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Hurtful Gender Policing :(

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Rakkaus, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Rakkaus

    Rakkaus Guest

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    Alright so the other day my mother made me cry for wearing these bright green super skinny girls' leggings I have, they fit me nice and tight. She didn't even know they were for girls at the time, but I got dressed for a doctor's appointment early in the morning and came down the stairs and she flew into an absolute rage screaming and cursing and hitting me demanding I change or we won't go to the doctor, and I wasn't expecting that so it just really crushed me, I cried for so long and she just mocked me for crying too. :tears:

    Then she went through my room and found out I also have these leggings in hot pink (they're a steal at H&M in all different colors!:grin:), and it was another major uproar with screaming and fighting, she was threatening to throw them out but I hid them. :icon_sad:

    She hadn't even realized the pants were for girls the first time she got so ridiculously upset over them, when she got a look at the tags and saw it was girl sizes, of course that was yet another screamfest and fight over why I was wearing girls' clothes. (And the honest truth is that I wear them primarily because I think they look and fit better, they're nice and tight and snug on me, men's sizes just don't fit me.)

    But this whole series of incidents has just really upset me, I've been crying myself to sleep at night thinking about her reactions and what they mean in terms of her acceptance of me as a gay boy.

    (In general she just treats my sexuality as a joke, she gets this nasty smirk and basically laughs at me if I say anything 'gay', like a comment about cute boys, so I never would say anything like that around her, I basically just can't be myself around my mother if I don't want her to either get angry at me or laugh at me. :frowning2: )

    Does anyone else have any experiences with this sort of hurtful gender policing and lack of acceptance, from parents or family members or anyone else? How do you deal with it without letting it crush your soul? :confused:
     
  2. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    Yeah. My mom? Flew off the handle when she learned I'd bought mens' clothing and was binding my chest. Seized my phone, laptop, cut me off from social media (as far as she knows), accused me of being on drugs, etc.

    I've been out to her for about a month. Hasn't bothered to learn the right pronouns, the right name. Doesn't respect the identity I've come to terms with being- calls bullshit, won't believe me until she receives "professional opinion".

    For now, I'm just being whoever she fucking wants. I'll wear a fucking dress. Splatter on make-up and just sit through her shit. In the meantime, I have college where I at least have an outlet and a chance to get out of the house and out from under her wing for a few hours a day. I'm hoping to move out as soon as I'm at a point where I'm secure enough to do so.
     
  3. Niko

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    (*hug*) I'm sorry your mom has been so mean to you about this. People should be able to wear whatever the hell they want. If it's comfortable to you, then there is nothing wrong with it.

    In the past I had to deal a lot with gender policing. My parents always thought I was being immature for being moody when I was forced in women's clothes. They basically said you're a girl you need to grow up and wear stuff like this deal with it. I'd have several fights with them over not wanting to wear booty shorts to tennis, to "show off my legs". I fought with them not wanting to have a purse, because I had pockets to store whatever I needed in. The list goes on. Now that I'm out to my parents, they've stopped with all that, but they still don't seem to get the fact that I'm a boy trapped in this female body.

    I think your mom might be going through a stage of grief. But maybe you should try to talk to her about it...calmly if you can.
     
  4. DrkRayne

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    I haven't had this issue in years. :frowning2: I'm so sorry your mother is treating you this way.
    I only had this happen once or twice, and well...It was weird.
    Back when I lived at home I was shopping with my mother, saw a pair of superhero boxers and I went to buy them. I'm not masculine or anything. But I sleep either naked or in shorts, and I had no idea they were mens. I jsut happen to like superman. (I'm a nerd) I grabed them and she flipped out about me buying mens clothing. It was scary, her reaction, and I put them back an apologized.
    The next tiem was about 5 months ago when I visited my other and I had on mens shoes. I had broken my toe, and I needed supportive shoes I could wear to work, look professional. The women's were all were heels or really low flats which left me in pain.
    She ranted about how I am going to become butch and start dressing like a man (I've been out for 3 years and haven't changed at all..i actually became more feminine) and how its embarrassing etc.
    I told her frankly i didn't care what she thought, as I bought my own clothes and paid my own bills. That shut her up.

    I think at a certain point, when that person has no control over your life...you have to tell them to STFU. If they don't buy your clothes, they have no say.
    It was easier after I was kicked out and gained independence to not care what she said
     
  5. Aquilo

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    That sounds horrible.. (*hug*)

    I think the best solution would be to move away from your mum if that's possible, or at least make plans to do so?

    The only comments I've ever gotten were from my socks and shoelaces (I like those in bright almost fluorescent colours and have also bought some nice pink ones lately) from a few people. In my case I thought, 'I like those shoelaces and what they think doesn't matter at all'.
     
  6. AwesomGaytheist

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    Oh man, I'm so sorry, bud. God, I don't even want to think of how she'd react when you bring her son in law home for the first time. I'm really, really sorry, bud. I don't even know what I would say to her. For the first time in my life, none of the four-letter words seem to get the job done.

    (*hug*):kiss:
     
  7. Nick07

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    wow.

    Maybe you could remind her that you are adult? :eek: Do you have a job and participate in paying the bills?

    Seriously, work on moving out. You are 23... I don't know what possibilities are there in your country, but maybe you could share an apartment with some friends and pay the rent together?
     
