How much does Age Difference matter?

Depends on one person's age, the other person's age, and the difference between the two ages.

The obvious large-and-often-totally-irreconcilable difference in certain age difference relationships (Young teen and older teen, very young adult with a mid-to-late-20's or older person, and so on) is that both people are in very different stages in life and differ greatly in maturity levels and standing. For instance, were I to date someone who's 25: they may be done with school and have been working for a while and may even be financially independent. In contrast, I'm still a working student who lives at home, won't be done school for a while, and still have a lot of growth ahead of me. However, depending on the other person and my knowledge of myself (Am I mature enough, are our potential problems easily dealt with, etc.), this would be what I'd say is on the threshold of being workable.

In contrast, a 13-year-old with an 18-year-old would largely be unworkable in my eyes due to the unparalleled growth during the teenage years that the 13-year-old likely could not match at all. Likewise, a romantic relationship between a young adult (18-22 or so) with someone much, much older (10+ years or so) would likely have some issues (It's true that there are exceptions) for reasons I've outlined above as well as others. In contrast, a 10-year difference between a 30-year-old and 40-year-old would not have the same large differences and so would probably be perfectly fine.

 

I agree with Luthan. The "changing" that happens as a person grows is like a negative exponential curve. Young teens change year to year. 18-21 probably change 1 time or so as they move out and either go to school or start working to live. Then you gain some more maturity and mostly stay the same for most of your midlife years. Then I notice people either become happy elders or mean, cranky, bitter elders.

I wouldn't want to go more then a few years either direction. Once you get older though, the difference between 30-40 or 40-50 isn't HUGE like 20-30.

That's my opinion and what I'd be comfortable with.

 

To me it matters a lot. I only date people that are older and younger than me. The oldest they can be is 36.

 

Who exactly determines 'what you should do' other than the people involved in the relationship?
I'd not worry about this. The best thing to do is to throw out all conceptions of other people and work out what makes the two people involved happy.

I went out with a girl who really really really liked the skin on her elbows massaged once. No kidding.
Now, could you imagine the fallout if I concluded that ALL girls liked this?

I don't think there's a right and wrong beyond what each partner needs to feel safe, secure, supported and loved.

Regarding age:

Luthan's post is excellent. Particularly regarding the change in how age differences are perceived.

If there's an extreme age gap you could have 'generational issues'. For example, I knew a lass who was 17 that went out with a 40-year old. She was of the opinion that 'women didn't have orgasms'. I can't help but wonder why
Additionally, that caused her a lot of problems at home, and she became a bit of a pariah socially. She didn't have a good relationship with her father as it was (a pattern maybe?) so this just added fuel to the fire.

There's also the issue of younger partners being perceived as 'wanting to play the field' whereas older partners maybe looking for something more permanent. These are generalisations to be sure, but they're still possible. I'm not saying that every older person is going to hang on to a partner like some lonely lamprey of love.

I think psychological maturity is a massive factor.
I was very mature growing up, largely being influenced by my older brothers. For this reason, I always found mutual attraction with people slightly older than me.

I've also found myself to be irked by some behaviour when a partner has been a lot less mature than me. But after discussion and shaking my zimmerframe at them, it's normally sorted.

I have found younger partners are very appreciative of gentle guidance that can be given them - this is true. But I've made a point of trying to learn things from them too, so there's no 'dominance' established.

It's a fascinating topic really. Probably under studied. I personally don't feel that I could be with someone I am capable of being a son or father to. Indeed, I'm coming to see even 18 and 19-year olds as children. But ultimately, we have laws for a reason.

 

I don't know but it seems to me that you let your ego to choose who you should be with instead of your heart here...
What is it about her that make you think she is "very interesting"? Does she have something you're looking for in a person?
Older does not necessarily mean more experienced and younger less experienced. I could be wrong but I think that every time when you're with someone new it feels like a first time. You may have some experience but still the person you're going to be with is different, will have different expectations and needs so it'll require a lot of exploring and learning on both sides anyway.
And speaking about intimacy, if you're in it with someone you care about you'll catch up on what to do pretty fast. At least it worked for me. Sex is a natural activity for people to do, it's not C++ programming.:icon_wink

 

Age is such a funny territory. Personally, I'd really like a guy who was slightly older - maybe mid twenties? Younger wouldn't really be my thing. First, younger would be 18... Too much stress then and life choices with schools and college....I want someone who has things falling into place.

In terms of extreme age gaps, I don't think it works. That's often a thread on here, like "I'm 21... My boyfriend is 104. Is that bad?" There's always exceptions, I just think that if you have to question it then maybe it really shouldn't happen.

 

As has already been noted, age is a very unique thing. It can vary based on many things as to whether those relationships work and such. Different people grow emotionally at different points in their lives, as well as physically. But I think sometimes an age gap isn't a big deal.

Of course, I definitely understand the age gap issue in terms of sexual nature. I'm 21, but the girl I like is still a teenager. Of course, this means I can't touch her without it being illegal for at least two years. On the other hand, I'm also new to the idea of sex- and I recall her saying she hasn't had any experience either. For me, this is a bit scary because I don't know if I'd ever be able to please her. But, it's too early to worry about that now. I plan on waiting either way, and hoping for the best.

