Why Stay in the Closet in a Tolerant Society?

People are more tolerant, with the emphasis on more. There's still much they may not understand ("So are you the girl in the relationship?" "When did you choose to be gay?" "Why do gay people have to have pride parades and shove it down our throats?"). Society has a mixed view on LGBT+ people. Stereotypes are abound in media, but thankfully they're sometimes being averted these days. It's a big step that many straight and cisgender people do not have to go through with... and the start of it can incite a questioning of oneself in one's entirety. It's just something that can bring about a lot of turmoil, even if you live in a great environment. I can say that it was that way for me... and I did have safe places to speak, thankfully. It certainly made quite a notable difference in helping me come to terms with my sexuality and more.

 

I see sexuality as a personal thing. So even in a tolerant society I will keep it to myself meh.

 

I live in a relatively liberal city in a relatively red state, but I think personal factors can play a role. You can be in a liberal area born to conservative parents, and vice versa.

Religiosity probably played a role for me to not come out because, while I feared for the hatred of my parents, I also feared opprobrium from God.

I also suppose that even in liberal havens, many people aren't taught that homosexuality is a normal variant of human sexuality (then again, I'm from Texas) and that can lead to self-hatred that can make people less willing to come out from the closet.

I went to school with relatively gifted people and so there wasn't the bullying mentality that was prevalent in the "normal" classrooms so I never felt unsafe, even if I wasn't out. In fact, several people in the program of 30 were bi or gay.

To be honest, I feel that at this point, I'm more prone to receive discrimination, if any, for being Hispanic than for being gay because I don't carry myself in a way that people would realize that I'm gay by just seeing me in public. I've never been in a position where I feared for anything for being gay, and that's traveling all over Texas and "The South." But I never did anything like carry rainbow bracelets or go to gay bars or clubs that would mark me as "homosexual."

 

I live in a relatively conservative area of NYC, so this doesn't really even apply to me ....but "tolerant" is totally a relative term. It just means things aren't as bad in a certain place as they are in other places. It doesn't mean 100% of the people in an area are accepting of queers...we're hated everywhere. A few months ago there was a hate crime-murder in a very 'gay' area of NYC in the Village. There are plenty of homophobes and haters in NYC and San Francisco, same goes for Netherlands or Scandinavia. They may be a minority, but they're a sizable enough minority to create a climate of fear and hostility for LGBTQ folk. All it takes is one homophobic idiot in the midst of an uber-tolerant liberal accepting area to decide to go look for some fags to beat up. In fact they might deliberately go to these kinds of areas knowing they will find easy prey who have their guard down because of the general atmosphere of acceptance.

 

Yeah, this.

For example, the Dutch society may seem tolerant, but that's only on the surface. Once you start to dig deeper there are quite few of people who disagree with the whole LGBT thing. Still a minority, but their hatred is big. To the point where a guy I know got seriously beaten up a while back (in a large liberal city) for being gay.

There's that, and of course there's personal issues and wanting to know more and learn stuff. Which is the main reason why I joined

 

Even in some liberal places like NYC (Where registered democrats outnumber republicans 7 to 1), there are still outbreaks of hate crimes directed at LGBT people. Also, not all liberal people are supportive of LGBT rights (which would seem like an oxymoron but it isn't).

There's also the heteronormative society to blame, the false idea that everyone is straight until they choose to think otherwise can be very stigmatizing to LGBT people.

 

I live in a very tolerant area, but just because people are accepting doesn't mean they are educated, and I also used to operate inside the church bubble (which, as you might expect, is much more conservative). This meant I got my does of being closeted even though perhaps there wasn't any need for it.

 

You can live in a liberal area but have a conservative family environment. That's why I've been in the closet for so long.

 

I don't know exactly where my area falls. But the city Battle Creek is pretty well spread out. The main reason I'm closeted is because there really is no need for me to come out. I have a "boyfriend" (MtF trans*) and I'm "his" "girlfriend", so we look like the average hetro couple. And when we do plan to go out together cross dressed the goal is to not look like we're trans* but again like a hetro couple only correct genders.

 

Like others have said, even the most accepting and liberal of environments will have their share of ignorant and bigoted residents; I run into them on a daily basis online. That, and everyone has a different level of comfort when it comes to being open about their gender/sexuality.

 

While I don't live in an area where thugs abound, the general policy even in a tolerant area should still be "trust but protect yourself". Don't be "easy prey" anywhere. Travel with friends, if possible, but if not, remember that old May West line, "Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" Sometimes the best answer is "both".

