Does it? I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper and sometimes I am happy, but every time I fall it becomes more difficult to lift myself up again. I feel lethargic, weak, sad, alone, tired and I hate how passive I am. I want to be loved but I don't love myself. Does it really get better? Part of me aspires to a ferociously beautiful future. Singing live in front of an adoring crowd of thousands, writing an acclaimed and innovative novel, learning how to surf, snowboard and going skydiving. Travelling to luscious rain forests and arid deserts and snowy Mountain peaks. Living in New York City among like-minded individuals. Living up life to it's full potential, wringing out every ounce of enjoyment there is to be had. Part of me says I'm going to meet a host of stunning women and have a strong, healthy sex life. Love won't be a problem, it will be a blessing. The other part knows none of that is ever going to happen. Life will be just as dreary as it is now until I eventually contract some terminal illness and live out the rest of my days in solitude, with the grey punctuated by bursts of vibrancy that falter too quickly. Is it okay to dream? Or will reality get the better of me? I want to believe my life is going to hold impossible wonders. I want to believe I'm going to grow up a confident, successful person with good fortune every step of the way. I don't mind if the path is rugged; all the better, in fact. I just don't want to carry on like this and I don't know how to change my way of living. It's currently October. The earliest chance I have to move out of 'home', a place I feel little emotional attachment for, is next September. That equates to at least 11 more months with a tyrannical father and an ever optimistic mother who is consistently crushed by his negativity, his anger, his cynicism, his aggression, his demand to be right, his forceful attitude, and his constants rants and raves. People say it's not a problem if there's no physical abuse (although there has been self inflicted) but the emotional damage he has caused me and continues to do so makes me nauseous just thinking about it. Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm truly ecstatic and sometimes I'm numb to the bone. I get drunk and I get high and the comedown could topple an elephant but the high is so fantastic I feel it's worth it. I experience ups and downs while sober, in fact I'm never really just doing "fine". It's not one of two feelings but an amalgamation of conflicting thoughts and emotions doing battle all day every day. Sometimes the positive side is on top and sometimes the negative side is on top. But which do I listen to? Do things get better as you grow older, wiser, more accustomed to the harshness of life? Or do you merely become more acrimonious towards the world? I don't want to grow up if there isn't something effervescent in store. I wanna live, you know? I have no interest in well paying jobs and the like (beyond bare necessity). I want to travel and travel until I've seen everything there is to see, done everything there is to do. I wanna barge through obstacles and approach the finishing line relatively unscathed. I feel like the dreams I have may not even be plausible. If that is the case, I don't want to grow up. All the time I dream of complete and utter happiness. I dream of walking down a beach and feeling the sand between my toes before I enter the warm, blue water and swim. I dream of campfires and jam sessions and eating at outdoor cafes and flirting with the hot waitresses and looking out from a balcony overlooking the sea. I dream of starting up a company and going big, of winning the lottery, of making a film and sharing it with the world. I dream of wild nightclubs, partying all the way into the night, experimenting with dangerous drugs, fraternizing with rich and poor alike. I dream of making new friends, real friends, true friends. I dream of smiling and laughing and actually meaning it this time. Making love to someone and feeling that mutual feeling of adoration. Waking up lying next to someone whose imperfections makes them even more perfect. All the time I dream of killing myself. Of slashing my wrists, of diving from tall buildings, of swallowing pills and shooting or stabbing myself. I dream of my families various reactions and that of my friends. Of mere acquaintances and strangers on the street. What the local newspaper might say. A tragedy or cutting short the inevitable. I want to live and I want to die. Which is it to be?
Dear SohoDreamer, Choose life. Fact is, the world is far larger and more beautiful than you can imagine. I had the chance, at the age of 18, to see exactly how beautiful, how majestic the world can be when I worked in the far north, in Great Whale River. You want to travel, go for it, makes your plans now, that's something to live for. We can't choose our parents, unfortunately, but we can choose to find our own North Star, and ignore all the noise and abuse. I know I have, my childhood was no picnic, but after a while I simply outgrew them. This will happen for you! Choose life; there's so much to do, and the world needs someone like you!
Yes, it really does get better. It will be dark at first, but if you hang on it will get so much better you won't believe it. I attempted suicide at 15. I thought it would not ever get better, but trust me, it will. Do you have a friend you can talk to, a teacher, a councilor or a neighbor? You need to find them and talk to them to get support.
