Suicide?

I feel you, bro. I go through the same thing more often than not and even though I try to push these thoughts aside sometimes it just seems impossible. I can't help but think "would anyone care if I died right now? What if I had never been born?". Y'know. Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom to help you go through this, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this. If you need or want talk about anything, feel free to message me.

 

I think most people have suicidal thoughts, especially now as there is so much expectation and yet so much uncertainty.

I personally think as long as you have something to look forward to and appreciate what you have you will be happy. Avoid pleasing others and do something because you believe is right (cheesy lol). Following my gut instinct is what made me happier. Avoid worrying too much about the end result and focus most of your attention on the present.

I'm not good at giving advice on these sorts of issues but the above has truly helped me. Hope the principles above help others.

 

I've been struggling pretty much for over ten years with ideation. Things really began to snowball when I was a sophomore in high school. It was build up to me being hospitalized a few times since March or April of this year. My last discharge was on July 5th and things have been looking up for me since. I don't attribute my recovery to being in a hospital or being medicated. Honestly, I don't. I see them as just being a way to cut me off from resources that could let me do something if my desperation was that intense. What I do attribute my recovery to is my wonderful fiance, who has been my #1 supporter and rock.

To put it like this, before my hospitalizations, I would always have an urge to jump from a bridge near my doctor's office or from one of the high buildings downtown. When I would go take my meds, the thought of trying to OD would always come to mind, same goes for this urge to hang myself whenever I went into my room. Now, I have none of those urges at all. All my self destructive thoughts and urges have either calmed down or have halted completely. I've been clean for 4-5 months and I haven't had alcohol in three (I'm not saying I was a full blown alcoholic, but if I had the resources I probably would have been getting down that path). I'm pretty stable and calm these days.

My depression (and other mental illnesses) is/are still with me, and it's a constant battle to keep it from interfering with my way. But I think I've been holding up pretty well.

 

I struggled badly with suicidal ideation during 2008. That was a really rough year for me, with A levels, relationship breakdown and major surgery (that ended up being postponed because I was too ill).

Five years on, I'm still here, and doing a LOT better. Done two years of uni, dealing with my issues (abuse and mental illness). There is definitely life after feeling suicidal. It is tough to get there, sometimes really really tough. It's worth it though.

 

Wish I knew how to cope. Wasn't until puberty that I got suicidal. I guess I didn't really deal with it, I just buried the urges. I wrote novels and basically, I wrapped my whole life around my writing. I remember even swearing I wouldn't kill myself until I'd gotten my whole series written- lest to prevent a well meaning friend from going in and finishing the novels outside of my vision.

I had a brief respite when I figured out my gender. Brief, mind. I'm back to square one.

 

I ideated suicide when I was I think 13. Though I was never at immediate risk, I did end up self-harming at age 14 from the same main cause: my terrible relationship with my mother.

Now, though, I'm happy and stable. I no longer struggle with suicide or self-harm. I was given motivation and help to turn myself around, and since then have had only a couple months' "relapse" into desire to self harm. My relationship with my mother is very good, which is fortunate considering I spend so much time at home!

It can get better, even if you don't think it will, even if you don't want it to at the moment (which I didn't always want). (*hug*)

 

I have. Things aren't perfect, but I can truly say I'm happy for the first time in my life. I attempted suicide a couple of times, and planned it many others. I can't really tell you how I got through it all, because it was such a difficult process, and I suspect my reasons wouldn't apply to you. But I got through it, and so will you.

(*hug*)

 

I've been dealing with depression for the last fifteen years. During that time I've had plenty of suicidal thoughts. At first I would ignore them. When that stopped working I turned to self harm, and then drink and drugs. Three years ago I reached a point where I just couldn't cope any more and I tried to commit suicide.

I started taking anti-depressants and had some therapy. That helped.

I got a job that I ended up loving. I made some great new friends. I fell in love. My life completely changed.

Once I started to feel better I was relieved that I hadn't killed myself. But a part of me still feels that in order for me to get better I had to reach rock bottom, I had to act on my thoughts. I don't regret trying to kill myself. Instead I see it as an important turning point in my life.

At the beginning of this year my depression got worse again. The suicidal thoughts came back along with the self harm and the drinking.

