Masculine gay guys

I know what you mean, I'm struggling pretty much with the same problem. You see, I am "straight acting" and since I'm not out I'm having trouble meeting guys. I don't know where to look at anymore and I've had no luck in the several dating sites I'm on. It just sucks. Sometimes I just feel like giving up, i know that's a bit dramatic to say but I feel so hopeless sometimes, today being one of those days, but I'll keep looking cause I'm really craving some company and why not, having some fun as well, it's been a while!

 

...I love being masculine.


Don't even got worry about homophobia for the most part too, we ARE pretty lucky.

 

I understand and relate. I've flown under the gay radar of a lot of potential guys because they didn't even realize I was in the market. I tend to think it is this issue that drives a lot of the leather culture. That is a sub-culture where masculine and straight acting is the norm.

 

Um.. I kind of am?.. but my mind really isn't. It's weird. I feel like there's still a part of me that's hiding in my subconscious that wants to get out. I'll post it in a separate thread. I am in no way the most masculine, though. But for some reason, people see me as "sir" or "stud" or whatever. Part of it irks me, but it really overall confuses me. I have no idea why people call me that. Unless it's to try and get me to think they think I am? I dunno.

 

Well, you obviously come off as a pretty masculine guy. And you're not faking it? Good on you! Be proud of it.

 

I can kinda relate. I'm pretty far from being considered masculine, but I'm not very effeminate either. I'm about somewhere in the middle, leaning towards effeminate, but when people find out I'm gay, they say that they would never have guessed :/. It's both a blessing and curse in that I don't get crap for "acting" gay, but it's infinitely harder to find another gay or bi guy to date without essentially screaming my sexuality from the rooftops. It's kinda like the world is saying, "You better act gay or you have a good chance of dying lonely." Ah well, everything sorts itself out with time . Just hang in there, you'll eventually find "the one."

 

I don't know if this will help or not, but will post it anyway on the off chance it does.

I don't know if I present as effeminate or masculine/straight acting. TBH I don't really worry about it. But I've had people tell me I don't fit their stereotype of a gay man and that I give the impression I want to kill people when irritated, so maybe that counts for something.

Anyway, I can say that I've known various non-stereotypical gay guys who found someone and have had several long-term relationships in my own life, including my current one. When I was single in college, I never found it that hard to meet people. Then again, I was just looking for a hookup with the possibility of it being more than that. So I felt I won either way.

Thing of it is, most of the relationships I had, whether long term or short, happened when I wasn't really looking per se. Meaning I wasn't going around thinking I needed/wanted a relationship. I was just living my life and an opportunity came along that I decided to pursue. And it usually turned into sex and sometimes it turned into more than that, lasting anywhere from a year to 16yrs (my current relationship). I didn't really worry about the guy meeting some checklist in my head in regards to his masc/fem behavior but just went with my gut on whether I found him attractive or not (which has included both pretty masculine and moderately fem/camp guys). And then I just went with the flow. Sometimes it turned into something and sometimes not. And sometimes I at least made a friend (who actually then introduced me to a friend of his that turned into a year long relationship and then became a friend who I still exchange Xmas cards with).

Anyway, it's late and I'm probably rambling. The bottom line is that there are guys out there including one for you. Be yourself and be a nice guy and things will work out.

Todd

 

I know exactly what you mean.

People see me dressed normally, kinda muscular, deep voice, no lisp, etc. and they automagically assume that I'm straight as an arrow. If they had a doubt, we get to talking about guns, cars, and politics and they feel reassured in making that assumption.

I could walk into a bar and not have any issues at all. I will probably be ignored at the local gay bar for the reason you mention.

Like you, I just want someone like me. When we're in public, people will look and wonder why two brothers are holding hands. I want someone who is exactly like me in the whole muscular straight appearence deal. That's just what I like. To lie down next to a best friend and a lover in the same person would be amazing and I hope it happens for you and I.

At least you know there are others in your boat. Pass another oar will you? I dropped mine into the ocean.

 

Every other gay guy I know or know of are varying degrees of feminine and like masculine, 'straight-acting' guys. So I guess you're 'in demand', ay?

 

I can totally relate. On the surface, I walk, dress, talk and act like a straight dude. On one end, I can see this as a good thing: I can fly under the radar, escape homophbia and all. I would expound on this but I'm tired...

 

Yeah, that's the stereotype. Basically manly gays want other manly guys, and femmy guys want manly guys. The effeminate guys may be more obvious, but honestly they are less sought, and catch more crap (from other gays and straights).

