[ ATTN: this is a ramble... don't expect to be fulfilled :lol: ] Hey there, all. It's been a while. I've been busy/without problems, etc... so that's good. Life is pretty much flowing like normal, coming out to my dad hasn't really changed anything. Which is a little annoying, but I'm certainly not complaining. We haven't talked about any of it at all really. Which I guess is fine. It has done me a world of good just knowing he knows. So what happens at night, when I'm lying in bed, after a long day of painting my room? No, not that, get your minds out of the gutter. :lol: I think. About life, where I'm going, what sort of things will happen to me, etc. They're the kind of thoughts that have the potential to really screw me up... So I'm trying to be light with it all. I guess I'll be okay. Sure I'm excusing myself from a normal teenagehood, but I think I'm responsible enough to deal with all the freedoms that come with college, my own place, a mass coming out, a big city, and the number 18. I'm basically on hold right now. By choice, really. I've rationalized every decision in my life, and my reasons might be right. I'm not really social, because I'm gay and in the closet. And not coming out until graduation, because I know I can't deal with everyone officially knowing in high school. I'm not dating or even close to 'getting to know' anyone because of the above not coming out, and my body image issues. I have told myself that I will make further gains this summer in getting fit and eating right. I'm not going to dances because I'm not social, and having never been to a school dance, I have no reason to start now. So there we have it. I'm just boring. And I've got sad reasons for it. But won't I be screwed when all these deadlines come around and things don't go as planned? How will I know how to deal? It's like I'm waiting for life to explode with amazingness on this magic day in 2009, and I just KNOW I'm setting myself up for disappointment.
Long, sorry, please read, even if in pieces. You think coming out to your dad does a world of good, try a school. When i did it was a total power trip (i say that at the risk of sounding like an attention seeker, which i am not). I mean i love it, it's actually FUN. I get to do whatever the fuck i want, when i want to do it. It's amazing. And the best part of it. No maintainence. I haven't heard or heard of one bad comment made against me. It's all about the way you carry yourself. If you look like you got a "yeah i'm gay, deal with it bitch" look about you, people will give you respect, trust me. You look like "oh please sir, have mercy, don't make fun of me" then you have a better chance of receiving flakk. No one messes with me, or my gay friends (and again at the risk of sounding conceided) cuz then they got to deal with this big mouth. And the even more disheartening thing about you post is that you said your denying yourself those cute little HighSchool boyfriends that go so easily (which somehow is cute to me, puppy love i mean). I mean yeah the fear of discrimination sucks but thats discussed above. But with the body image issues. Join the club sister. Here's a secret, find me a gay teen without some form of body image issues and i'll show you a cockysonofabitch. I am the supreme Goddess of body image issues ok? lol But i won't let that get in the way because right now, i'm not looking for sex (ok that's half a lie lol) im just looking for someone to hang with, kiss and cuddle. The rest can wait til i feel ready or comfortable with my body. After all the kinda cuddling im refering to is with clothes. With the school dance thing, well i can't give you flakk on that. I only go cuz im on the commitee and dont do any actual dancing which kinda resembles someone with a mild form of epilepsy (im going to feel terribly guilty if that offends someone:icon_redf ). FINALLY, as for the deadline thing and your expectations. F*ck 'em. Your setting yourself up for regret. Live it by how it goes, when your in that moment to the best of your ability. After all, grad is a long ways away, alot can happen between then and now that drastically alters your life and having plans that have to bend around them and adjust, eventually break. Whereas the freedom of taking it minute by minute, moment by moment is forever intangible and unbreakable. I just want to leave you with this, and i say this to the best of my ability. Don't wait. Years are flying by that can never be relived, rewrote or replayed. School compared to the rest of your life, are the best years IF and only if you live them the way you want to. The way you truely want to without inhibitions. What is really your worst fear about living true in High School. Can it be worse than living your last years the exact opposite of what you want. I for one would choose death as opposed to going back in the closet. Because that's how good i feel now. How proud of myself. To go back would be asking me to forfeit everything i ever wanted. Real happiness. The kind that can't be conveyed in any movie, story or even personal memoir. I beg you, reconsider. I will forever love myself for doing this for me. For creating all these memories in school i could get no other way than by being true to myself and other. Much love and Blessed be Brendan.
Brenton.... but I'm just happy you remembered it. Close enough :icon_bigg Thanks for reading my ramble. It means a lot. It makes me sad, reading what you wrote. Because I know you're right. I know I want the memories, and high school boyfriends... (although I doubt there'd be anyone here I'd even consider locking lips with, haha. A whole school full of dogs, go figure.) I know I want to be out officially; but I don't look forward to being open for criticism. There are people, mainly guys, that I can just be civil with now. When I'm out, who knows. I guess I've told myself that waiting for after graduation will be good because I'll be able to escape any potential haters. And what's 2 more years? stupid. I know this is feeble. High school is what you make it, I guess. As demonstrated in episode 222 of Veronica Mars... if anyone knows what I'm rambling about. I dunno. I just want to enjoy my whole family knowing more. Things are so unchanged. It makes me a little pissed for having made such a big deal over it. I don't know what I want, but I just wish it made me happier. Maybe coming out is a bit like drugs, the more you take, the more you need to get the same high? Now on to body image issues... :dry: You'll have to understand that I'm not the skinny bitch who "needs" to loose three pounds before prom. *scoffs* I am a little heavier than I'd like. To an extent that I don't enjoy public swimming. :icon_bigg But it's not really noticeable with clothes on. I'm not a huge fat guy or anything... I'd just like to flatten everything. I've seen you, on your myspace, and you were looking pretty hot, and skinny, if memory serves me correctly. :icon_wink So yeah... the saga continues...
