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I'd Like Some Opinions

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Data, Dec 16, 2013.

  1. Data

    Data Guest

    All right, so I just got home from getting into the 4th car accident I've been in. This time I was a passenger, so no insurance to deal with this time. My mother was driving through a 4 way stop rotary. We were turning left and we had almost cleared the rotary when this woman going the opposite direction pulled out from the stop sign and hit us on the rear passenger side, probably 5-10 mph.

    As soon as we got out and started talking to her, she was rude, short, and flippant. She was acting so weird that I got out my phone and started filming her because I thought she was drunk...She was this old lady who was 75 years old.

    After my mom and her had exchanged insurance info, she said that she thought since we each had stop signs we were both at fault. My mom said no, we were already in the rotary and you have to always yield to the traffic already in the rotary. I said "How are we at fault when we were already in the rotary and the damage is on the side of our car. You can't hit someone with the side of your car!" She says "Excuse me young man, did I ask you?"

    So I turned to her and said "I was in the fucking car when you ran into us. You fucking took off through the stop sign and hit US it's your fault!!!" She says "Oh that's a nice mouth on you." So I said "Yeah it is, you like it? I was raised not to be a fucking doormat, bitch."

    Now at that point, my mother's boyfriend pulled me aside and was all angry that I had said that. I asked him where his attitude was coming from since he's such pushover and would let anyone tell him off. Did he think he was being a hero or something? :dry: I would have told her a lot more if he wasn't there...

    After getting everything taken care of, the lady got back into her car, drove up onto the sidewalk and hit a water hydrant. Then she ran through the stop sign at the rotary, and drove up over the center of the island in the middle of the rotary and drove away. :eek: She must have been intoxicated on something, maybe xanax or other pills if not alcohol.

    Now, here's what I want to know. You guys don't know me, but I swear a lot. I get angry and I yell, but I haven't hit anyone ever. My mother swears like a sailor, and she has all my life. Like I said, the boyfriend is a bit of a pushover. They were both mad at me that I told the lady to fuck off, simply because she is an old woman. They said "The yelling doesn't help the situation." That might be true, but the situation was pretty much over at that point and the lady was just being such a massive bitch the whole time she had pushed me over the edge.

    Since everyone rallies for equality, I treat everyone equally. If you're a woman and you hit a man, you deserve a hit back. If you're a man and you hit a woman, she has the right to hit you back the same way. If you're a child and you treat me with respect and talk to me in a very mature manner, I'll do the same to you and treat you like an adult, I don't care if you're 5 years old. If you're an 80 year old woman who runs into our car and then has the balls to be a bitch, I'll tell you to go fuck your old hag self and I won't feel the least bit sorry.

    What do you guys think? Am I wrong? My mother and I disagree on a lot of things, so I am not accepting her judgement as it is. I'm grown enough to have my own life and my own opinions. I stopped asking her for advice on how to live 3 years ago... I just want to see what a fairly sterile 3rd party thinks. I don't see anything wrong with what I did, and I am not the slightest bit sorry.
     
  2. AlamoCity

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    First off, glad no one was injured.

    Getting to your question, do I swear? Yes. However, I was raised not to cuss at women or in front of them. Maybe just a generational thing (parents born in 50s/60s, grandparents born in 10s/20s). If I must cuss in front of a woman or to one (which is extremely rare), I won't call her a bitch but say something like "what is your God-damned problem?"

    One of my issues is that I was raised to put women on a pedestal, even while acknowledging their equality. Unless they absolutely insist that I don't stand up when they leave the table.Some consider it patriarchal, but I don't care.

    We were all raised differently and have different geographic and temporal standards to uphold. That said, that woman was probably so high/drunk/impaired not even God Himself could reason with her. Would I have cussed in your situation to her, maybe probably. I'd rather use intelligence and wit with people; unfortunately, some must be cussed at to understand the error of their ways and shut up and realize they're wrong.
     
  3. resu

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    I put a big emphasis on being polite even when there is heightened tension, and I hate showing or receiving strong emotions in public. So, I would say that you were making this into a bigger scene than it should have been, and I would have actually agreed with your mom's boyfriend to pull you away. I would agree that the yelling didn't help the situation at all, except that it shows you were unable to control your anger, which is kind of scary.

    There is a difference between your notion of "treating everyone equally" and what I think should be treating everyone with respect. It is possible to disagree without swearing, and it is totally self-defeating when you're trying to convince someone they are wrong.
     
  4. AlamoCity

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    P.S.

    Based on age, she could have had Alzheimer's. My grandmother has it and she's mild mannered. However, other people who have it do drive when they're not supposed to and when confused will act erratically and violently. This could have been a factor.
     
