What keeps you up at night?

All kinds of shit... not so much what keeps me up, as what wakes me up. Stupid stuff I did when younger. Mostly that. Still trying to figure out how to forgive myself for that stuff.

 

Wondering if life is worth living. We're all going to die some day, all life on earth will eventually cease and even if humans some day leave this planet, the universe will eventually become inhospitable. Life is a joke, we tell ourselves that the things we do have meaning, we turn to ancient books to give meaning to our lives and if we don't, we make up our own foolish, modern superstitions. So with this in mind, why live? Our experience of life amounts to nothing and death equates to nothingness, so why do I continue this tedious cycle of waking and sleeping? Live for happiness, they tell me, live for the joys of being alive and the people you love. Damn happiness and joy, they only serve to distract people from the worthlessness of being. People who claim to love life must be lying. How can you enjoy experiencing the same god damn thing every fucking day? Sure, you can take vacations, you can get a different job, take different classes, but all is mundane. Then the sins and regrets, everyone is evil, so how can they let themselves continue living despite the things they've done? That's all life is, you're born, you do terrible things to people, you have evil done to you, you're completely immersed in this shit you perceive as "evil" and undoubtedly are distressed by it. But you continue on anyway, because hey, tomorrow you're having sex with the hot guy/girl you like, or you have enough substances to drug yourself into complacency, or you're going to a concert, or just maybe you're doing something like scientific research. Everyone always forget though, nothing you do amounts to anything substantial. Foolish. Everything about humanity is foolish, from the day we're born to the day we die, we are fools.

Those are the thoughts that keep me up at night until I'm defeated by exhaustion.

 

I don't think It would be like a black void mostly because we wouldn't be able to sense the black void due to our inabilities of death, but I don't find It too scary, mostly because I won't have any consciousness, thoughts, feelings, emotions, or senses, so I think of It as something unknown. We weren't alive before, but we are now, so maybe we actually did experience the nothingness already.

 

I've been thinking similar things as enthalpy. I've never really thought like that until recently. But now, I'm starting to wonder if there really is a point. Especially tonight specifically. My family is ganging up on me, and there's a likely chance that I might not even be considered part of the family anymore, because I'm a "lying, two-faced, immature little girl who is a bad influence on my little sister." Even though I'm one of the most responsible, loving, honest, trustworthy people in my family, even though I'm young. And I haven't really done anything wrong.

So yeah, I'm wrestling with all those lovely feelings tonight. Hence the "what's the point in existence" thoughts. Family has always been important to me, especially since I don't really have many friends. But now the ones most important to me are attacking me. Though honestly, I'm debating on cutting ties with them, even if they don't "kick me out" of the family. If I'm going to be subjected to this, I don't want to be a part of their family anymore because I deserve better than this. But at the same time, it's really depressing because I kinda feel like I'm losing everything most important to me.

But whatever. I'll just distract myself with the internet for now, and then worry about it tomorrow.

 

Has anyone watched the video 'is anything real' by Vsauce? That is what I think about all the time that keeps me up at night. I can't really explain it, you would b better off watching the video yourself. The one thing in his video that stood out the most for me is when he said 'we are alone in our own minds' and it is totally true. Watch the video if you havnt all ready it's very interesting! And a bit disturbing! Another thing that often keeps me up at night is thinking how I'm going to move out and when will this happen, and how to come out to my parents or when will they just ask me and how will they react?

 

I've been wondering about coming out as well. My dad hates gay people with a passion, so that's kept me from telling him for the longest time. But it's getting to the point where I can't stand being around him anymore because he talks so hatefully about gay people a lot. So I'm starting to wonder if I should just get it over with and tell him already. That way, if he really hates gay people that much and really doesn't want anything to do with me when he knows, then he can just cut ties with me and I won't have to sit quietly by anymore, while listening to his hate speech. Because while I'm out of the house and an adult now, it is kind of emotionally damaging to hear stuff like that all the time, even if he doesn't know he's also talking about me.

I hope that if and when you come out to your parents though, they take it a lot better than I think my dad will. I hope everything works out with you and your family. ^_^

 

The fact that most of my family has snoring issues and they're all down the hall...

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Family issues, coming out. How I'm going to get out of here and start transitioning; my dad, etc...

 

My brain, kittens, sexy men, my dog takes up too much room in my bed, what do I have to do tomorrow, I'm itchy, the list goes on and on

 

EC, sometimes.

I'm often distracted by writing. It's like a physiological need for me to write sometimes. Apart from that, I'm kept up by questions of existence, objective meaning and purpose and life, the nature of humanity, religion and that sort of thing.

Yeah, my sleep is pretty poor.

 

Death doesn't scare me. When we die, what happens afterwards is either nothing or beyond our knowledge. Either way death is not something you should fear.

What keeps me up at night are my anxieties. I've started to have an irrational fear that my perception will severely differ from reality. Like sometimes if my neck itches I might think: "what if something sharp hit it and I'm actually bleeding to death at the moment but I'm not perceiving it?" Fortunately, I know what caused this (bad trip trauma, how can you fully trust your senses again when you lost all touch with reality for several hours?) and I know how to get past it, but for now it keeps me up at night.

 

Right now it's the exams that are coming up in a few days time. I keep have this tugging fear that i'm not studying enough.

Generally though it's the sense that life is so meaningless and bland - we're supposed to only have one life and we should make the most of it and enjoy it, but all I see around me are people going to school, then going into a boring corporate job after they graduate, and then spend their entire life making mortgage payments for the house they bought.

I don't want to be that, but I haven't yet found an alternative. It's like I want to do something worthwhile, that have meaning and can help myself and others with my life, but I don't really know what or how to do so. Yeah, it's really strange and messed-up

 

am a light sleeper always have been so noise wakes me up sometimes .

 

Things that fall into one of two broad categories:

1. Grad school

2. Sexual orientation/sex/dating/self-acceptance

 

sorry foxface well in that case when I came out I had quite a crappy time wondering what now .

 

I think that that life has as much meaning as you give it. There are people who waste away doing things they hate for people they don't like, but there are also people who do things that make them come alive. Sometimes you have to do things you don't like to do so you can have the money to do what you love. If you don't see meaning in life, maybe you should question your perceptions instead of the meaning others have found. I'm not saying you're wrong or anything like that, just kind of thinking as I type.

Things that keep me up:
Thoughts about relationships.
Thoughts about God.
Thoughts about money.
Thoughts about the possibilities of what I can do for the world.
Fears about the dreams I could have if I go to sleep.
Wondering about myself/ self perception
oh and... too much caffeine.

 

-Plans for the future
-The fact that having adult responsibilities didn't come with the instant knowledge of how to handle them(i.e. life/work balance, bills, etc.)
-Alien Owls(JK, I watched that "Fourth Kind" movie on Netflix last night. It was pretty bad.)
-As to you question about the afterlife vs. non-existence, Foxface, I don't know how I feel about it. I guess my hope is that after that last brain cell stops nervously humming to itself, it really won't matter one way or the other.

 

I frequently think about the subjectivity of human experience.

 

I think about exactly the same thing and it scares the hell out of me