I'll complete this with: And perhaps the freedom you get after telling EVERYONE is enough to last you for the rest of time??? Not that I'm saying it will make me eternally joyous, lol.
I JUST finished posting how i always thought it was brendan.....maybe cuz im reading a good book with that name in it.....sorry!! i hate it when ppl call me by the wrong name. (Kyle, if you wanna suck up tho it's Kai) so i know your pain lol. I didn't mean to make you sad :hug: But yeah, join the club...the only gay guys here are over the top flamers, im looking for a more masculin type. I'm just worried about the bigger picture. I really don't want you to have regrets over high school, and if you think you won't then good on ya'. If it makes you happy staying closeted and you're sure you won't have regrets then maybe coming out in high school isn't for you. If you answered yes to both of those questions, then your plan works for you so who i am to tell you're wrong. I'm just playing psychologist like i always do, i have to ask the hard questions for your own good (that sounds self-righteous, but i never meant it like that). Hey you're not exactly ugly either ?! (that was a compliment, not flirting haha) But just so you know being skinny, either pole of the desired state of a nice toned body, is (usually) undesirable to that person. And i'm defintely not anorexic, but i hate how skinny i am. My Myspace photos, i have clothes on (if i recall) ones specially picked out to deceive people. Do me a favour, if you wanna shead some pounds, mail them to me would ya? (yes that was a joke...please dont send me body fat) HA! Wrong, the school isn't enough, i wanna tell my country, the world AND THEN THE ALIENS.....(please don't take that seriously, i have no desire to broadcast myself to extra-terrestrials)
Oh and just an add on, i'm TERRIFIED of public swimming as well. Even almongst my closest friends, i wouldn't take off my shirt if they paid me two hundred dollars......okay i lied for two hundred maybe id consider it....but you get my point.
First... LOL. You're a funny guy (and I was flirting, jk, lol) (okay, we seem to be having a 2 person convo, here... perhaps msn would be a good idea, lol. Anyway, I won't quote... Long story-- ski trip today. Up too early, SO mentally/physically tired.... so yeah, you should be able to follow) <-- what a rant! So... Yay... everyone on EC knows my name, now. Glad that's cleared up. haha :lol: Next is: It was a good sad... And a big echo for wanting a masculine guy... I mean, I'm gay because I like GUYS! haha I agree with you on the bigger picture. It deserves worry, hence my feeble comment. Sure I have weak excuses to back up staying in the closet, but I know they are pathetic. Coming out would be grand... I just dunno yet. Body issues... yay! No, I don't think I'm really ugly... it's mainly the poundage I'm stressing on. I was pretty lucky, genetically, all things considered. Like to be taller, have your ultimate sex hair, etc, but I don't need any major surgery, lol. In fact, today on mentioned ski trip, this cute instructor (girl :icon_sad: ) mentioned that I had cool hair... all curly, after giving me my lift pass. T'was nice :icon_wink I think my body issues have a lot to do with lack of self confidence, but still there is work to be done. And I'll be heading down to Canada Post as soon as I accomplish said work. How long would a parcel take to get to NL? I guess I did mean telling the whole world... as in being completely out to everyone, no holds barred. (I guess I plan on it being one and the same?) And yes... public swimming is death. Best enjoyed from the side of the pool, fully clothed. (watching all the swimmers... lol) One last (random) ski trip reference: My instructor and another instructor were HOT ... I played extra dumb at snowboarding, perhaps pretended to need him for balance a little more than I really did.
Yeah, although there are no known rules for a two person convo but msn might be better...i sent you mine in a msg...however my computer = deathh, thus my msn isn't working right now....so don't be offended if i don't add you til like tuesday haha. Peace B. ! :icon_wink
No worries. It's neat how we live so close and have gotten to know each other so well. And I guess this thread has pretty much finished itself off. A neat little story with absolutely NO ending. Thank god this isn't a movie. Because there's NOTHING I hate more than a movie without an ending, lol.
*breaks through the wall* MWAHAHAHA! NOT A TWO PERSON CONVO ANYMORE!!! ^_^ Now it's a threesome. (notlikethat.) Haha. Okay. Just felt like uh...speaking. so...
Back from the impending depths, this thread shall thrive for another! Thank you for speaking. lol And it's just like that... the threesome, lol.
