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I feel like no one ever understands

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Nick19m, Oct 12, 2013.

  1. Nick19m

    Nick19m Guest

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    Well to start I'm very short just above 5 feet. I am in a sticky situation. I like guys and I even have grown to like having boobs in part I think it helps me to be more attractive than I am. Because they're not like the average but very implant like double D cups on a hundred pounder. I've read about trans men's lives. I feel like if I were trans no straight guy would like me and gay guys wouldn't if I were a born male that was gay I wouldn't like someone like myself either. I feel as though I more identify as a gay man than a straight lady. But up until now I've been in straight means so I have girl clothing because I depended on my mom. Along with that my mom is very homophobic and doesn't understand this that I identify this way. So I'm uncomfortable to come out for a lot of reasons. Plus I also have a syndrome called pais (partial androgen insensitivity syndrome) I was assigned the male gender as a young child. My cousins would pick on me and say I was a girl because I looked like one early on. And much of my family placed me as female the older I got. At one point, it was apparent that I was gay at around 12 I got beat up and even raped because of it. And my mom basically brainwashed me into believing that I was actually a girl due to the fact that my body was not going through the correct puberty a boy should go through. And the fact that I had felt I liked guys. And I also have always liked make up but I've always liked short hair. What I felt inside was that I wanted to be the boy I was not a girl. So I did transition. Dr. put me on medication so I could go through a complete female puberty. And got srs at 16. My gender was changed from male to female legally and medically only thing was my mind was never changed.

    I am 19 now completely female still because I'm scared I'll never be anything else and I don't anyone would want me any other way. And too shy because no EVER gets it!!! I'm not just not a girl. But I don't like girls. I'll never be happy because either others will never accept or I won't accept this thing I am supposed to be! I met a girl who's a transwoman almost a year ago. She introduced me to this social group. I get pegged a lot in the group as a transwoman I think it's because still I wear make up I have short hair but it seems to just make my face more feminine and I have breasts which probably seem fake but they're not. Outside of the group they had other groups. Well I had three different individuals tell me that I should go to this group I later found out was for gay men exclusively and they had a lesbian group as well. I don't like girls it's not in my nature. I was meeting a friend that hadn't arrived yet. I was just trying to ask where it was just to stop by. And she just automatically assumed I was a lesbian and said I didn't have access because I'm not a gay man. Despite the fact that on the website transguys are allowed and a transwoman goes there constantly despite the fact that she doesn't even identify as male. I had to ask if she wanted to see my birth cert. just to convince her to allow me to stop in and that was in front of everyone. I didn't want everyone to know how I was born. It just made me go into complete shock and nervousness all night because it brings up all the uncomfortable feelings I had in the past. I don't know I really want to send this individual hate mail but I know I'd get a lot of drama from that because it would be obvious it's me. I just don't like even in a gender sensitive area it's always assumed I'm a girl. And when I explain people just say nothing as though they're surprised or just act like you must be Nutts. I can't help it I can't take hormones or that I can't buy the "correct" clothing for the gender I identify with... Why can't what I identify as be respected?
     
  2. chercheur

    chercheur Guest

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    This isn't meant to sound rude at ALL, just letting you know, this post would be easier to read with more paragraphs. Not trying to be rude, but if you edited a bit that may help others in reading it (*hug*)

    So, the basic gist of this is that, because of your PAIS condition, you feel you were improperly diagnosed as a MtF transsexual at a young age, and received incorrect treatment? Ohh, hon, I'm sooo, so, soo sorry :frowning2: that's terrible! And it absolutely goes to show the dangers of diagnosing children with GID...trans* activists will say otherwise, but your case is clear evidence of why it's *really* risky.

    But, there is hope. Unfortunately, if you are 100% determined to go back to being a male, you will have to follow a path similar to what FtM transmen follow, which includes undergoing HRT (Testosterone treatment) and, down the line, top surgery. With time, you should be able to become comfortable in your own skin, again (*hug*) just look around this forum and you'll see many transmen who are now happy with their bodies after undergoing transition.

    Also, I would look into possibly pursuing a malpractice suit against the doctors who allowed this to happen...like this should just NOT have happened. I'm really, really sorry you've had to face all this(*hug*)
     
  3. Nick19m

    Nick19m Guest

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    Can't edit. But I can't take hormone like other transguys do. Reason why is because of my condition my body's resistant. Which I'm more depressed about the outcome which is another layer that I feel I should be happy with myself it's like ill never be anything else sometimes I settle for bigender because I feel like its something more attainable. Plus in some ways I don't fit completely like guys don't wear make up so I must be different basically.

    I felt like I was tricked to believed after the transition I'd be a better person and happier but I wasn't but its not other people who make me depressed but myself now.
     
  4. chercheur

    chercheur Guest

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    Ohh, duh, sorry, I had a total brain fart - PAIS, androgen insensitivity, of course.

