So last night, one of my sassy gay facebook friends posted a facebook status update with the following message : "I'm not gonna be with someone who's definition of commitment is telling me who is he gonna fuck next. Nope, thanks. ♡" When I asked him about this he said he's had his fun but he wants to be in a serious relationship. Obviously he's not having it easy. But the thing is that's the definition of most gay men nowadays. The just wanna hook up and that's it. They just jump from party to party and spend their free time at bars. But what are they gonna do when they're not young and beautiful anymore and they don't have the energy to go to parties? They'll be lonely because they never really had a close relationship to anyone. I mean don't they wanna wake up one day with that special someone next to them. Someone that is there to stay who wakes up next to you every day. Not some one night stand kinda thing. Then I thought... I don't think I'd ever actually date someone who spends so much of their free time at bars hooking up. Like in general, be it a boy or a girl, I look for decency. You can't just go around hopping from party to party and then get mad cause no one want to commit to you. Idk I guess this was just a random thought/rant. What do you think? /:
I'm the exact same. I desire a loving, commited relationship NOT a different sexual partner as often as possible. However, not all people think this way. And that's entirely fine. It doesn't really have any effect on you. I think it's sad that if they do a committed relationship they try to get one by sleeping around.
I wouldn't say "most" gay men are promiscuous, they're just men, and like everyone they find it hard to get in and stay in a good relationship. Some are just promiscuous of course, but even the sluttiest guys I know settle down happily when they find someone that makes them happy. Don't be too quick to judge all gay men by the ones you've met. There are countless more nerdy, quiet gay guys who just want one meaningful relationship that you haven't met.
Hm. Unless you've actually observed 'most gay men' on the planet, I don't know that you can realistically say what they do or don't do or want. I have a friend who estmates that he's had hundreds of sex partners. But he eventually decided he wanted a committed relationship, eventually got one, and was very happy until he was recently widowed due to his partner contracting cancer. He's getting better, thankfully. I probably had about a dozen sex partners before meeting my partner of the last 16yrs. Two of those were committed relationships and more of them could have been had circumstances been different. There are also guys who are perfectly happy just doing hookups or other such things. It doesn't hurt you, so why worry about it? I'd also point out that straights also sleep around a lot and straight culture routinely glorifies NSA sex and denigrates relationships and commitment while simultaneously insisting that it does not. But it's actions speak pretty loudly. Just sayin, Todd
Best and most realistic comment here. However, the numbers show that, overall, gay men have more sexual partners than straight men. There will be outliers in both categories. The thing with the nerdy, quiet, studious guys is that one often doesn't meet them, because they are not out, not about, and have no identifying characteristics. And if something thinks nerdy is bad, nerdy can be good, and also look good, because they are eager to please and can be friendly compared to the entitled 10 who is used to having a posse on his trail. Also, some nerdy guys are sort of like the librarian who takes off her glasses and lets her hair fall out of the bun, meaning she has another persona. My friend with whom I come up with clever (not clever to some forum readers) acronyms has said more than once "You like the studious type." Bingo.
I refuse to engage in any type of activity unless i know that they're gonna be there for me.. Be it male or female. The fact of the matter is that this type of behavior doesn't give the gay community a good name. And then these same people tend to wonder why they're given so much shit for the things they do or in this case, can't seem to stop doing.
Yeah...I know I haven't met most gay men on the planet, but the ones where I live are BIG bar hoppers. That's all they do. They go out to bars or restaurants and they hook up with guys from all over, and they hook up with each other on a fairly regular basis. It's like some weird gay roulette thing where I live. Now, I know this isn't everyone. I really think its 2 things. One: We're men, and men have sex and love it. 2: We're young. I really don't think a lot of guys my age are looking to settle down forever. They wanna go out to bars and meet people and have sex. That's just my 2 cents from what I've seen. I know everyone isn't like this. Personally, its not my thing. I don't like bars and hook ups are something I could never do. But its what a lot of people think of us. We're known as a promiscuous community. I wonder why....*shrug*
From being on this forum I learned there's actually a lot of shy and nerdy gay guys that don't go jumping around from party to party. But where I'm from that's basically all they do. Meeting a good guy is hard. S:
I think there's lots of gay people who are in or want committed relationships. But if you're only looking at one subset of people like club-goers, you're probably going to get a skewed perspective on things. Personally, I am growing more and more towards feeling like I am not aiming for marriage. I feel like if I'm dating someone and things are going well, great! If they're not, work on it! And if you've come to realize that there is just no working on it, then it's over. Sure, having someone's assurances that they'll be there forever, and telling the world that by having a wedding is great, but how much more devastating is it when it breaks up (and I've heard statistics as high as 50% of marriages end in divorce)? Plus I feel like there's less of a stigma attached to "break-up" and "ex-boyfriend" than "divorce" and "ex-husband". This doesn't mean I don't want commitment (although a boy who makes it past 3 months with me will be the first to do so), but I think a lot of people are kidding themselves when they say "forever" and I don't want to be one of them. Who knows, maybe the right guy will change my mind?
I wasn't really interested in having a relationship for the longest time due to a fear of commitment. I felt like I was missing out if I was tied down, which sounds so silly to me now. I know what it's like to be single, party and hook up with people for fun, but it does get boring. Not only that, it is meaningless and it kind of made me feel used. And I don't think it has anything to do with gender because it exists within the lesbian community as well. Some people are just not ready to be with only one person, and those are the type of people you want to avoid at all costs. However, I think you should date as much as you can before you decide to commit to anyone. As I got older, I decided I wanted something different, so I decided to open my heart to someone and it worked. The bar scene isn't my scene any more; I'd rather stay in for the night and spend time with my girlfriend. However, due to her age, she's still into going out, but I'm not and I hope it doesn't cause any issues in the future. I've been there and I've done that, and now, I am ready to settle down because I am not getting any younger.
