I don't know what I'm doing here anymore. This year has been a long shitty eye opener. From home life, to my own personal life, health problems, it's just too much. I'm 20 years old. I don't know how to drive. I don't how to get a real job. I don't know how to take care of myself. I dropped out of college a year ago because I was tired of school. I love learning, but I couldn't stand another school environment and there were also all these money struggles that I truthfully couldn't handle. I was overwhelmed, miserable and deciding whether to stay or go was the first (seriously the first) major life decision that I was allowed to make myself, not have made for me. It felt good for a minute. BUT, I haven't done anything worth shit since. It makes me sad to think maybe I should have stayed a robot and just followed people's orders because obviously I can't do anything on my own. Maybe my grandma's right, I got book sense, but no common sense, textbook smart, but naïve and useless. I'm coming to this realization that maybe I'm just life-stupid. I should have just done what I was told and buried my feelings like always. I finally take charge of my own life and I've got nothing to show for it. I just look like an idiot. I'm a creative writer, but writing takes me nowhere. I don't know how to take my writing somewhere. I'm completely out of touch with people I consider friends and when I do get in touch with them I just want to cry. Today I just found out one of my friends is doing plays now, I didn't even know she was into that. People are getting married, having babies...I'm missing everything, being left behind. They're growing up, their lives seem to be moving forward the way a 20something's life is supposed to go. And maybe that doesn't make since because there's no written, set in stone way that anyone's life is supposed to go, but...I don't know. I just feel stuck, stunted. I'm not doing anything out in the real world and I have no idea how and I have no real support system. My grandma is a bully, not just a mean person, but seriously one of those text book "Female Bully in the Family" people with the psychological issues that manipulate family members, pits people against each other, control lives, fake sick and just uck, so many things that I don't even want to waste time getting into. Whatever you read about that subject, is to a T what I and others are living with. But knowing this doesn't make her any easier to break away from. Basically, my whole life I've been a pawn, a puppet, in so many nasty family dramas, a mute loner loser in school. There's this recent drama that was so ugly and violent and just "wrapped up" in this totally fake way. I'm so tired of it all. I want my own life, I want to finally feel like my own person, but I don't know how to do anything! And I have no guides. "Help" and "support" always comes with a catch, usually some kind of benefit for the family member I'm reaching out to. I can't trust. A part of me wants to totally blame my home life for why I can't get out there in the world, but there comes a point where it's my fault that I can't support myself, right? People younger than me handle finding jobs like it's nothing, they don't have panic attacks in cashier lines, they know how to pay a bill, how to move out on their own. If they can figure this life shit out, why can't I? I'm sick of living in hostility and falseness. The only time I've felt like I had any control is when I stand in my room with the door locked, staring into my dresser drawer. A few weeks ago, I broke a glass cup and kept one of the pieces. I don't know why, I just felt like I had to partially for protection because of the threats of violence between my Aunt and Grandma and also just because...I wanted to. Every day now I stare at the glass and day dream about all the things I could do with it. I've never cut before, I've never had any kind of physical release, only writing, but words don't feel like enough anymore. I haven't done anything yet, only held it.....I know suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem, but what if my problem only leads to more problems? What if things won't get better? I've gotten to a point where I can't even day dream about a possible adult life. I just don't see it anymore. If I try to imagine it, it just feels forced, like no way is that ever going to happen. I desperately feel like my only options are to actually run away and just try being homeless, at least then I'd be doing something on my own, go away forever and just end this shit or just shut down inside and stay as is like everyone else in this fucked up family. Stay in this house and end up 30 years old still being taken care of and treated like a silly child and to others a major disappointment for not achieving anything even though on the outside people assumed being a doormat A-student meant I was gonna go places. And you know what, I consider myself apart of those others. I'm disappointing myself most of all. I'm just tired, really tired. I'm going to bed. Sorry this is long and all over the place and not really saying anything important.
I want to respond to your post to give you at least the support of someone hearing what you're saying and having some insight into how you're feeling (this site is great for that, I've found). I also want to emphasise (as unlikely and potentially unhelpful as it seems when things seem very bleak) but for many, many people who were in really horrible situations, there has been a brighter future than it's possible to imagine when your life feels hopeless. You are right that a lot of the things you're dealing with seem difficult to resolve. Without a job, I can see that it is difficult to move away from this unpleasant family situation. I don't know how big an impact not driving would have on someone's life in Detroit because I'm not brilliant on Geography and I use public transport and/or walking to get about. That might be a lot harder in rural areas. Does driving impact on your ability to get a job or your social life, or both? I don't know whether the issues blocking your employment are to do with the availability of jobs in your area or to do with your current level of Education but are you able to try online learning at all? This might help with the sense of a school environment and might be cheaper than attending college. It is also worth trying to get out and about, even if it feels frightening. Are there any interest groups you could join, through your creative writing perhaps? Much of this might feel unhelpful or irrelevant to you, I'm not sure but, as I started with, I do want you to know that there are ears and supportive people here.