  5. Data

    Data Guest

    I do have control over my anger. I have never hit a person, EVER even when I'm inches from their face screaming at them. Even with a knife in my pocket, I have never physically threatened another person.

    As for the swearing in front of women, I wasn't raised that way because my mom IS a woman who swears like a sailor. I always hold the door for people no matter if they're male or female because it's the nice thing to do. When others blatantly show that they're no longer deserving of respect though, I no longer give it. I don't really care who it is. I wouldn't scream at a child, because that has happened to me when I was young and I remember it being way more devastating then if someone were to yell at me now. That's where I draw the line I guess. I won't go out of my way for a rude, ungrateful child but I won't yell at them.

    Alzheimer's...perhaps. She shouldn't be driving then. For her to get in the car, hit someone else, try to point a finger, and then be rude about it is just incredible in my mind. Her license then needs to be forcefully taken from her. She is not fit to drive ever again, and she might KILL someone next time.

    I have her on tape offering to try and settle the accident under the table and without filling any police report or insurance report. Since that's either illegal or a breech of contract with regard to the insurance company, I'm going to confront her insurance company with my recording and either get her policy cancelled, or have her claim denied.

    I'm not evil, but I believe people must pay for what they do. Especially since she was so rude and difficult to work with, I feel no remorse giving her insurance that information.
     
  6. Aussie792

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    The best thing to do would have been to be polite and calm (yes, she was in the wrong, but you were wrong to treat her like that; nothing positive could have come from it) and to call the police once she started presenting a danger to herself by driving in her state.

    As for the matter of egalitarianism: it's not that you should be able to treat women badly, it's that you shouldn't treat anyone badly, regardless of gender or sex. Being so pointlessly aggressive as you were is just that; pointless. Yes, you were angry, but it didn't accomplish anything.
     
  7. resu

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    Anger does not have to have physical blows. Some of the worst anger can be by words alone (that whole "sticks and stones" stuff is a lie, IMO). If I was a bystander and heard you say those words, I would think you are really angry and unable to control your outbursts. Even what you write sounds like you want vengeance and to completely destroy her. You might be careful about sending the video if it contains you yelling obscenities. That could limit the impact.
     
  8. Data

    Data Guest

    Funny you should mention the police. I called them 4 times, each time the call failed to connect. Then my mom called them and we were told that unless there were injuries, they wouldn't send out a car. Even when we told the police that she was acting strange and possibly intoxicated they refused to respond to the call.

    Amazing. I hope she didn't hit anyone else on the way home.


    I don't treat anyone badly FIRST. I always treat people in a neutral manner, and then either become friendly or withdrawn or callous depending on how they present themselves. She had been so rough, rude, and uncooperative for the entire 20 minutes, that by that point I had had enough and blew up. I'm not saying treat everyone badly because you can, I'm saying treat everyone the way they deserve to be treated. You know, the golden rule from elementary school. I don't see why I should be polite to someone who has been anything but, just because she is old and has a vagina. That was my mother's reason for not being happy about what I said.

    The boyfriend apologized to me after we had gotten home and I had told him what a massive bitch the woman had been. He sees my point but he still doesn't like escalating or yelling. I don't really see what the deal was, since we already had everything we needed. At that point, we could have drove away but the lady wanted to tell us how much of our fault it was. That's what I'm not seeing. It wasn't like I was ruining a good confrontation. I was just ending a bad confrontation with a bit of a bang, if you will.

    ---------- Post added 16th Dec 2013 at 11:40 PM ----------

    This is interesting.

    Our neighbor is a fire fighter and he's a pretty big burly guy married to a thin, younger woman. He is probably 35 or 40 and she is probably mid 30s. The other day he was yelling at her as they walked out into the front yard, and she was putting the kids into the back seat of the car. As they were yelling at each other, my mother said something about how it was domestic violence and she wanted to call the cops on him. I didn't see anything wrong with it, and frankly I don't even know the people. As long as it's two people yelling at each other, I don't see any harm being done really. Maybe I just have a really thick skin, but I can sit and scream at someone as they scream back and have no issues. As long as no one is throwing punches, it's ok with me. I've been bullied as a kid, and I used to just sit there and let others yell at me. Then I started yelling back and things changed. Now as an adult I just don't get hurt by words alone.

    I don't want to destroy her, I just want her to pay for what she's done. I don't think people really get what they deserve sometimes, and I think other times people are wrongfully punished when they shouldn't be. The guy that almost killed me on my motorcycle, he got away with nothing, not even a slap on the wrist. Me when I rearended a woman who rearended a man who stopped at a green light? I got a totalled car and a hike in insurance premiums. I just want justice dished where it needs to be dished.

