Today I must leave my comfortable pulchritudinous abode for the terrors of the outside world. I must leave my sanctuary to mingle in the dens of low-class thieves, searching for these wretched things called gifts that we are obligated to give people around this time of year. I will push my way through sweaty masses, buying things I would never think of buying under any normal pretext, and waddle to the cash register with my arms filled with impotent gifts that only feebly reflect my love for the person they are destined for. Perchance I’ll finally see pieces of myself through their admiration, though I must pretend and admire and indulge them in their fancy first. Ah, ego! When I approach the clerk, I am going to make my disgust obvious; I will refuse to hide the fact that I am angry at this hectic spectacle before me. I will grunt instead of merrily greeting the cashier, only to throw my money angrily at him in protest of being forced to participate in this empty ritual of consumerism. Then I will wrap these gifts painstakingly by haphazardly covering it with newspaper and tape with as much speed and wrecklessness as I can muster. Finally I will lie down, reflecting on the crushed state of my soul, and gently weep myself to sleep. What are your Christmas plans my friends(!)?
In keeping with the tradition of the Original Poster's: This year I will leave my residence and approach these gargantuan trading post known the world over as "grocery stores" and purchase the most delectable cut of the derrière of of a swine. Next, with the cut of meat safely stowed in my buggy, I will traverse the grocery store to the wild and exotic "produce" section and procure some weird fruit known as ananas (pineapple). From the large bins of bulk foods I will also secure some turbinado sugar from the exotic locale of Queen Liliuokalani's Kingdom of Hawaii. Finally, I will scour and find the ingredients necessary to fix some side dishes that are considered necessary and proper for a well-set table in our realm. After exchanging some fiat currency with the cashier, I will take the goods home. Since we give our butler and staff the holidays off, I must sadly wash the crystal glasses, polish the silver, wash and press the linens and pull out the bone china from the storage. Furthermore, I must ensure that our porcine friend is carefully prepared with the sugar and exotic fruit and placed inside the hearth cooked with the remnants of the plants and animals' bodies who last basked in the sunlight many epochs ago. When all is set, my family will descend to the dining room and feast on main course and the accoutrements placed on the sideboard, enjoy one's company, and hope our grandmother will have the privilege of having one more Christmas with us on this Earth; however, knowing that if she doesn't, she will have had a grand, last Christmas. Then, we will end our festivities and resume our prosaic lifestyle. (Note: creative license was taken in this post; we don't have butlers )
at least two of the gifts I bought on line done in seconds so no Q or snotty assistant's. dont get me wrong I do brave the millions of other people searching the shopping centers I take no notice of people around me it`s just a mad rush pick my gift and get out of their not a lover of Qs at the checkouts I do get fun out of hearing CARDS DECLINED sir-miss just have to brave the smells from others . I do take some pride in wrapping the presents at home with neat little bows .