So many issues to deal with here. Life is your only real choice to achieve any dream. No you can't have everything by 20, but by 65 you can do quite a bit of that. Like at 36 I got in my car that summer with my ex and dog and drove 22 thousand miles in 4 months before returning home. It was a amazing trip seeing most of the places I dreamed of seeing. Now I have the love I missed all of the first 40 years. I had to wait all those years to feel like this. I am 41 now. I was 27 when I bought my first house. See how it goes? It all came with time! Life is not like Burger King, "Your way, right away"! So set which goals are obtainable first and achieve them one by one and before you know it, you will be knocking them out. Good luck! June
Things may get dark and seem like that, but choose life. You never know what tomorrow will bring if you stop the fight now. Choose life. I was in your shoes before, torn on if I should just give up or carry on. If I gave up last year, I wouldn't have worked on the biggest project in my years as a "writer". I wouldn't have found the drive to graduate. I would have never found the love of my life or gotten engaged either. I'm not saying I'm completely "healed" of my depression, but I'm much better (health wise) and happier now than I have ever been. The road getting to this point wasn't paved perfectly and there were some intense storms along the way, but I made it. I know if you hang on too, you can make it and achieve your dreams and goals. You can find happiness. In my opinion, it get better. But it doesn't happen overnight although it would be nice if it did. It takes some time and if you give yourself that, you can start to see it. It's easier said than done, but once you start the process of trying to love yourself (not beating yourself down so much), things can improve. I know it's more like a journey rather than an overnight thing, but for me I've noticed an improvement when I started that. Good luck!
You dream of walking on the beach? Go to a beach then! You might as well try out a few things in life and enjoy them rather than dying now and missing out on everything. You can't do everything at once, though. Pick one small way to improve your life and work on that first. When you've brought that into your life, pick something else. Don't wait till you're rich and famous to enjoy life, find something to enjoy now. Start with something small.
Look at my signature. Take a good look at it, and then read the rest of this post. That quote at the bottom of everything I post was indeed said by the famous guitarist known as Pete Towshend. You probably won't find his name attatched to that quote if you do a google search, because it's one of the very few things he said while performing at the Allstate Arena on November 29th of last year. I think you may know what he's been through. The deaths of two band members, constant fist-fighting, bickering, drunkenness and Keith (sometimes all at the same time), constant pressure to write more and more for the next album that he has a deadline on, the departure of an extremely helpful manager, and a persona that holds him as an extremely bitter man (when he never really was). Earlier than that, he had to deal with one of the most abusive women on the planet (and wrote "A Quick One" in memory of that) as a "guardian". To give you a good idea of what I'm talking about, here's an excerpt from his book: "To this day I still wake up terrified, sweating with fear, shaking with rage at the fact that my door to the landing was always kept unlocked at night. I was a tiny child, just six years old, and every night I went to sleep feeling incredibly exposed, alone and unprotected. In addition to the buses, we also had a view of the train station. I loved to look at the magnificent steam engines, fantasising about sharing the moment with a friend, brother, sister - someone. My last thoughts before sleep often focused on longing for my physical affection. Denny didn't touch me apart from slapping me, brutally scrubbing my body in the bath or dunking my head under the water to wash off the soap. One night, when Denny lost her temper, she held my head under for a long time." So what's my point here? I'll admit I took the quote a bit out of context, as what he really was saying was "Things with the band got better. Not easier, but definitely better" but I do think that it's applicable with just about everything. Take a good look at human history. Unless you're a purist or Puritan, I'd highly doubt that you'd find where we are at a worse position than we were in the beginning. We've got things and we use things every day that our ancestors only a few generations ago could only imagine, dream or fathom to be as magical. If they saw us now, they'd think we were sorcerers. But as a race, as a species, it wasn't easy. It still isn't. There are still places we want to go. But you can't just get there simply by sitting there. You've got to make some advances, you've got to make sacrifices and you've got to work hard at it. Nobody ever worth looking up to got to the position they were in not by working hard at getting there. Name me one person who didn't work hard and IS worth looking up to, and I'll take it all back. So yes, things do get better. As we progress through life, there are hardships. Life isn't easy, life will never be "easy". Because once it is, it's either over, or it's all of a sudden "hard" as things come crashing right back down. But things do get better.