    Well, I am sooo, so, sorry you didn't get the treatment you should have (*hug*) that really is *horrible*, I'm really sorry. But still, you could consider other methods of transition, ie, without taking hormones. I'm sorry I don't have many good suggestions :frowning2:

    Regardless, you have the support of everyone on this forum in trying to discover yourself (*hug*) again, words can't express how sorry I am that you were pressured into transition when it was wrong for you.
     
  5. Nick19m

    Nick19m Guest

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    Thanks.

    I know I want to do what I can to be who I am no matter what others see me as. Right now I'm in the beginning of whatever this road takes me.
    Thank you for your support. (((Chercheur))))
     
  6. Jinkies

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    Well, this is a new story. I was going to ask how your mother got away with having you undergo SRS until I saw that she brainwashed you.. Let me ask, what do you identify as? I'm not going to judge you, I'm not going to tell you otherwise. I'm not even going to say what you should or shouldn't be. I'm simply very curious, and I do want to help you. The first thing though, is to figure out what you identify as. And please, don't lie to me or yourself. I'm not trying to force anything. I'm not trying to rush anything, either. If you're simply not sure, that's fine. If you need more time, then so be it.
     
  7. Nick19m

    Nick19m Guest

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    I'm a man a guy a dude. I don't mind being neutral androgynous. But innately I've always known my gender to be male inside on the outside there was some effort to stop my puberty but it seemed to just cause confusion. I thought if people accepted me and if I didn't feel like I was wrong because my mom would say being gay would just land me nowhere good and I felt like that was going to be how my life was forever. And now it's just like I made something of myself that most accept and celebrate but I don't. I keep thinking ill grow into being a woman but when I'm around other females I know I'm different but not so much with gender neutral females or other guys. But guys tend to to treat me like a girl which makes relationships with them platonic or romantic very difficult.
     
  8. Nick07

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  9. Ruthven

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    Man, anybody can wear what they want. Guy, girl, agender, bigender, and so on. We can all wear makeup and whatever else we may want, even as society still clings to its precious gender roles and junk, you know? :slight_smile:
     
  10. Just Jess

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    Welcome!

    I just want to chime in, because chercheur raised a good point. If anyone here is anything less than supportive, please don't hesitate to report their post, or send me or anyone else on staff a PM.

    You're a man here.

    Are you still living at home? I don't normally like commenting on this kind of thing, but from what you shared with us your parents don't know how to handle either an IS or gay son and are probably not going to understand no matter how patient you are until they see you independent and successful. Even then a lot take some time.

    I really don't have anything nice to say otherwise, what happened to you really shocked me and I feel a little naive for thinking what happened to you just did not happen any more :frowning2: so I will leave that at that.

    If it helps at all, there is a web comic I like to read about someone in a situation very close to yours, Misfile

    As far as getting people to see the real you without hormones, that is going to be hard. There are surgeries, your call on those. I should mention that no matter what you've heard about bottom surgery (probably phalloplasty in your case) most men who get it are very satisfied with it.

    A really good site I've found for female-to-male TS people is here, Hudson's FTM Resource Guide . They have a lot of good info, including stuff for guys that aren't on hormones. Hormones are kind of the hammer of the TS toolkit. They solve lots of problems and everyone loves them for that reason, but obviously not every problem.

    I know you are a gay man and not a gay woman, but drag kings can be your biggest ally. Unfortunately they're a little harder to find often than drag queens, but I've met a few. If your city's got any kind of drama or theater you can get into, that would probably help socially more than anything.
     
  11. Nick19m

    Nick19m Guest

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    I can wear men's clothing. I don't have much money right now though. I was trying to make it on my own I've gone back and forth basically. I don't like living with my mom so I try to go to school and work part time and cut out shopping to lower expenses which is easy because my mom will buy me stuff. I have money coming which is exciting.

    It's just over the time. I have a feminine side but it doesn't change how I feel though. No matter how much I put into how I dress I always feel like I'm dressing another person up. In group there was this similarity with the eyes. I always feel a disconnect in my eyes time doesn't seem to change it either.
     
  12. Nick07

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    Perhaps you are genderfluid... I don't like labels, but if you shift back and forth between two genders or feel somewhere in the middle, that one could perhaps fit you.
     
  13. Nick19m

    Nick19m Guest

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    Thank you for the link helped me with a few questions I had.

    Yeah I've lived at home back and forth I want to live on my own financially doesn't always work out though.

    It's like survival skills wise I want to just stay in the closet about it because my mom and I get along better that way it seems.

    Thank you for your supportive words its really uplifted my spirit. I can do this..

    ---------- Post added 14th Oct 2013 at 12:49 AM ----------

    I don't shift really. I dress up but it's always more provocative than anything. I'm not naturally feminine but my body is so it's easy to exploit that part of me, honestly. I try to be but I always feel I seem fake.
     
  14. Nick19m

    Nick19m Guest

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    most of all this was about the fact that it seems not even those who try to understand like in certain areas people just judge so easily. Like I went back to the place today and all I could do was stay in bathroom.