I'd like to say, I love the way you write. You slip in humor, and metaphors into an otherwise sad story, and give it personality.

Two. I'm sorry that you feel this way.

I have to disagree with ^ (sorry heatqueen).

Three. you wont want to hear this, and I apologize now in advance... and this is just a "what if"... What if you are the one with the problem. You can't change the world's way of thinking, but you can change your own... are you unhappy with your weight, your race, your sexuality? If you are paranoid about what people are thinking about you, it probably means that you are thinking about them thinking about you. Are you unhappy with yourself? Because if you are, then your dissatisfaction in yourself will become quite a stressful load to carry, and others will see it as a lack of confidence. If you start to look for the good in yourself, you will find that your confidence will shine through, and people will respect you more and such. You are nothing but what you portray yourself as, and that means, if you imagine yourself as an outcast, thats what society will see you as. Don't see yourself as an obese black gay man, but instead, a human being with much to offer the world. Find out what you can offer, and others will seek it in you.

I am sorry if this was not the response you wanted... I hope you find it helpfull.

[heatqueen]

^ok so you disagree, however allow me to point out that *both* of our points could be contributing factors.

The fact is there are some ignorant, judgemental people out there, and they are not worthy of your attention so rise above them. But I will admit, Beebo does have a point. You might be overreacting a bit, or putting the situation out of proportion.

[Louise]

I can't really identify with you, I am a white straight woman, but I can feel you pain and see how lonely this must make you feel. I hope, and believe that you will find the acceptance and friendship you are looking for here. No one cares here what colour you are, if you are overweight or skinny or anything else for that matter. It may not be the same as 'real' life, but it might be a start for you to see that there are some (lots even) caring, honest, non judgemental people out there.

Have a look through the posts here, everyone is very caring and kind. I hope this is the 'gay community' that you are looking for and that it will help give you back your confidence in mankind.

[Jeimuzu]

You lack confidence. You need to gain it. Hit the gym. I personally don't care if you're overweight or not, but you need self esteem, I think. You cite your weight as a problem, and generally one problem picked off makes things easier. Looking at your avatar, I quite like your colouring. Wouldn't put me off.

Oh, and start going to a different grocery store, too.

[Jim1454]

Hi there. I think just hanging out here in EC (although it's a 'virtual' place) would help you come to see that people can be actually VERY accepting, friendly, supportive, and positive.

(Can I ask - as someone without a really big monitor - that you use a larger font? )

Other than this suggestion, I'm not sure I can offer much help. I can say that I am gay, yet I'm not perfect looking, an athlete, entirely masculine or feminine. So I would certainly not be one to judge someone that isn't 'perfect'. It could be the guys that you're exposing yourself to fall into that description - and you're not finding the rest of the community that you would be more comfortable interacting with.

I can certainly empathize with you though - life wouldn't have been easy for you. I've had many advantages, yet life STILL hasn't been easy. We all have our crosses to bear. At the same time, it's important to get them off your chest, and this site can be good for that too!

So welcome to EC from Jim in Toronto! I hope you find this site as helpful in your journey as I have.

[Beebo]

Originally Posted by heatqueen

^ok so you disagree, however allow me to point out that *both* of our points could be contributing factors.

The fact is there are some ignorant, judgemental people out there, and they are not worthy of your attention so rise above them. But I will admit, Beebo does have a point. You might be overreacting a bit, or putting the situation out of proportion.

Yes. Your totally right . LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE CELINE DION.

[heatqueen]

love you too as much as you love...wait I don't know who you love...Oh yeah, of course, you love ME!!! OK then marry me in the wedding chapel!!! (I'm meant to be a lesbian but......ok this seriously doesn't work......)

(Sorry that was *completely* off-topic)

[Lexington]

And so the happy pretty white folk find each other, and the overweight half-black guy is still alone.

Lex

[heatqueen]

^Incidentally I'm not white, I'm Eurasian.

[Beebo]

well I'm white, but I have glasses, BAHAHHA. anyways. I love Jack Black. and yes I will marry you, and now we are way off topic.

[Lexington]

>>>Incidentally I'm not white, I'm Eurasian.

No fair interrupting my jokes with your "facts", ma'am.

Lex

[ffdtirtp]

hey and thank u to everyone that replied and special thanks to Beebo for liking my writing! lol i am in a writing course in college right now and my teach pretty much says the same things so at least i kno she's not a total mess. =) anyways, all the comments/suggestions/and everything else are great...i knew i would come off hmm...one-sided, not identifying the problems i present to myself. with regards to my weight, recently i have been doing something about that in a complete way...identifying the causes, changing my behavior blah blah blah. so that is that and it will be what it is whenever i am done. i have to say that that was written almost as a stream of thought, not much revision. i wouldn't normally have posted something like that without making sure i said what i meant and wanted to say but o well. the majority of it was how i felt. i am always thinking. anyway, it's great to find nice folkses and such!

[Beebo]

honestly, most of the greatest inspirations, and the most poetic ideas come from rants, its like a direct link between your emotions and the paper. keep that rant, you could mold it into something awesome.

[Fiorino]

I don't really know where to start exactly, but I think I'll start by saying this.
Love yourself. Love yourself for who you are, accept yourself, before worrying
about "if you're good enough for other people". You ARE good enough.
And just because you don't fit their opinion of "black", "white", or "gay" doesn't
mean that they're right. If they don't like you, then they're shallow to say the
least, and you probably don't want to be a part of their group anyway. Fuck them.
Find some friends who like you for who you are. Stop thinking negatively,
"I'm not black enough, I'm not white enough, I'm fat, etc..." The world isn't
out to get you. Yes, some people might be paranoid or racist, but once
they get to know you their opinions would change. What is race anyway?
Scientists recently proved that we're all related, and that at one point there
were only around 2,000 human beings on earth who repopulated the planet.
There's no gene for race. Because there is only one race, the human one.
"Black people" and "White people" are only cultural definitions, remnants
of European imperialism. So, by dividing people into race you are yourself
being racist. Secondly, just because "the trend" is for "white" athletic
men doesn't make you undesirable or unwanted. And if someone doesn't
want you because you don't fit that definition, then they're dumb and someone
else will. There's all kinds of different types of gay people out there, from skinny
to fat, black to white. I think what you're really suffering from is self
unacceptance, which is increased by other people rejecting you. Accept
yourself for who you are, with your dark skin and your extra pounds.
I'm quite sure you have lots of other good qualities that you haven't
mentioned. Oh wait, you did. Creativity, exuberance, and panache.
Focus on your good qualities, and if your weight is bothering you,
than maybe you could try eating healthier and excercising more.
If it doesn't, than just work on being comfortable in your own skin,
and other people will start to love you back. Self-confidence does
miracles, an attractive person with no self-confidence is ugly.
These things take time, it's no "quick-fix", but I promise you that
if you concentrate on it and work at it, then over time (it'll seem
like no time) you'll be self-confident and love yourself for who you are.
PM me if you need anything else