Hey, everyone. Soo, as I'm sure many of you have seen, I've gone back and forth on my gender for quite a bit, buuut, no more. I've suffered from dysphoria for as long as I can remember (since around 5 years old)....transition was a constant dream for me since age 16. And truthfully? I know exactly what happened. I didn't get the real life support I should have or that I needed. Everyone in my life and my family made me feel weird and wrong, including the ones who should have been there for me and supported me no matter what. I've been going back and forth these past few months since stopping HRT and cutting my hair because I've been scared to admit that I made a mistake, and have had absolutely no energy to pursue transition again. I know...truthfully? I hate being transgender....I hate it so, so, soo much. I found comfort and security in being male because it was easier and because it's what everyone forced me into, soo I just found a way to romanticize it (and, in turn sorta obsess over/fetishize gay people). In the end, however, I just started resenting cis gay men, because I was jealous they didn't have to struggle with gender dysphoria, like me. Regardless, I know I am absolutely trans...there is no doubt in my mind. I know and I have always known that I am the absolute textbook definition of trans, no matter how hard I've tried to change it or reframe it or retrain my brain. I felt worthless and unworthy, and more importantly, unworthy of love as a transgirl...I prolly still will, and it's something I will have to work on, but I can't build my life around having a relationship, because it will only make me resent my partner and make both of us incomplete and unhappy. It's funny, I know because I've been on like 5 dates since detransition....and all but one of them I ruined by *having* to mention that I'd "done drag" and then ultimately confessing I'd been in transition and ultimately discussing trans* issues. I've been trying to distract myself by dating, volunteering, getting involved in an LGBT group, and trying to bury myself more and more in the male identity, all to take my mind off it and with the hope that reinventing myself would make me forget, but it hasn't worked and it's made things worse. Anyway..I've been dragging my feet about retransition the past few months, because I haven't had the strength, but I've gotten to sample gay male life a bit more recently, and I've sorta gotten a reset/renewal. I think I'm ready for one more fight, with new priorities: number one, I'm going to GET the support I need (from my local LGBT community) and number two, I'm going to allow myself to take it slow, and not take it serious, and not put any kind of pressure on myself. Bottom line is: I'm sick of pretending, and denial, and trying to lie myself and convince myself I can handle being someone I'm not. There are no coping mechanisms with dysphoria, and I'm sick of desperately trying to make things okay that I'm not okay with.. I'm also going to take a break from online sites like this, so this is goodbye, for a while. I'll be back, eventually, hopefully when I'm in a better place, but until then, I wish you all the best of luck in each of your journeys! -chercheur
(*hug*) I could tell by your posts ever since you've been back and going through de-transition that your identity seemed to be something you were running from rather then discovering. I'm happy that you have grown to realize and accept yourself as you are. As someone who also didn't get very much positive support from family about my orientation and eccentricities, I am very familiar with how discouraging it can be. There is truly not much to say, but I hope that everything goes well and moving at a comfortable pace will be more assuring for you. We'll be happy to see you back further down the line. ^_^
@Gen, Yeah...lots of people have said it seemed really forced, and even though I've known it I've tried to keep forcing it. But that's such a great way to put it, cause I have been running from myself and trying to fool myself and others into believing I was "finding myself", when really, I am one of the unlucky few who were never really lost to begin with. This does feel right. It felt right the first time. But it feels badd...reaaally, really bad, cause transition is a nightmare in so many ways. I wish the dysphoria wasn't so intense....like if only there were wiggle room.....ohh well.
Chercheur, I just want you to know that I wish you the best of luck. I hope everything works out good. And, even though I may not be finished with all 13 Books by the time you return, I'll dedicate every Book I write to you. You are one of the many people who I really care about, and you are the one who inspired me the most. Goodbye for now, Chercheur. :smilewave :newcolor: (!) (!!) :dead: :lol: :laugh: P.s. Can you give us an estimate on when you'll be back?
@GayNerd, Awww, that is soo sweet of you, Nathan! It makes me feel really good to know I was able to influence someone positively, like that (*hug*) you're a really smart, sweet kid and you have a lot of good things in store for you, buddy! And, haha, hmm, not suure. I've got a lot of work/exploring to do, and I'm trying to keep my mind away from triggers for a while. I will prolly be back in a few months, hopefully in a better place. But ooh! I'ma start making YouTube videos, so if anyone wants a link, PM me!
Ooh, I'm interested. The vids be about transition? And, I'll miss you, but I'm glad you're no longer running from yourself. Hope to see you again round here (*hug*)
See ya! I know we haven't talked much, but I always look out for your posts. Hope everything works out for you.
(*hug*) hope everything works out for you and that you find that somebody. I always enjoyed talking to you
See you later, sweetheart. I wish you all the best. I'm looking forward to you coming out on the other side of this a stronger, happier person. You can do it. I'm pulling for you. And if/when you decide to come back, I'll almost definitely still be here. Good luck on your journey. (*hug*)
Thanks, everybody! I have an LGBT group meeting, tonight...we'll see if I tell anyone!! Anyway, I'll see you all around!!(*hug*) feel free to PM me if you want to keep in touch. *disappears*
Chercheur... I'm sorry to hear about your dysphoria. I know we've disagreed on certain things, but reading this is tough, because I hate seeing other trans* people suffer like this. As heartbreaking as this all is, I commend you for not backing out and for committing to the transition. Things may be bleak now, but the future is promising now that you've gotten over one of the biggest hurdles, and that's accepting yourself. I foresee a reignitement that will compel you to finalize your transition, otherwise you wouldn't be doing something this drastic. Nonetheless, I eagerly await for your return, to hear about how you'v conquered the dysphoria, no matter how unfeasible it looks atm.