It has to be a personal decision. I don't judge people who do that, but it's not for me. Since i'm rather clingy, i agree with you that the thought of being 30 and single is kind of terrifying, but i don't find a serious relationship particularly hard to come by. This isn't the 1980s. We can have the same things in life as anyone else (except a pro sports contract). If everyone wanted promiscuity only, the whole marriage issue would never have happened.
This is the only thing I hate abut being gay. I have the commitment and loyalty like that of a good dog.
On another thread called afraid of growing older, I was told by a member RADDKUS I think was his name on here, that today's generation and gays do not do things like in the old days. Gays today are just about being trendy and living the fast life going from job to job, apartment to apartment, man to man, never putting down roots and building a future as that is the American dream for the 1950's and for straight people only. Gays don't buy houses and don't want white picket fences, or anything else that would tie them down as today's generation are all about freedom with no ties! That spells loneliness, debt, and nothing good IMO! Reading that post made sense to me why I always get straight men interested in having me and never any interest from gays because if gays are as that poster says they would be too shallow to accept me or want to be with someone like me to build a lasting relationship and live the 1950's American dream with me, as I am a traditional type of lady. Not trendy at all, nor a trendy apartment renter, nor do I care about brand names, or any other trendy things. I like things that last! Like owning my own house, or driving a Volvo for safety and reliability I like things that last and are practical for my needs, and wanting a partner to share my final years with should not be a big deal to find! Permanence is important to me! But I am trans and cocider myself straight like my current husband. We live so happy together and I don't understand why everyone does not want the same things as what we have as it is the path to happiness trust me. I am not trying to be rude or judgemental, but the mindset stated in that thread might be your answer for this thread. June
I think there are alot more noticeably promiscuous gays that make this seem like the truth. I have yet to meet a gay guy who I am attracted to who would happily date me and commit to a relationship. They seem to better 'hidden' in the world, going on sites like this one I suppose and finding people who have things in common with them. I don't know much about it to be honest, I've never had a relationship but have been propositioned a few times for one night stands. I guess it just takes time to find the right one! I think it's better to spend a lifetime looking for a diamond than spending every day gathering rhinestones...
Except there's no evidence that's the case, at least based on studies rather than anecdotes. The APA article cited above makes that pretty clear. What we have here is confirmation bias. The young gay men we're most likely to notice are the ones who are highly visible, obvious, spend much of their time at clubs and bars, and post bazillions of pictures of them in various debaucherous behavior. And these are the ones who are disproportionately less likely to want to be in relationships or have commitment. There are plenty of others. I know a lot of them. These are the ones who live much more quiet lives. Maybe they're nerdy (like many of my friends.) Maybe just quiet and introverted. And, commonly, they're the ones who have found someone they love and spend their time like every other couple, gay or straight, does... going out and doing things here and there, spending nights at home, going over to friends' places, and living a normal, well-adjusted, partnered life. There are plenty of single ones as well, but they're a little harder to find because they're more likely to hang out with their circle of friends than big social events / clubs / bars. For the group that does the high visibility, bar-and-club hopping, no-commitment lifestyle... those are ones that, almost without fail, have deep issues with shame. They don't believe they're truly worth of honest, committed love, and so they run from commitment, avoiding it so that they won't get hurt when (as their unconscious tells them) it will eventually and inevitably fail. So yes, that group does fit that stereotype. But I think that group has actually gotten smaller in the past 20 years, because as LGBT people, society, media, and even our families generally give us a much less condemning and judgmental message than we used to get, and we, in turn, have less shame than did those that came a generation before us. There's still much to do, and I do believe that LGBT people still have a lot more "baggage" on the whole than an equivalent group of straight men and women... but it is improving. And we can continue to make it improve, and find more people who are ready for commitment (or ready to try), by acknowledging the role that shame plays, and talking about it, so that we can get past it and learn to be able to make commitments and love vulnerably and with our whole hearts.
I'm faithful...my boyfriend would probably cut my balls off if I somehow cheated on him. And I'd want to do the same if he cheated on me.
I'm just curious what the percentages are. I wonder if a study has ever been conducted. If 4% of the male population in the U.S. is exclusively homosexual, more or less, what percent of that is constantly in NSA mode, what percent is at some midpoint, and what percent has either established a relationship or got into a relationship sooner than later? I often wonder that. It could make for the next Kinsey. About the baggage, one thing that may or may not change, despite the passage of time and increased acceptance, is how many people are going to choose to remain in NSA mode, because it will always be an option. It's all so complex, that it's hard to make clean pie slices out of the topic.
I had my share of fun at bars, discos, parks... you name it... until a special someone came along 7 years ago and claimed ownership I'm still flirty and banter a lot, it's a personal trait that comes out when I relax and open up to people, and I look at other people unashamedly even if she's near me. I'm taken but I'm not blind... I'm not going to change those traits anytime soon (or at all) but I'm very loyal and she knows that. I get my appetite outside but I'm a good boy and eat at home :icon_bigg She's possessive though... she trusts me but she won't trust "you"... so keep "your" hands off of me or the lady will get nasty *nods* You could think this is one sided but the same goes for her. She can look, flirt, banter and what have you... but she eats at home. And if someone tries to put their hands on her, I'll be there to set things straight in case they don't understand it when she says it. I trust her but I don't trust other people.