    Also, I'm not an angry person 24/7. I don't sit brooding about things and have a toxic personality. I just get really angry in bursts like this when people incite me in some way.
     
  9. Hexagon

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    I'm glad no one was injured. I hope you get all this sorted out. In regards to yelling at her, I don't think its a big deal. Yeah, you got angry. It seems pretty justified to me.
     
  10. AmityRanch

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    I don't see the problem here.
    I agree that your mom's boyfriend was in the wrong.
     
  11. AwesomGaytheist

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    Even though I've grown a filter in the last couple years, I'd've said the same thing.

    I was riding with a friend somewhere, and an old lady who looked like she was twice as old as Betty White who had no business having a driver's license was in the right lane, which dead-ended into a turn lane. She just swerved over into us. I was out of that car in a heartbeat and just screamed at her, "You're supposed to fucking look before you merge! Is that your Alzheimer's or did you just forget how to fucking drive?"

    Another time was when I was standing outside a Wendy's this past summer. The girl had just bought a brand new Camaro and I watched her pull out in front of those hulking GMC conversion vans and get t-boned.

    CAMARO GIRL: "Where the hell did you come from, lady?"
    VAN LADY: "You pulled out in front of me!"
    ME (In a calm, snarky, condescending voice): "Calm down, honey. It's all your fault. If you can't see a huge toaster going down the road, they need to revoke your license. Have fun paying your insurance premium when they jack up your rates, and give your eye doctor a call!"

    I've since found that calling a woman "honey" usually doesn't yield pleasant results.

    ---------- Post added 17th Dec 2013 at 03:32 PM ----------

    I forgot to mention, you let her off easy by calling her a bitch. I can think of quite another word that describes her...
     
    #11 AwesomGaytheist, Dec 17, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2013
  12. AKTodd

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    Hm. I was raised by a very independent woman who raised me to believe that all people are equal without regard to gender. She also very clearly told me that if someone were to hit me, I should hit them back without regard to their gender (although that's only ever come up once). She doesn't curse much and is about the gentlest and nicest person you will ever meet. I don't curse much, although I can give a sailor competition (and be pretty crude, lewd, and rude) if I want to. I can also verbally slice someone to shreds without ever cursing or raising my voice if I want to.

    Saying all this just to give a sense of my background on this sort of thing.

    Regarding your situation, I would say that the woman was out of line. However, I'd also suggest that you've perhaps been traumatized by being in multiple accidents (IIRC one such put you in the hospital) and that that was possibly coloring your response. If you did decide you wanted to take this to court (or take someone to court in future), being able to remain calm under stress can pay off. On a more general note, there are situations (such as work or dealings with police or security) where blowing your top is really not going to work or will have negative consequences you don't want to endure. Under those circumstances, being able to maintain control (even if you are raging inside) and/or being able to channel your anger or think past it to the larger goal can be a good thing.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  13. Data

    Data Guest

    Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the criticism both positive and negative.

    I guess I'm just not as refined as some other people are. I'm ok with that.

    My mother has talked to both her and the other woman's insurance company and the case has already been closed. It was found 100% to be the other woman's fault.

    The other lady tried to tell her insurance company that my mother was driving without her lights on. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Good thing I have the video proof. The lady actually wasn't able to answer my mother's insurance when they asked what day and time the accident occurred at. In my opinion, she was probably under the influence of a benzo or a hypnotic.

    Todd, I am a bit traumatized by all the other accidents. This was number 4, and I'm just glad it was relatively low speed. The motorcycle accident was the most pain I have ever been in in my whole life. It was worse then having ingrown toenails removed (with ineffectual anesthesia due to infection) and it left me with (I hate using the term) PTSD in regards to driving.

    I am working on keeping a level head when working on cars. I get very frustrated easily, but since making a voluntary, conscience effort to take breaks and keep calm I am able to stay pretty level headed for a long time. If it become too much and I want to throw tools, I walk away and come back.

    Thanks again everyone.
     
  14. Satoru

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    The conversation seems to be over, but I'll throw in my opinion anyways.

    I have to say that I am a bit jealous of your ability to treat everybody the same. I was raised primarily by a mom who stressed not ever hitting a girl back and I was the one who got in trouble the most because I was the boy. Nowadays, I try to treat everyone equally, but my upbringing is hard to move past from.

    As far as the yelling and getting angry, I would have to agree that doing that won't make the situation any better than it already is and to outsiders, seeing a person who suddenly gets angry leave an impression that he/she is hotblooded and may not sympathize as much. Personally, I have trouble dealing with people who get angry or show anger around me so I try to adopt a more passive approach to dealing with people.

    I will say that you have a right to be angry definitely, but try not to make it escalate the situation more than necessary.