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Reflections of a Gay Teenager

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by BryanM, Oct 5, 2013.

  1. BryanM

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out to everyone
    Hey guys, so I've just been up the last few hours, unable to sleep. And I've been thinking of my past memories of being a gay kid growing up to maybe try to show that things do in fact get better as you grow older, for any of the younger members out there thinking that there is no other life than the one you have now, and that things seem hopeless. And if this doesn't help you with that, this might be interesting to read. So without further ado, here goes this memoir.

    2008-2009

    I never thought about guys or girls before then. Sure, I knew that usually guys thought about girls and vice versa, but this is whenever I first started getting feelings for people in my school. I began to start taking notice of certain guys in my class and thinking to myself "Darn, they sure look nice today.", or "They're not bad on the eyes." I was 12 at the time, and never fully realized what it meant to be gay until I was about 10 or 11. I always heard guys and even some girls throwing around the words gay, queer, and fag almost daily, and almost always the teachers never tried to stop them. I began to think that being gay was bad or something, and an essay one person wrote for an English class set me over the edge. He used gay slurs like they were nothing, and the teacher applauded him, and so did most of the class. This is where my internalized homophobia started.

    2009-2010

    I joined the football team in seventh grade, and began to develop a crush on another player. There was a girl player on the team, and she was also dating a person on the team and the coach said one day in practice that "This one time it's fine for the players to date." The same coach later on in the year also called Elton John a queer. People at my Jr/Sr. high school used gay slurs My internalized homophobia grew worse. My crushes for guys grew even bigger and I tried to deny them in my head, but I failed miserably. I would go home and cry to myself at night because of it, and begged and pleaded to someone or something to make me straight. I didn't want to be bullied, I went through it before in elementary school and in the fifth grade I cut myself, and took pills to make myself sick so I didn't have to go to school. But back to seventh grade. I thought that if I found myself a "girlfriend", no one would ever suspect me of being gay. So I befriended a girl in my math class and ended up "dating" her for about six months. I honestly thought that I would live my entire life as a closeted gay person.

    2010-2011

    Some events happened over the Summer that helped me find out that I was indeed 110% gay, and that wasn't going to ever change. This is the first time I ever confronted my sexuality and didn't hate myself over it. I started making very minuscule plans to come out to people, but never went through on them. This is whenever I read about the tragic stories of Asher Brown, Billie Lucas, and Tyler Clementi, among others, and realized that I wasn't alone. I began watching about every It Gets Better Project video on Youtube and realized that things could get better for me, but I couldn't let the bad guys win. This was the first time I ever heard one of my teachers ever say something positive about a gay person, and that they deserve to get married. My internalized homophobia was slowly drifting away, and I was slowly starting to accept myself. There was one minor setback for me in this year though, I was called a gay slur by someone in school one day, and went home and locked myself in my room. My plans to not look "gay" had a hole in them, and I was scared everyone would know. I made a resolution to myself that I would never be open about my sexuality to anybody but myself, and make myself look "straight" as possible.

    2011-2012

    I had come out to a few people on the internet, and that was it. Then, there was a death in the family that made me think, I'd be living a lie to all the people I cared about until the day they died, and I didn't like that. I needed to start coming out, but at my own pace. I came out to one friend. Then another, and another, until I had told about 6 friends and one teacher. One day, someone went and told about 30 people I was gay, and on Facebook that night I got about 25 messages from different people asking if I was gay. I was honestly crushed, and scared to go to school. I didn't know how people would react. I went to school, and while we were changing for gym class, a jock guy that I had had a crush on for the last few years had walked up to me and asked me if I was gay. He had three or four buddies that could have easily ganged up on me and beat me up pretty good. I thought to myself that it was now or never. I asked him if it would change the way he thought of me. He said no. I said that I was gay and he said "That's cool, bud," and gave me a hug in front of about 10 other guys in the locker room, including his friends. I was stunned that so many people would ever be that supportive of me in such a small, rural area. This was when I wasn't scared of being myself at school, and identified as gay at school, but not around family yet.

    2012-13

    I began to learn more and more about LGBT history. I made it a mission to learn more about other people who were like me. I learned that I wanted to become a journalist that wanted to stand for something. I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, and stand on the right side of history. I made my first ever donation to any type of charity in the Human Rights Campaign, some of the best $20 I had ever spent in my life, I thought. I came out to my parents, and my mom introduced me to her former next door neighbor, who was happily married to a man and had two adopted kids together. They were living the American Dream just like anyone else, and he became my hero, and I became his. I will always be thankful for him. The acceptance part I had down, but the next part was changing my self image in another way. I was friend-zoned, and subsequently shut out of someone's life, and it did terrible things to me, making me desperate, making me feel awful, thinking I would never be good enough for someone, the usual. I would need to find a solution, and fast.

    2013-Present

    I found someone this Summer that I really clicked with. We both liked each other, and things went well for a few weeks. But then, we decided to break up because of long distance and conflicting interests. Even though I was sad that we ended up breaking up, he gave me something more valuable than companionship. He gave me hope. He made me feel like the only guy in the world, and he said that he loved me, and I believe that that was the self-esteem boost that I needed. I no longer feel like I'm not good enough for someone. I'm still looking on finding that special someone, but honestly, looking back five years ago, I've made much more progress that I have ever hoped for. I never thought I would be almost completely out, open about my sexuality to others, and even have a boyfriend at all, but all of those things have happened for me. I'm definitely sure that if I went back to my past self and tell him about the future I have now, he would be pleasantly surprised. I wouldn't change my life for the world.


    So, to any young people out there, or even older people than myself, who feel like there is no hope for them, no-one out there like them, no one who cares or loves you, I'm just here to say that there is so much hope for you, and that I love you, and that IT GETS BETTER (*hug*)

    I hoped this helped someone out there. :slight_smile:
     
    #1 BryanM, Oct 5, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2013
  2. Pocky

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    Nice little memoir there.

    It sounds like you had a few little challenges but it was pretty much a perfect navigation of life and coming to terms with your sexuality.

    I hope this helps anyone who identifies with any part of your story and that they receive some good insight and make positive decisions to be in your position by the time that they're 17.
     
  3. NWMatt

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    Great story told very well. Thanks.
     
  4. kageshiro

    kageshiro Guest

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    Interestin' auto-bio you've made for yourself here bryan kun~ I definitely see where you're coming from and a few parts do resonate personally with me pretty well. Seems like overall you had a pretty smooth coming out experience despite an internal struggle with accepting yourself beforehand. Sorry to hear the relationship didn't work out =[ though its awesome you managed to make something constructive of it in the end regardless. You're clearly in possession of sincere kindness and compassion which is reflected in your attitude throughout the message. Keep on holding out til the moment you meet some cute guy who brings it right back to you <3
     
  5. resu

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    Very nice story, and it's great you found supportive people like that guy in your gym class. Even though I'm in the closet, it really makes me feel good when I see posts by relatives or long time friends being supportive of gay rights.
     
  6. AwesomGaytheist

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    I should write one of these. Good job, bud. (*hug*):kiss:
     
  7. LILuke

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    Fantastic story, that was very brave of you to share with everyone! (&&&)