It's not pleasant but because I've been through it before I know that life can get better again. So I'm back on my meds and I'm trying to remember what I learnt in therapy. I have my good days and my bad days but I know that if I stick with it eventually I'll be back to my old self.

If you're feeling suicidal then you should talk to someone about it. Talking to someone about my problems helped me more than I ever thought it could. Talk to your partner, a friend, a family member, a crisis helpline, but preferably a doctor.

 

I have, since I was about 13. It's always about something different. Being gay, being atheist (in a VERY religious family), then for a brief period (15-16, and the first couple months of 17) I gained a lot of weight, and I was at a very awkward stage, then for a bit after I started losing weight, I overshot the runway and LOST a disgusting amount and ended up severely, severely anorexic. Then there's gender dysphoria which reared it's head at different points with varying degrees of severity, loneliness over not having a boyfriend or a lot of friends (or NO friends at ALL at different points), and all that good stuff.

I was in a reaaally bad place last December...things were BAD after I came out, with my mom and my gramma, especially. All I thought about was suicide, and honestly, one night I was dangerously, dangerously close, and in hindsight, I can honestly say it's just by chance that I'm even here to write this, right now.

Then my most recent relapse was obnoxiously recent; the beginning of this month! I'd been feeling down since sometime in later September, because I've been in a rut (no job, no boyfriend, few friends), and one night I started feeling gender dysphoria creep back (which, for me, having detransitioned was a bit gut wrenching) soo, I had a bit to drink, and had been smoking and listening to dark, dark music all alone at around 3 AM, aaand, yeah, I had a bad, bad night and was seriously considering suicide. I made a post on this very board about it, in fact.

But...as always, some wake up call triggered a change of heart and brought me to a better frame of mind, and while things are still very delicate (house of cards, kinda delicate up in here), I'm in a good mental place at the moment.

It's all about perspective. What really helped me, recently, was the realization that boy or girl (I don't have to figure that out, right away), I'm ME, and I like who I am. I'm cute, I think, I'm well groomed, well dressed, well spoken, fun, interesting, passionate, caring and loving, and I shouldn't really need anyone or anything else to be happy.

You need to focus on YOU, the person looking back at you in the mirror, and make that someone you LIKE. Until you love yourself for who you are, yeah, you're going to think about suicide cause you're going to think you're not worth anything better...but you are. And the second you learn to love yourself is the second life will start opening up and the things you want will start coming your way; and it's also the second you'll realize all of that stuff is just gravy, anyway.

It does get better, like they say. You're in a dark place, but you won't be, forever. Things will get better, for you, it's as inevitable as the sunrise that they do. It's your decision, but if you give life a chance one day you'll look back on the person you are now and be thankful he didn't apply a permanent solution to very temporary problems(*hug*)

 

I did, once back in the days when I gave a shit about what people think of me and I still thought that the fact that for me, emotions and feelings are extremely secondary was something bad.

I never got even close to try to kill myself because I'm not the type to give into my emotions and feelings. I control them, they don't control me and that's it.

I must say that my psychologist and psychiatrist had a horrid time to try to get anything out of me in terms of emotions/feelings.
I just don't do those unless I really want to and it took them 2 months to realize that all their psychobabble just got me bored and pissed and didn't work on me.

After I flipped the finger at them and told them that not everyone has emotions all over the place, I just went "screw you, people... don't like it, gtfo"... and that was the end of it.

I am myself... whoever doesn't like it, good riddance. I'm not here to please anyone, not even me because if I do shit, I will land on myself extremely hard.

 

I think I was close, a few times in my childhood. I've learned the hard way that the family I grew up in took responsibility and timeliness much more seriously than any other family, and while my parents aren't entirely strict, I was very, very stressed at around 3rd grade, especially when it just seemed to be a vicious cycle of bad grades year after year, no matter how hard I tried. There was a lot of me that went "what's the whole point, if all I'm going to do is go through this just so I can go through even tougher stages of this in the future?" But I could never bring myself to actually do anything, since there was still a lot that I was curious about.

 

Sure, I've felt suicidal in the past. Take meds which help. Also, have many years of therapy under my belt. I recognize when my self-talk is just plain wrong. Even if I can't change how I feel in the moment, I can separate feelings from fact. Hope you have access to some mental health providers. I don't think I would be alive today, in my 40s, without the help. Stay strong!