But that leaves the question of what is considered good and bad. Some people stay virgins until they are thirty, and others lose their virginity before coming of age. If a twenty-five year old has experience and is dating a 30-year-old without...While the 30-year-old may overall be with things falling into place, they are likely to be just as uncomfortable in the relationship due to worrying if they can make the other happy in the multitude of ways the relationship would possibly involve as the younger.

Of course, while I think someone who's 21 and someone who is 104 is a bit of a stretch...If you're happy, it's overall okay to me. But if you have to ask, sometimes it is an alarm bell on its own.

And with that, I should stop talking before I think about my own little alarm bell.

 

There has been a lot of age difference topics on this forum and I am proud of fact I am dating someone who is 45 and I am only 22. It is not a issue nor is it unhealthy for someone to engage in such a relationship. I am with a man in a committed relationship and I love him with all of my heart and we will probably get married someday. It is all about love, respect, honestly and so on. Age should be the most least important thing in a relationship. I see nothing wrong with it. I had a good friend who is 22 get married to a nice 42 year old man in Minnesota when marriage became legal in August. No one blinked an eye about it. My family may not like it and see it as he is taking full advantage of me but it is the exact opposite. Love is love.

 

When I was younger, I always said I would never date someone who is much older. Then when I was 20 I fell for a guy who was 27, which to me at the time was a big difference in age. I fell for him regardless, and since then my view have changed a lot in that regard.

Personally, I prefer to date someone older than I am, not younger. But I think 15 years would be the limit for me.

 

Chip I couldn't disagree with you more and I know you have a very clear opinion on these type of relationships. I am not gonna discuss personal details of my boyfriend but I know in my heart that we are in a long term committed relationship headed for marriage. Your opinion is almost like my parents and you would get along great with them.They are anxiously waiting for our end date. We You have to get out of people's head's Chip you are not their doctor or their therapist and you maybe you have never been in love to realize what love really is.Because our love is real and I am not gonna let anything stop me from loving him. It is hard enough being a disabled person in a relationship with someone who is 45 than people really stereotype and get ideas in their heads about me that I am this poor disabled boy being taken advantage by a older man who is gonna break my heart and take my money. Is is old news and I am glad to continue my life with him in a different state that my family does not live in.

 

I'm going to have to disagree with Chip on this one too. I am 44, and my husband is 28. We have been married for 2 years, and dated for 2 years before that. We are equals in the relationship, and make a point of being so. I am sure that that age difference would not work for everyone, but it does for us.

 

I definitely have to agree with Chip, but I won't say anything that's trying to make it sound better. All I have to say is....we mean no harm. We look at the history of our fellow friends, psychological evaluations...everything. We don't say these things because we want to cause harm! We don't just say this stuff because we think it's fun.

I hope what I am about to say won't offend you. I mean it in the most caring way - is this worth losing your family? Is it worth losing people who do care about you? I am unfamiliar with your situation, but all I can say is that I highly doubt they are doing anything but caring for you.

It's not the exact same situation, but I had a friend who was dating a complete ass. He was such a tool. We all tried to break them up, and she would not budge. We stopped talking for over a year. It was bad. She finally broke it off with him. Thank god!

Try to not go through that. It hurts in the long haul. Find a happy medium.

 

I think it really depends. If I want a casual fling, I can go up to 15 years older than me and enjoy the relationship. But if I want something serious, like a real girlfriend, I find that I need someone more my age. Someone who is still getting started in life and who has similar interests as me.

 

I used to feel happier with an older guy as they were more mature oldest was 29 when I was 17 that was my cherry gone my ex was 5 years older lasted 6 months . only been with 1 younger guy my current bf just turned 20 acts older am 21 in feb .

 

Hmm,

I dunno chip (or anyone here) at the moment, but he did preface his comments to Dano with "your case may be an exception". Seems fair enough to then go on to point out reasons for why exceptions are, well, exceptions! ^.^

When I was 20 I dated someone who was 37. I lived with her for 9 months, but eventully it didn't work out based on reasons similar to what Chip described. There was financial imbalence, experience imbalence and maturity imbalence. It was probably the maturity imbalence that most affected the realtionship, though (which I accept full responsibility for; I was such a little fuker!).

Even though we cared for each other deeply ( on an emotional level), after some time it became clear that we wanted different things.

To those exceptions out there...more power to ya! ^.^

 

Love should not be based on age unless the age of one is illegal. Such as with children.

Otherwise, go with your heart. Your soul mate just may be of 20 years difference between you both. Why miss out?

---------- Post added 30th Oct 2013 at 10:17 AM ----------

My partner who I have been with since 1995 is six years younger than me.

 

As long as your both of legal age of consent, and love each other, why should it matter what anyone else thinks? It's your life, not anyone else's.

 

All I have to say to this is that sometimes, people give advice that matters. Sometimes, we need to learn to take it, especially in terms of dating. People care. It's so hard because you need to learn from yourself, but from the other side....it's sad to see people get hurt!