Warning - a pretty long read. Just a quick note also: I apologize beforehand if I am offending any trans members somehow. This is just something that I know had crossed my mind once, although I don't know what specifically triggered it. What I mean here isn't necessarily about what would be considered a genuine feeling(as in the, please correct me if I'm wrong, constant lingering feeling of true trans people) but pretty similar to the denial state that many gays/lesbians have gone through where they try everything they can to convince themselves that they are straight(maybe even bi in some cases if they know they can't shake their same sex feelings). I can't remember what really triggered this feeling at the time(late middle school/early high schoolish) but I know that I haven't ever had a genuine interest in girls(what I liked was the attention I had gotten by the plenty that threw themselves at me/liked me). At the time, maybe was when I first started to get a more obvious hint of my attraction to guys. What I mean is that I feel that I was subconciously suppressing any and all 'gay' thoughts leaving me to be pretty oblivious to it, but I still had a weird feeling of being different to other guys. Some of those feelings of attraction had to have slipped at some point because I obviously didn't like them. I think I had heard at least one time someone mentioning trans and I learned it meant feeling you were the opposite gender. Probably in an attempt to 'feel normal'(as in liking what I'm guessing was the right gender), I started questioning myself a little and also asked a female relative about how she liked being one and stuff. Some of my feelings there were based off of maybe stereotypical things, but I didn't care. I've always clicked better with girls(as friends, even if I'm not really all that fem), I had to have felt some attraction to guys even if I actively brushed it off, I even got to the point where I hated looking at my male anatomy. I can't remember when those feelings subsided but it wasn't too long and I knew something like that would cost a pretty penny to accomplish anyway so I just treated it as something I'd probably never get done. I just went with the flow again and became oblivious to my attractions once again and now I am able to say that I feel right as male(even if I still feel weird about my body sometimes, lol). I still am eh ever since it finally hit me in the face hard about being gay within the past couple of years, but I hope to get over that in due time. I have a few things that I feel contributed to my dislike of it and feeling different, but feel enough has been said in this lengthy post; maybe I'll address them later, ha. Has this happened to anyone else on any kind of level though?
I've known of gay men and lesbians who later went on to come out as transmen and women, definitely not unheard of in certain subsets, ie drag queens and butch lesbians, but far from limited to them. Though, feeling different from most guys or connecting better with members of the opposite sex are also common traits shared by gay men, and there are far more gender-variant cis people than there are transgender (transsexual more so). A better indicator might be how you react towards being perceived and living as a member of the opposite sex. I know others who are neutral or uncomfortable with certain body parts, but that alone doesn't mean anything. In my case, anyway, it was so many seemingly unrelated things, that listing them all would be too taxing, and might not even make sense in the end. I guess it's sort of like knowing all along at some level, then everything just coming together at some point? If you start feeling misunderstood and uncomfortable around men in general, the roles associated with them, or dissatisfaction with your anatomy, combined with feeling you seriously "belong" to the other side, you just might be.
I've always felt comfortable as a male. Even though I am a male who is attracted to other males and would like a romantic relationship with one, I never felt like a female personally or that I would rather be with a female with a man. When I was younger, I would be confused with my mother on the telephone and hated it. As I grew older, my voice became more like my dad and I felt comfortable since I feel good as a male and being recognized as a one. In fact, I've never been ma'am'd on the telephone or drive-thru and I am pretty happy with that. I am actually afraid that one day I might be trans. It's not that I feel I am one but I just feel that that is not me because I feel comfortable with me being male and I guess I was conditioned to believe that a lot of gay people were trans folks. I know no that is not true but I would consider it a nightmare if I was actually trans because it would mean my comfort with being male was fake. That said, I'm pretty sure my sex and gender are congruent. Actually, when I was about five years old, I tried on my mom's high heels. I walked around with them for a few feet because I was curious about them but then for a while I just felt weirded out about them because I didn't feel that they were for me. Now, when I feel attracted to a guy, I feel at ease so I feel that my sex, gender and sexual orientation are fixed as male, man, and gay, respectively. But to answer your question, I have thought if I was trans and come to the resounding conclusion that I'm not.
