Vent your frustration

I have to have psychosexual therapy. It's been ages since my last session, and I've been struggling with my sexuality and stuff lately, so was desperate to get to my session today. Literally half way there, and I'm struck by the worlds worst nausea and threw up every 10 minutes for the next hour, so I had to cancel my appt, and now they can't see me till October 31st, and I want to cry so much, I never get ill, why effing now?!

 

Gender-neutral people are pretty non-existent where I live, so nobody really takes me seriously when I tell them. They say it's just a delusion that I'll get out of in a matter of time. Then they go back to using gender-specific pronouns for me and treating me just like they used to. :dry:

 

Alright well, today I finally got my domain. I've been trying to install wordpress manually on it all day because SimpleScripts isn't working yet... ARGUfkjSFdsf < my frustration.

Also, my first day at school: Decided to ride a bike 9km/5,5mi to school, which wasn't a problem BUT the bike just broke down after 20 minutes, meaning I had to walk for an hour and a half and I was late as hell.

 

I want to go to bed, but herbal nytol tastes and smells vile. Like the worst thing ever. And my mum was on tv talkimg about erotic fiction. Kill me now :'(

 

My toe fucking hurts again. I have another ingrown toenail AGAIN. I'd go back to the doctor, but the last time I was there, I heard that I needed a referral to see them. So this means I have to go back to my damn GP so he can tell me I can go, but on top of all of this I don't know if I still have my health insurance so I'm in deep shit, especially if I tell the doc I'm game for the procedure to take care of my feet for good since who the hell knows if my insurance will cover it. Son of a bitch.

 

My room mates wonder why I snap at times. Or just leave the house randomly without notice. Maybe if they didn't treat me like a maid I wouldn't pull shit like that sometimes. Sitting them down and telling them why didn't even work. They said they would change and start to pick up their own shit...yeah that lasted three days. I've had many random thoughts that don't last long of just setting the place on fire....and other thought's I wont say on here. I know I have anger issues alright? But it's caused by them. Not all of it but some of it. The other half? Dad....your going no where in life.....where did my daughter go? We used to be a team what happened to that? Why did you change? Heh I haven't changed dad you have, your just so far up your wife's ass you can't see it. I think I've said too much..

 

Feel claustrophobic. Feel trapped in my own house, in my circumstances, in my body. Anxiety and dysphoria have been coming and going. No one leaves me alone, not when I need to be the most. Tired of being so goddamned paranoid- too paranoid to cut my hair or sit the 'wrong' way. College is coming up. I'm dependent on my family for transport and it humiliates me that I'm starting my adult life and can't even be trusted to earn my permit. If I lived within walking distance of public transport, it wouldn't be as much of an issue but I'm out in the boonies. Nearest bus station takes up to forty five minutes by foot. And I'll be presenting male on campus. I'll never pass. Not with my body and voice. Soon as I open my mouth, I'll fuck it up. No one's going to take me seriously as male. How long before I have to worry about being jumped in the mens' room?
And yeah. I'm worried I'll never have a chance at dating. Anyone who's ever been interested in me seems to live out of state. Keep hearing about all these transguys who were lucky enough to find a loving, supportive partner and I doubt I'll ever have what they have.

And my parents. I'm sick of my mother and her crap. How she's always patronizing me, gender policing. We used to get along. What the hell happened? Right. I pushed everyone away. Blame's on me.

Most of all, worried I'll never have a future. Will I ever be able to make it as a writer? I doubt it, I suck. But it's all I've got. Been my dream for as long as I can remember. Seeing my name in print, writing something that means something, affects people, even if it's just one person who could forget their troubles and walk away with a little less of a burden on their shoulders after reading my work.

And transition. Will I be able to afford it? And what then? Am I forsaking family in return for this? What if I regret it or can't transition in the first place, whether it's due to health or finances. What do I do then?

...Aha. Sorry. That was longer than I would have liked. Stream of conscious I suppose...