Yes, it definitely gets better - if you're willing to put in the work. Life is what you make it and if you want a life filled with fun and interesting experiences, that is certainly doable - but no one is just going to hand it to you. I know just where you're coming from with an emotionally abusive dad. Mine never quite worked up the balls to try for physical abuse, but he sexually molested two of my sisters, which led to him being thrown out of the house after I'd left home. Regardless, I was pretty messed up for a while. But things definitely got better and it didn't happen overnight. Things I learned along the way: If you want something, make a plan and be prepared to sacrifice for the goal. Most of the things you say you want to do are just a matter of planning and throwing money at the problem. Which means that you are going to need a job that pays well enough that you can both support yourself reasonably well and save up enough to take trips on a regular basis. It would also be good if it was something you like to do. So, what sort of jobs meet those criteria? Can you handle only going to matinees or eating the cheaper items on the menu so you can save up for that trip to the rainforest you're planning? Etc. You will fail or get knocked down sometimes. That's part of the human condition. Don't let it get you down. Grieve if you must, cry if you want to (it's your life and your party), then pick yourself up, shake it off, and either try again or figure out an alternative means of reaching the goal. Always try to have a Plan B. Having an alternative course of action if 'Plan A' doesn't work out tends to both save time and build confidence. It can often put you in the position of keeping your head while those around you are losing theirs. Don't let perfect be the enemy of 'good enough'. So your life isn't working out so you can take a first class tour of Europe? What about backpacking, biking, and heavy use of a train pass? So you don't have the talent to be the next global music sensation? What about joining a gay men's chorus, or forming a band with friens and playing small clubs and events? Or whatever. Realize that as crappy and painful as some parts of your life might be now, they are the things that also make you stronger. Although it may not feel like it now, you may very well find yourself with the ability to shrug off stuff that has most people curling up in a ball whimpering. Because you've been there, done that, and survived it. Hang in there, DONT EVER GIVE UP, and use the 11mos you mention as time to think and plan how you want your life to be and how you're going to get there. It may take a while and take a lot of steps to complete the journey. But I know you're strong enough. Best, Todd
If that is you in your picture then I don't think your going to struggle with finding love in future. Anyway your 17 you haven't even got started yet. Work hard and take failures on the chin and things will go well. From my experience life will always hurt now and again. But it just stops hurting as much and you get more to be happy about. I've had similar thought may times but I've learnt that as long as you fight, it will get better.
It definitely does get better. For most of high school I struggled with depression and dealt with my physically and emotionally abusive father. It took some time but in the end I got through with the help of my friends. You're still young and even though it seems like nothing will better it will. It will take time but things get better.
I completely understand how you feel, with all the highs and lows. And I know that coming from me, an "it'll get better, you'll get there" doesn't sound too promising, because I still have those feelings now at 22, and I had them back when I was 17 like you, and I know, at 17, 22 seems so far away, and you'd hope by then you'll get to do something wonderful. But listen up, ok? It really will get better. And with the right amount of effort and a little bit of luck, you will get there. I dream of travel, of living lightly and making my way to distant places. I wish I could have a shabby flat in a small city that I could easily bike around, and work odd hours and eat chinese 3 nights a week. I want to try something new every day, no matter how small, and chronicle the experience. Some days I want to go back for my degree, others I want to run, drive, get as far as I can go and then settle down briefly, live out of my car, make some money wherever I can, and do it all again until I've travelled the continent. And right now, at 22, I haven't done any of that. I'm still at home with mom and dad, I don't have my own car, and I don't have much money to do amazing things with because I need to pay back school loans. But that doesn't mean things aren't looking up. I've done so much since I was 17 - I've travelled alone across the state, and with friends out of state to the beach for a week. I've started coming to terms with my gender identity, which is something I've been struggling to grasp for a long time now. I've gotten pets, lost pets, lost friends, and gained friends. I've experimented, however briefly, with drugs (not something I advocate, of course, but something I've done nonetheless), and made art from my hallucinations. I've gone vegan and kept my commitment, started collecting vinyl, snuck into cemeteries late at night to build fires and swap stories, played new instruments, dumpster-dived with friends for art projects, saved wild animals. The thing is, the big dreams we have for ourselves are something to hold onto, but more than that, something to work towards. Plan for them, make them happen or they'll always seem far away and out of reach, and maybe slip by you. But as you get older, you start to revel in the little things I think. Stealing fallen street signs when there's no cops around to tell you off for it, finding cool things that other people have discarded, going anywhere new no matter how close or far away. Maybe the little things don't always make for the best stories, or add up to achievements, but they are satisfying, and I find they make you feel real, and alive, and wonderful. So my advice? Live. Fight for it. Try something new everyday, make your experiences count. Meet people, love people, let people go. And plan for those dreams - I'm saving up, and when I get that car, I'll be taking what I saved and travelling. It all gets better if we want it to. And if you want it to be, every new experience is worth it.
Things will get better, I feel it with every fiber of my being. I won't stop fighting for my dreams to become a reality. From the wise words of RuPaul: "I wanted to go out and explore all the things this world had to offer. And you can do that at ANY moment in your life. Right now! TODAY! THIS moment! You can start that right now!"
