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Just when I thought I was getting there...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Siarad, Jan 5, 2014.

  1. Siarad

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    Physically - England, Mentally - Wales.
    So just when I thought I was getting there with Coming Out, my parents (who always give the impression of being very Liberal) have a discussion at lunch about my cousin and my Dad asked if he [my cousin] is gay (he isn't as far as I know) and my Mum explained that he isn't but has issues with relationships because of a difficult past. Dad then said how odd it is that out of my grandparents 8 grandchildren none of them are 'a gay' (as I said, my parents are supposedly Liberal so that wording really hurt and Mum said, "Yes, it is odd isn't it, out 8 grandchildren you might expect one to be gay but none of them are so far as I know". I just resolutely looked out of the window and didn't comment. Dad then said that he was relieved that he hadn't had a gay child because he wouldn't know what to say to them and Mum said "Yes, I don't think anyone could really wish for their child to be gay because it's such a hard life." I said that I didn't think it would be that way for much longer and that life for gay people is very difficult to the way it used to be. Mum said "Yes but people would get beaten up in town for being gay". Then, mercifully the conversation moved on to it being dangerous anyway for young men and Mum started talking about how her first husband had been beaten up a number of times after he had walked her home.

    Now I feel like all the positivity I had developed about having made more steps towards coming out in 2013 than I ever had before in my life and about how accepting my friends I've told have been has all been completely deflated by that conversation. Not only do I feel guilty and embarrassed about missing the opportunity to come out to them (although given the context it would probably not have been a good idea and I did not want to come out in a pub) but I also feel like I can never tell them in a positive way about being gay when they have made it so clear they don't want gay children. Also, my Mum has a tendency to feel massively guilty about things anyway and she will definitely go overkill with guilty feelings if I ever do tell her I'm gay, knowing what she has said about having gay children.
     
  2. Hexagon

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    That's horrible to hear, I'm sorry. Honestly, though, I think they'll both have massive guilt attacks about saying that in front of you, and then they'll come to terms with it. From what you've described, your dad sounds like the ignorant well meaning type, who can't imagine having a gay daughter, but won't really object to it in the long term, and your mother will feel guilty about saying that, and she'll worry more about you. But they won't hate you.

    I know how difficult it is saying things that make a person feel guilty. I'm a total wimp about it myself. But why don't you think for a moment. In ten years time, assuming you've told her and they're fine with your sexuality, you ask your mother if she is glad you told her you're gay. Yes, she felt guilty. But she got over it, and she got the chance to see her daughter for who she really is. Maybe she got to meet your hypothetical wife/gf, be a part of your life in a way she never could have been if you hadn't told her. I kind of doubt that future her would want you to take that away from her. Maybe I'm making false assumtions here, and if I am, I'm sorry, but that's my take on the matter.