 

I know what I want to do with my life. I'm so sure about what I want to be, and that isn't common for 19 year olds. My life would be so awesome right now if I wasn't the one living it. I'm too dumb to get scholarships, and I'm too useless to get a job. If I had the money and the talent, I would have been living in Vancouver a year ago with my own place and I would be starting my life. Yet here I am. Stuck in my parents house. No job, going to a mediocre community college, I'm still basically a kid. I try as much as I can to draw, but it seems pointless when I know that it's not going to go anywhere. I'm probably not even good enough. (BTW, if any of you say, "I'm sure you're good enough. Reach for the stars!" then I am going to be so damn angry at you. That isn't helpful in the slightest.)

This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that everyone else is moving forward. My friends are all going to their dream schools and majoring in their dream subject. They are getting into serious relationships and are always happy. They then tell me to "cheer up", when they don't even understand. All anyone tells me is "do what makes you happy" but how can I do that when I can't afford it and when no school wants me? None of them understand what it's like to be totally unwanted. Hell, most of the time they don't even make an hour just to talk to me. They tell me to be happy, but then they don't even make an effort to help me. They just half mindedly throw cliche advice and then go back to facebooking about how happy they are.

I don't expect them to save me or anything. I just want somebody to acknowledge that my frustrations are justified. I'm tired of people just sweeping my complaints under the rug with "follow your dreams" and "EVERYONE is special". Just once, I want somebody to tell me, with full honesty, "I'm sorry you feel this way. I still like you though. I'll be here if you need someone to bitch to."

But I'm hardly worth it I guess. In the end, I'm just going to be a hormonal teenager. Forever.

 

I'm actually ok right now.

It's just that I have a feeling it's the calm before the storm... there are never highs without lows...

 

This may sound paultry compared to other people's problems, but I've got to vent it anyhow, so:
My biggest frustration is that I'm still no-where near my crush's school marks! He's the best in the grade (currently), and I'm only a measly 12th. I really want to do better and impress him! :bang:

On the other hand, it is looking up, as my marks have gotten a lot better this term. (from an average of 80% to 84% so far) So there's hope yet! :lol:

Sorry if I seem a little full of myself, but I'm not good in anything physical (such as sports, or talking), so it's important to me that I at least have good marks, so I can feel good about something! :icon_wink

 

2 year olds! Oh my god. Sometimes being a single parent sucks.

 

Rant rant rant
ugh I wish i could just vent properly on here. Perhaps I will once I unbottle myself.
It annoys me that of recent, I feel emotionless, all these sad & negatives emotions that I have had in the past seem to have affected me incredibly badly.
Idk why, perhaps this is because I'm an insecure teen but I always feel lonely or that people don't care about me when I actually do have friends etc. Maybe it is because I don't have one true friend or a best friend I can do everything with.
Hmmm...I'm not really in the mood to say anything more

 

Venting:

I had a few classes today. Probably the last ones I will be able to afford for a long time unless I get a good paying job. But I didn't go because I overslept and woke up halfway through the class. So my friend texted me and I told him that I didn't go because I didn't set my alarm, and he goes OFF on a tangent telling me I'm such a fucking idiot for not going and I overestimate myself and I'm so fucking stupid and fail at life and I'm just a stupid fat idiot.

Yeah. God forbid one day I don't go. I still pull all passing grades. I do all my work. The work I DO miss I get from classmates, but because I didn't go ONE DAY means I'm failing at life.

Its not so bad. I mean I shrug this shit off all the time. He's the kind of friend you just talk shit to all the time you know? But all that because I didn't go one day? Not like I went to the bar instead. I just overslept.

Sigh. It's just not what I needed this morning and makes me re-think who I should have in my life and who I should keep at a distance.

 

I have a freakin' viral upper respiratory infection, so I can't work out or play my saxophone! And I just like general crap because of it, it's destroying my sleep schedule, and I'm extremely cranky.

 

Why do these thick minded, meatheaded straight guys feel the need to assert themselves. Running around screaming their lungs out climbing on each other. Freaking troglodytes! just shut the fuck up and sit down like everyone else!

 

Damn it, I'm not gay just because I wore a scarf today >:/ Why do people have to let them show their ignorance