I don't try to be anything, but I guess I fall under "straight acting", especially considering that I have a beard and no interest in ditching my copious amounts of body hair. I am never guessed as gay, to the point where people think I am lying when I tell them.

The bottom line is that online dating solves this problem (though it has it's issues). People know which side you play for right off the bat in your profile. The other option is letting your friends fix you up, and that can be very awkward.

 

Being in a somewhat similar situation, I find we don't face "confrontational homophobia" as much (the openly demeaning comments etc...) , but we can still be affected by comments directed at others or at people in general. I find some people have come around to censor themselves when in the presence of certain groups but when they think they're by themselves slurs and jokes and nasty comments they grew up with have a way of reappearing in conversation. The kind of comment they probably wouldn't make if they knew...

Similar situation as jokes of a racial/ethnic nature they wouldn't dare tell in front of anyone of an ethnicity other than their own. It's sort of like second-hand smoke having health consequences on otherwise non-smokers.

 

Don't feel too unlucky about being masculine. It means you don't have to put up with the shitty "No fats, no femmes" policy that semi-closeted 'straight acting' guys feel the need to perpetuate. I'm somewhere in the middle personally, but you do have to shed a tear for the poor, hedonistic femme guys who nobody seems to love. I honestly would love a femme boyfriend and I haven't used the phrase 'straight acting' in a serious sense since I came out of the closet and grew up.

 

Yeah I don't get it.

I don't want to pretend to be somebody I'm not by faking some stereotypical lisp or being really camp.
I've also found, like you, that the guys who are definitely gay are either plain weird or unattractive.

There is usually talk of a certain 'look' that two guys give each other to signal interest. Perhaps it's just me being too afraid to say something when I think I'm getting 'the look' or a guy is smiling more than usual.

I dunno, can someone who knows how to pick up just spill the beans for us clueless masculine guys

 

Yeah, this. Nobody makes homophobic comments directed at me because nobody assumes I'm gay, have to put up with people making generalised homophobic comments all the time though, which they wouldn't do in my presence if they knew.

I guess I'm a pretty masculine guy and it does seem hard to find someone. Not being 'out' doesn't help but I worry that I'm almost more intimidating to another gay guy than I am approachable, I mean I wouldn't start chatting up a 'straight acting' guy who was much bigger than me in case they kicked off

 

I think there's pros and cons to being a masculine gay guy. Obviously the biggest con is that nobody can really tell you're gay... pro being people won't stare at you walking down the street, or feel as though they're entitled to ask you deeply personal questions about your sex life.

In general I feel too many people care too much about what's masculine and what's feminine. Just roll with it and do your own thing and don't label yourself as one over the other. You'll probably have a lot more fun not consciously thinking about how feminine or masculine you are.

People like that aren't really worth anyones time though, are they? As a masculine gay guy, I wouldn't want to date someone who has ideals like that. My ex, who was feminine-ish kind of, openly despised femininity in gay guys... one of the many reason we ended up breaking up. Plus, dating someone who thinks that way, can you imagine gaining weight or admitting to your boyfriend you downloaded Lady Gagas newest CD because it was just too good? He'd probably dump you like *that*.

I certainly don't. If femmes are hellbent on dating a masculine guy and only a masculine guy, they're doing that to themselves with the "ew you're femme NO". There's somebody out there who won't be a dick to them and for that I feel good for them - because they'll end up with someone who isn't a cockwad and likes them for who they are, not how masculine/feminine they are.

 

I'm definitely in the same boat on this one. Honestly, I don't "act" like anything. I have masculine tendencies and feminine tendencies. That's it. I just act like myself. Now, I find that being myself does point in a more masculine direction. I don't have many interests commonly associated with femininity, I have a pretty deep voice, I like gory cool stuff, and I dress pretty "straight". On the bright side, most people assume I'm not gay, and on the downside...most people assume I'm not gay.

It's really a catch 22 here. I don't get targeted with homophobic remarks or attitudes, but because my "straightness" is assumed from the get-go, I hear a lot of the negative generalizations and attacks aimed at the LGBT community as a whole, and stings because I still feel hurt as I identify with the LGBT community. Also, since nobody can tell I'm gay, it's hard to meet/date other gay guys. To make it worse, I'm still in the closet to everyone but 3 people and I'm still in high school, so I'm too fearful of rejection to put myself out there, especially since nobody will ever know unless I blatantly tell them.
Also, being attracted to generally masculine guys like myself, I never know if someone is gay. If I find a guy attractive, I pretty much have to go into the friendship assuming he's straight an giving up practically all hope that anything will ever happen.

I guess patience is the key thing here.

 

Well I like to be masculine and I like masculine guys very much I think they are hot.