Since 2011 I was with a girl until I moved to go to University and we both split up. Now, I have known I have been gay (or Bi, I suppose) since forever. I wanted to try and get into better shape, concentrate on Uni and get to know some gay guys and see how it went from there, but I felt so alone and have now begun a relationship with my best friend of 7 years (who is a girl). I just try to find any excuse to put sex on hold. We have had sex three times and I just don't want it to happen again. I like the whole idea of being in a relationship with her, I do genuinely care for her, she has been my best friend for 7 years and I just think I have made a huge mistake by getting into a relationship with her. I know I prefer guys to girls and I just have got myself into such a mess. She has apparently liked me for years and she says she has really strong feelings for me now. I don't want to hurt her, but at the same time, staying with her is only hurting me.
Oh yes! Sorry! I forgot to say in the original post! I have told her I'm Bi and she said "It doesn't bother me, that only means you might just like a guy and end it, as well as a girl" or something along those lines. If I felt any sexual feelings towards her, I wouldn't be so worried about this. But, I don't. We could be doing things before going to have sex and I wont get hard, or I will and it will go away. I have spoken to her about all this and said that it's hard going from her being my best friend to my girlfriend and said we were taking it too fast. I'm her first ever boyfriend, the first person she has ever had sex with and I completely regret this!
Now, I've never been in a relationship so I guess I'm not much help, but there's no point in staying in a relationship that you don't want. My two cents is to break it off and she'll get over it. I mean, she has to, because right now it's the same as if you were liking a straight guy IMO; doesn't look like it's going to happen.
Not only is it hurting you, it is hurting her as well. Keep in mind that if she's had eyes for you for ages, and now she's with you... she naturally assumes you feel the same way toward her that she feels toward you. One of Brené Brown's mantras of living wholeheartedly and authentically is "Choose discomfort over resentment" and in this case, that means... telling her, even though it's uncomfortable, to avoid feeling resentful about being stuck in the relationship. And, of course, also to avoid hurting her further.
If you are more attracted to guys you need to break it off now, I hurt two lovely ladies by denying my attraction to men. It will only be more difficult later on.
Sorry in advance, this will be a long post! I totally understand this spot that you are in, I am in a very similar spot to some degree. I love and hate your thread so much! I would consider myself at least 90% gay, but somehow a girl slipped into my life. I don't know that I'm sexually attracted to her, but I am romantically attracted to her. We have done a LOT of thinking about whether we are going to try a relationship after about 6 years of being best friends. She also knows that I'm not straight and may still really want to try anyway. I think that you should think about the following things: 1) Sexual Orientation is, in some ways really deceptive. If you are 99% gay, there is still that 1% that you could spend your life with. (I'm assuming you're into committed relationships.) So though you may identify as gay, bi, or whatever, you fall for who you fall for. 2) Having said that, there is no point in leading someone on. To stay in a relationship and keep building towards deeper commitment even though you know you don't want to be in the relationship anymore is leading her on. It doesn't matter her gender or your orientation if you know you don't want to be with her, you need to end it. It will be awkward and it will be painful for both of you. 3) Ultimately, IMO, there are two ways that this relationship can go. You can stay with her FOREVER, or you can break up. If you know which one you want, then you need to let her know. If you don't know, that's a whole other story and I say happy dating and figuring it out. It sounds like you know what you want and don't want to hurt her. I would say wait until the Holidays are over, then have a conversation with her about why you don't feel like what you are doing is working for you. In my breakups with people, I have learned a few things that may be helpful to you. Don't use a breakup as an excuse to stop loving her as a friend. It will be as nasty as you make it. She may retaliate in some way because she will feel hurt when you break up, and how you handle that retaliation will determine if you will be able to be friends with her later on or not. Don't give her any reasons for breaking up that are more than she is not the right person for you. If you tell her that she is too whatever or not whatever enough, she may feel insecure about who she is, and the next guy might be looking for the qualities that you told her to turn down. Just because she isn't right for you doesn't mean she should change. Let her ask questions. Don't let the whole thing turn into a big shouting match or anything like that. She will have questions that, if you love her you should answer with compassion to the best of your ability. But also, know that you can say, "I don't want to answer that question." and that is a valid answer. Keep her secrets. Just because you broke up with her doesn't mean either of you have the right to betray the secrets that you shared with each other. Basically everything I'm saying boils down to: Be a decent human being in a conversation that you need to realize is going to break her heart. Breakups cannot be won or lost, they are conversations about why you feel you can't go forward with the relationship. I believe in you. You are going to do the right thing whatever that is for you right now. Again sorry for the long post. I wish you the best.
Staying in a relationship with this girl that you don't necessarily want will hurt her. Sooner or later how you feel is going to come out, and the least you can do is be up front and honest with her. It'll hurt her less that if she finds out on her own. Plus, you know, your feelings of frustration with the relationship will probably amplify the longer you're in it.