  8. Techno Kid

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    Awww I'm so sorry your mom reacted like that! :frowning2: *big hug*
    My parents are pretty good actually. It's just that they are fairly set in their ways about how gender works (I live in a small city). One time I wanted my mom to do my nails for me and she said that I already wear lots of bright colours so don't need more colour on my nails. Then she said she was only comfortable doing my thumbs. Having said that I decided to use my own money to buy nail polish and did my nails when they were away. I told them I did it so we'll see I they like hwo they look (thus fine with them). I think they will be :slight_smile:
    Sorry for talking a lot about myself... I just wanted to tell you my experience with that type of thing (though mine was very minor)
     
    #8 Techno Kid, Oct 9, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2013
  9. Jinkies

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    Yup, I've had it happen to me. Before I moved, I had to use my sister's razor in order to get my arms and legs fully shaved, BECAUSE:

    one time when we were pulling into my dermatologist's office, my mom noticed my arms were shaven and asked me why I shaved my arms. When I started to go on about gender identity and how that was a bigger role in it, she then said that she only shaved her underarms and that I shouldn't shave my arms because the hair on my arms were a natural protection. However, she does know that I wear hoodies a lot, which serve more as a "protection" than any amount of hair would. So while it may not be gender policing, I still have a strong feeling that she was trying to keep me as a boy.

    She also seems to project to others how "boyish" I am, ie. telling stories about the "boyish musk" in my room, making the "scruffy-lookin'" joke to ad-nauseum, etc.

    I just kinda get the feeling that she doesn't want to see me as something different than what she's used to.
     
  10. MrAllMonday

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    I feel for you. It must be tough. I'm not sure what advice to give as I have not been in that situation.
     
  11. Aarin

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    Yeah, my mom doesn't care that I wear guy clothes or act masculine, but she sees me as a female cross dresser and not male. She refuses to call me he and by my name. But yeah, that sucks, bro. Maybe she'll be more accepting in the future. Just don't wait forever.
     
  12. An Gentleman

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    Same situation here, dude, except my biggest problem is lack of therapy.

    To reply to the topic:
    Man, people need to stop being the gender police.
    It's all arbitrary, anyways- the de facto color for boys was pink at one point.
    Why do people need to be rude about it?:dry:
     
  13. Daydreamer1

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    Most of the policing I've heard was through the Internet, especially from the trans* community on tumblr who bully non-binary folk and beat down the femme guys for not being or meeting up to the stereotypical bullshit macho manly man "I love football and lifting weights" hyper masculine rules. I've gotten it at least once, and I've been told by friends they've gotten that shit too.

    Probably the worst though (probably not policing) was when a relative said if I wanted to be a guy, I need to start doing "guy things" and they dropped the "d card" on me. They didn't have the decency to call me a faggot, so they used the "other word".
     
  14. Data

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    :'c

    I'm very sorry that happened to you. IDK maybe something happened that instant before you walked downstairs that set your mom up in a bad mood.

    Regardless, you should be free to wear whatever you please. I don't see it particularly bad that you bought a pair of pants from the woman's section, because they fit you better then a pair from the man's section.

    I see women who wear male clothes and shoes all the time. No big deal.
     
  15. treeofleaves

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    i get stereotyped for female jobs in my houses, i always have to cook and clean. i hardly ever get to help with starting the fire or taking down tree's in our backyard or moving 'heavy' objects because im not strong enough or whateva reasoning my parents have behidn this.
     
  16. Emulator

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    It's a bother sometimes.
    My parents have difficulty with the concept of 'gender-neutral', so while they try to be understanding, they don't know how to go about it, and ever so often they will revert to what they're used to calling me. Apparently they don't grasp the idea of 'intersex' either, even if they want me to be gender-conforming.
     
  17. Harve

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    What the hell. You're 23?!
     
  18. Rakkaus

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    So a few weeks ago I tried out a new outfit, it was so fabulous in my view that I decided to upload 2 pics of it in my album on here.

    My sister had a doctor's appointment on the Upper East Side and then we went out to eat so I decided to dress up a bit. I think it was the accessories that pushed it over the top into gender-bending territory. Powder blue scarf, blue Diesel shoulder bag, white Ray-Ban sunglasses.

    My mother was surprisingly quiet, but my stepfather made a comment saying I looked like a girl.

    I went to a Starbucks on the UES and the barista addressed me as "ma'am" , and he was taken aback when I responded with my name. Then I walked down the street and was shouted after as "faggot" my two Hispanic teenagers on the corner. :frowning2:
     
  19. musicrebel

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    My mom and dad accept how I dress. I'm a tomboy, so I wear boy-ish clothes, but I'll wear girly stuff too.
    But they know, well my mom mainly since I live with her, that I am having a really hard time finding my style. She knows I like baggier pants and shirts, but I see that she wants me to dress girlier or whatever. I think trying to fit the standards of weaving both girly and guy styles into my wardrobe to please my parents is making my clothing-struggles more difficult.

    Sorry for rambling xP
     
  20. clockworkfox

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    I think that's really what it comes down to with parents. That doesn't make it excusable, of course. :frowning2:

    ---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2013 at 04:02 PM ----------

    You know what? Fuck those guys. You probably looked fantastic, and you have every right to dress how you want to. (*hug*)