I'm a bit embarrassed because it's so personal and although it felt great to write it, now it seems corny and stupid. the point (heh) was to use as little punctuation as possible so that you could interpret sentences in multiple ways. I didn't and I don't care about rhyming, meter or syllables. I'm looking for an alternative word for 'chimes' in:" o! my love for you chimes", 'peals'? anyway please tell me what you think, love is a topic that's been done to death but I felt like i just had to do this after my diary entry became really poetic. wind chimes the most beautiful sound in the world I heard its lullaby as I walked away from you its melody soothed me as I ponder'd the ache of not seeing not hearing you again for a day and night o! my love for you chimes softly as pipes in the wind the trees whose furious whispers ooze t'wards my eardrums in slowfox I wish to waltz with you to the beat of the rain cries of metal ring the rhythm when a lonely spruce sings the ballad of a thousand needles a tear joins its sweeter brothers falls/fall's on our brass meadow now silence has its concerto, our shared breath's a lip's breadth away you are when I awake once more holding on to you with open arms ---------- Post added 28th Dec 2013 at 08:18 AM ---------- I'm blaming this post on rum and coke, it lowered my inhibitions
:eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap I really love "I wish to waltz with you to the beat of the rain" Romatic, but not cheesy.
It has great potential! I tend to steer away from adjectives, they constrain the reader somewhat to your interpretation, taking these away gives even more power to the reader to evoke their own memory of what you are guiding them to: Your first stanza: wind chimes the most beautiful sound in the world I heard its lullaby as I walked away from you Can become something like this: Wind chimes sounding Their sweetest lullaby As I walked away from you. "sweetest" could be construed as an adjective, but it evokes a sensation: taste, that most people would recognize, it is also understood that you were there to hear them, as you walked away. The verb "sounding" (to probe a depth) also has a double-meaning, this also enriches your poem.
Thank you very much for the constructive input! I hadn't thought of writing poems in that way. I think of poems as drawing with words, and I wanted to paint a specific picture – I am a painter at heart after all. The poem is based on me actually walking home after a night out, going opposite ways with the person in the poem, and stopping to listen to a wind chime on a balcony and the swooshing sound of trees. I'll heed your words though – next time I write I'll try to make it more evoking, and I think I'll change some of the pronouns from its to their. Thanks again!