As a child I was very confused about gender and sexuality. Not confused as to say I was confounded by my preference for boys, but rather my being a boy and liking boys. Sure, I had no doubt met gay people before having grown up in such a metropolitan area as I did. Clouded by innocence I was simply just unaware, even of my uncle being gay. I thought only girls liked boys. So in keeping with this childlike naïveté, I was fully prepared to become a girl. I don't know that I so much identified as a girl, but I certainly didn't hesitate at the thought of switching genders. My mother had explained puberty to me. I knew what made me a boy and what made my sisters girls. But I, even in my head, saw myself as a girl too. I imagined meeting a boy, getting married, being a mommy, and so on. If asked (at least as I recall) I would still answer with being a boy, but then explain how I was basically going to grow up into a woman. All of this was between age 5-10 too, mind you. With puberty came the assurance that I didn't mind being male. However I'm not overly attached to my current male-status. I don't think I'd care either way what my physical gender was. So I consider myself a gay man who pondered being trans as a child. That's not to say that my glancing at the map of the long road true trans-folk face and walk each day is even remotely comparable, but merely how it's easiest explained. Frankly I've often wondered this myself, but never asked anyone else.
@gravechild I did say a few questionable things when I was younger, but I just mark it up as saying stupid kid stuff. Your post though now just has me thinking though, especially the last part. I have felt always felt a little more uneasy around guys, but I don't know why that is. Whenever I'm around girl cousins, friends, w/e, I do have a slight feeling like being one of them but I don't recall it really being crazy strong. This sense of belonging is even around people I've known forever, like family; I feel more at ease around female relatives. That anatomy bit has been on my mind for some time though, even if I can't pinpoint exactly why. It's not really a self conscious thing so much as looking at my 'lower half' kind of disgusts me. That I don't get, even though I can tell you that I'm satisfied being male in general. @AlamoCity Due to my general comfort now as male,I'm starting to have that weird feeling you described in your post with these responses making me think. @Black Cat The shock at liking boys is pretty much a bigger part of it, but not all, just bigger. I can relate to understanding about how it was girls that liked boys though. It didn't help that, until middle(later)/high school, I don't remember too many gays or if anyone displayed much to do with stereotypes. I do remember it being thrown around in a bad light, but not really if it was directed at anybody, at least not atm. The only two I specifically remember during this time pretty much had bad reps. One was a guy about my age who was more just annoying as hell with his siblings, but people did say plenty of things behind his back in regards to him being kind of a flamer. The second is this older guy who I don't personally remember getting in any trouble(who knows) but I didn't have any problems with him. He was pretty much known as the neighborhood pervert/pedophile though, and look...he also happens to be gay. >_> So...if any of those feelings did slip, the possible fear of not wanting to be thought of like these guys was enough to throw my feelings back inside.
You don't decide to be trans, assuming it is defined as having gender dysphoria and a desire to be/feeling of being a gender other than your assigned one. You're born with it, or not. But some people who live as lesbian may decide to come out as heterosexual trans men and vice versa. But they don't suddenly decide to become trans.
I've thought about it, hell, I'm still thinking about it. However I know that I would never pass, so it's more a thought than a reality.
@Hexagon I wasn't saying that it's something you decide. I'm asking about if anyone had any remembrace of possibly being in denial about their orientation to the point where they might've (tried to) convince themselves, like those who try to be straight. The orientation feelings are one thing, but I have said/felt some questionable things, I just never gave much thought to it until I started learning more about the lgbt community. What I mean is that, over time, I grew comfortable as a guy in general, there are just ways I feel disconnected with it, so it's something I ponder from time to time why that is. Didn't intend any offense. @Nodepony It's been more of a thought to me, too, than anything. My mind is kind of all over the place, haha.
Around most (presumably) straight guys? It's only normal, if you're a part of a sexual minority and have a hard time relating to them, feel you're on a different wavelength. So many things in our culture are tied to sexuality, so if you're aware on some level that you aren't like the majority, that's going to What a lot of transsexuals describe when around other members of their gender ranges from envy, to exclusion, to frustration, at least while they're still presenting as their assigned sex. This even stops a few from forming strong relationships or relating to others in a sexual way. Try to keep in mind that there are many grey areas outside of the binary, and even between "cisgender" and "transsexual". I've experienced dysphoria, isolation, and misunderstanding from others, but feel more comfortable with terms like "androgyne" and "bigender". I've also done a bit of research on transsexualism, contemplated hormone and surgery (briefly), and discussed these concerns with others going through the same. In the end, I decided I was fine with my body, but not how society expected me to behave, think, and look.
It's more guys in general but it's nothing that I can say would count as me feeling really out of place; just this lingering discomfort/awkwardness. It goes down (quite) a bit once I like become friends or just have known them a while, but it's just there, always has been. Probably is something else unrelated however.