Both. This city is in shambles, there is no public transportation (even the buses are getting cut) and the few jobs that are out there are outside of Detroit. There's only one car to the household. It's my Grandma's car, but it's never here because my Uncle uses it all the time. Not that it matters because no one's taught me how to drive and it's unlikely anyone ever will. I'll have to get myself some driver's training somehow. Then again, I even have apprehension there because there's so much abrasive drama that comes from people using my Grandma's car that I don't want to subject myself to anymore b.s. than I have to. She continues to let him use it, but always holds it over his head that it's hers and she can take it away anytime she wants and she calls him bitches and motherfuckers and just ugh, I don't want that to be me. Even if I could drive, I'd try to find a way to get my own car, which leads me to my dire money situation again. Both. I have no work experience, never had a job in high school. I was going to college for sign language interpreting, but it wasn't for me. Still, I really love languages, so I want to get training in being a translator. That's more my speed. I know I'm going to have to take some kind of schooling for that and I want to. I want to go to a language institute, learn a language or two, then get certified in translation. Even if that doesn't pan out, at least I'll be bilingual and maybe that'll help me get some other kind of job. (After I figure out how that's supposed to be done.) My limited official education is definitely a hindrance. Also, I dropped out in the middle of the semester, so I owe my school over a grand (I was a couple months into my sophomore year when I left). Because I can't pay that yet, I can't get any financial aid or my transcripts from the school. My laptop broke over the summer (and I lost the flashdrive that had all my creative work on it), so I don't own a computer I could go to school on, even if I did had the money. (I borrow my Grandma's computer for writing and other internet stuff, but lately I've had to take it easy because she's started making her infamous passive aggressive "that's my shit" comments. She barely uses the thing, but because she's mad at me for not taking her side in the fights she's been having with my Aunt, she's now lording it over me that she can take it away my computer privileges anytime she wants. So to combat that I've been limiting my time on this thing and keeping it out of my room, so she can't say I'm hogging it or something and use that as an excuse to yell at me.) It really all goes back to money and my inability to get any. I have no way to pay for online courses or anything for that matter..I'm getting frustrated just talking about it. It's like in my whole life and especially this year: it's always something. Always something making being alive more difficult than it should be for someone my age. Helpless is the perfect word to describe me and this stupid life right now. Every time I think of a logical solution there's always some reason why it's not doable right now and I don't know how to get to a point where it is doable. It's moments like where I'm just like "why not die?"
I know things are looking pretty bleak, and you feel you're at a disadvantage. But any job, no matter how small, is still money, and some money is better than no money, especially with the way colleges and loan companies will hound you to pay up. A friend of mine just got her first job ever at age 22 - no license, no higher education. Sure, it's retail, but it's still something. The point is, you're not necessarily at as much of a disadvantage as it feels like you are right now. I don't have a license or a car either, but I still get around to my jobs. If you're desperately in need of some money, you could look into donating plasma or something like that. It certainly isn't enough to live on, but it helped me out a lot when I was unemployed for like a year. The hardest part about feeling so stifled is that opportunity never seems to knock. I know, believe me. I don't know what it's like living with someone like your grandma, but nothing gives her the right to hold you back. I also know how daunting a task making life skills is. You just need to take it one small victory at a time, whether that means striking up a conversation with a stranger or ordering a cup of coffee. You'll get there. (*hug*)
I feel the same way i'm 21 i still live with my parents i don't own a car i don't even know how to drive. The first job i have ever had is the one i got four months ago. My problem is i don't make enough money to support myself because i'm part-time. Plus i want to go back to school. Now looking for job i know its hard i really do because i didn't have any type of skill. But i just kept trying and now i bag groceries and get carts its not the best but hopefully it pay for school.
Thanks everyone for talking with me. Sorry I'm being such a downer. I'll definitely check out the donating plasma thing.
Don't worry about being a downer. We all need to communicate these things, helps keep us healthy. I found the donation process to be fairly easy, if you're not squeamish. It takes about an hour or so, but it's good time to catch up on some reading.
:bang::bang::bang: Remember those health problems I briefly mentioned? Well, turns out I can't donate plasma because of my eczema. Not only is it currently infected, but it's on both my arms right where they fucking needle thing has to go. FUCK!!! :tantrum: See? Every fucking time I try to find a solution there is something, something that has to ruin it! Ugh!!! :bang:
My first question is Is there a friend that you could stay with for a while? If you can think of someone, then talk to them, you don't have to tell them everything you said here, just let them know that it is very important that you move out. See if you can work out something on the rent where you will start paying when you get a job. Let them know that you will need to work something out to get back and forth to work, maybe have one person take you and someone else pick you up, that way it's not such a burden on one person. Then McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's and all the other's hire all day long every day, you can probably find one pretty close to your friends place, again that way its no so hard to get back and forth. Talk to all of your friends that drive and find out how many of them would be willing to help you learn to drive. I imagine you can find one or two, maybe three that are willing to help you out. Then you can get your license, and after a while of working, and saving you can buy your own car. This is not going to be easy, but nothing good in life is easy. But, it can be done,You are depressed at the moment, once you manage to start making some changes, even small one's, things start to look better, and easier. You may have to talk to several friends before you can make something work, don't get discouraged if you have to talk to several.
I don't have several friends, only two. Cost of being a loner all my life. One friend lives in another state with a full house that he's struggling to take care of (mom, siblings, kid, unemployed and preggers baby mama) and the other is in the same predicament as me; jobless, carless (doesn't know how to drive) and living with her parents and younger brother. She goes to school, community college at her parents request. She'd rather work, but they won't let her. Her parents wouldn't let me stay with them. Hell, I haven't even been invited into their house yet just to hang out for a day and I've been best friends with the girl for three years. So that's not an option. Thanks for trying to help.