 

Norway is supposedly a tolerant and progressive country, yet we elected parties that work against LGBT rights this election, and even if Høyre (the capitalist/conservative party that our prime minister is a part of) has traditionally been gay friendly compared to the other 3 in power, they are still planing on going to the Russian Olympics and supporting that.

LGBT slurs are extremely common here to the point where I wonder if they know what it even means, but even if they don't realize the impact of their words it makes one feel really unsafe.

 

I can agree with this. I don't need to tell everyone everything sexual I am into.

 

No matter how tolerant people are, sharing your sexuality is a very personal thing. That is often very scary. This doesn't just apply to people's sexuality or gender identity, this applies to all sorts of things. And even if people are accepting, they may throw out a homophobic slur, which happens to me all the time in World of Warcraft. People often forget that they are saying hurtful things, and that makes coming out difficult.

 

In my case because I'm not ready yet and also I'm still afraid of some consequence like being made fun of or bullied at school.

 

Family dynamics seem to be more of a deciding factor when someone is thinking about leaving the closet. A more liberal society can offer a person more support but they have to feel ready to come out.

 

Well, I guess one thing is wanting to fit in. If your friends are always talking about girls and you want to talk about boys (or the reverse if you’re a girl), you might feel like an outsider. You may also fear that, even if they accept you, they’ll see/treat you differently. Also, some people may want a family or whatever, and not be that informed on the matter, e.g. think it’s a phase they’ll get over, think it’s impossible to have kids if they’re gay, etc.

If your attractions aren’t limited to a single sex, which is how it is for me, then it can also be really confusing until you figure it out. Once you do, it’s tempting to just ignore the same-sex attractions and focus on the others. That’s probably the biggest reason I don’t tell a lot of people. There’s just no need to do it.

If I enter into a relationship with a guy (and there is a guy I want to go there with), then I’ll be open about it if (and only if) he wants it, and probably do something like wear a rainbow bracelet to keep girls away. It depends on him, though, i.e. how he’d feel about it. If I were with a guy, I’d also prefer to identify as gay, not bi, because as long as we stayed together, I’d be gay in practice, even if theoretically I can be attracted to the opposite sex too. So, for me, it’s all driven by whether I get into a relationship with a guy, and if I do, how open he wants to be about it.

If I’m not in a relationship or doing anything sexual with a guy (I never have done either), or specifically looking for relationship with a guy (which I wasn’t doing when I met this one guy I like), then it just seems like there’s no reason to tell people I happen to like guys. If I were famous or something, I’d want to come out as bi, to set an example against homophobia and biphobia, but I’m just an ordinary guy. Why should anyone else care?

 

I agree. It's relative. I think that, on a neighborhood level and in an urban area, it's probably easier to be out, but it's still never 100% easy breezy.

Family issues are person specific. Many can tell their families to go fuck themselves and still move on, although the bitter taste in one's mouth will remain. Having lived in very blue places, I know very few people who have seen family rejection associated with their families. Very few. And I'm not a kid.

The thing is the work place. It's a wild card, even in tolerant cities, areas, and societies. It all depends on who is in the pyramid ahead of you. In key roles on Wall Street, I hardly doubt being out would be a feather in one's cap. See "American Psycho?" Yeah, it's not very realistic and even very sick, but with that Machiavellianism, womanizing was also sort of implied.

In the end, I think there are less social issues with being out, but career issues still remain in certain sectors or organizations.

 

I can only talk about myself growing up in the UK.

I took 13 years to come out and the UK is a tolerant society. Why I took so long to come out?

I didn't want to be gay, I honestly used to resent the fact that I came out this way, at 13 when I realised that I liked other guys (I had a wet dream about some guy in my year) I cried my eyes out, hoped that it was just a phase and if I ignored the feeling they would die off. Every time I got hot at a guy I had to er punish myself. Being gay was something that I didn't want to be (not the society) so I refused to accept it for most of my teen years.

When I lost my virginity on a drunken moment to a guy I then started to actively change my sexuality, I become religious and hoped that "god" would straighten me out. Or maybe try celibacy which worked for a few years until I broke down.

It was only post breakdown, covered in cuts (self inflicted) that I came out, my Mum had figured it out (kid, never had a girlfriend at 23, never went out or anything) and she already knew they accept me but it still doesn't mean that I am happy being gay, society is fine but still I just wanted to be in the majority for once