1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

"I don't agree with coming out."

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by indecisionmaking, Jan 5, 2014.

  1. So my friend said something to me a few months ago, and I've been thinking about it a lot. She said to me, "I don't agree with coming out."
    I didn't understand what she meant, so I answered, "What, you think people should just pretend that they're straight when they're not?!"
    Then she explained.
    "No." She said. "I mean that people shouldn't need to have this big moment when they tell people. People don't go up to their parents and say, 'Hey mum. I have to tell you something. I'm straight.'
    I mean, people should just be able to go home and be like, 'Do you mind if I bring home my girlfriend?' Or 'Can I bring home my boyfriend?'"


    I just wondered what your thoughts were.
     
  2. Simple Thoughts

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    3,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Columbus, Ohio
    That would be a world I'd love to live in. Unfortunately there is a stigma around being gay that kind of forces it to be a moment.
     
  3. Mariall

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2012
    Messages:
    104
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    It would be great if it were that simple, it should be, but our society makes such a big deal about it which I think makes it harder for it to be that casual. (long run-on sentence there, sorry)
     
  4. RuggerP

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2014
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I feel the same way. I don't think the stress behind coming out is worth it, and the many awkward conversations. I think it coming up in casual conversation is the best way to "come out." Unfortunately this also leaves a lot of people assuming you are straight...
     
  5. stocking

    stocking Guest

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2013
    Messages:
    7,542
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I agree i wish i lived in a world where it wouldn't be a big deal to come out >.<
    the one thing i can't stand about coming out is you gotta tell your whole family and some friends and worst of all they ask you how you have sex when they already know how some of it works . Why the hell do i need to tell them how i have sex I don't go up to them and ask them how they have straight sex and why would they want to know what i do in the bedroom it's my business what my girlfriend and i do in the sheets . People seriously
    this whole thing makes me not wanna come out and just let people think i'm straight .:tantrum:
     
  6. Darren18

    Darren18 Guest

    that was pretty interesting, your friend might be the sort of girl i like :3
     
  7. fortheloveoflez

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Messages:
    478
    Likes Received:
    2
    Hun, if we were not a minority and were seen in the same light then that would happen. If our parents didn't already "assign" us to heterosexuality (and cis-gendered)then we wouldn't have to come out. Ever. Or maybe every one would have to come out...but it would be considered normal then. Unfortunately, we do not live in such a world and I don't see that world happening either ever or in the next 100 years. Ya, there are all these straight people who think they're modern...but at the end of the day they all lack the understanding of what it's like to be lgbt and probably wouldn't be so happy if their kids were lgbt. These lgbt struggles only we get to understand on a fundamental level.

    That's the bottom line.
    Although in the straight persons' mind they might appear to seem supportive....in my mind, this is just reminding me about idealistic and non-realistic situations. It's like they can sit there and ponder about gay people over tea, but we are here living the experience. That to me seems isolating.

    Ya. It would be awesome if lgbt people were put in the same light but we aren't there yet so I don't think that suggestion was realistic to be honest.
     
  8. leer

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2012
    Messages:
    1,785
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    grt Manchester
    if only things were so simple Id love to live in a world without fear&hate
     
  9. Ibz

    Ibz
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2013
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    In theory, I agree with your friend. I was really mad for a long time that I had to come out at all because it just seemed so *dumb* to me that it should have been such a big deal. I was upset that for some reason I was supposed to feel more nervous about telling my friends or family that I was in love with a girl than that I was changing my major or something. I am still kind of mad about that. But I've accepted that it's something I have to do.

    Even though I know they mean it 100% in a nice, supportive way, I sometimes feel a little frustrated with my straight friends when they say I shouldn't have to come out. It almost feels as if they are ignoring how hard the whole process has been, even though they don't mean to. My girlfriend's usually response to that is "well, let me know when the world is actually like that, and then I'll stop coming out." I may adopt that.
     
  10. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,968
    Likes Received:
    395
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    While I understand the reasoning, I think the main reason for coming out is that society expects you to be straight (and identify with your gender) and no one can tell your sexuality just from appearance. Straight people in particular often have really bad gaydar. So, coming out is a way to deliberately clear up any misconceptions. Even most out people don't go around telling their sexuality to random strangers.
     
  11. gibson234

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
    1,135
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    UK,Wales
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    People expect people to be straight hence to adjust people's expectations you have to say that your gay but it should be a casual thing. And I don't understand parents who "have to come to terms with it". It just means their partner is going to be of the same sex (big deal), I don't understand why parents would care what genitals they have. And I don't buy the "it takes gay people time to get over their orientation, hence parents will take time to get over their child being gay" but it isn't homophobia that causes most LGBT people (in this part of the world) to take time to accept their orientation it's the knowing whether their gay (searching thoughts and feels so on).
     
  12. anonomous

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2013
    Messages:
    114
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    my thoughts exactly and i think that those thoughts will be reality oneday. no, corecion: i know that this will be the reality oneday (unless humans destroy the earth and wipe out all the human race first. which is also a possibility) i do have an explination wh but it would take me so long to type it.
     
  13. Seagypsy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2012
    Messages:
    341
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    London UK
    I don't really agree with coming out either, there shouldn't have to be a big moment, I certainly wouldn't tell my parents but why should I? The girls I fall for know I like them (and so far they've all liked me!) So why does anyone else need to know??

    I often say I don't think I will ever get married, but I do like some guys so it;s not impossible... my parents would like to see married but they wouldn't force me; I could just remain "single" forever and see my special friends without my family finding out... :icon_wink
     
  14. Hexagon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2011
    Messages:
    8,558
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Earth
    I completely agree. It's a consequence of heteronormativity that we have to come out, even to perfectly accepting parents and friends. I think people should make an effort not to pass this on to their children.
     
  15. Goodnyte

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2013
    Messages:
    151
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    I totally agree. I actually wrote a mini rant about it on another site I'm on. However, because society assumes that everyone is straight until it is otherwise mentioned, so there has to be a big moment where you come out, announcing you fall out of that assumption.
     
  16. Rainbow Girl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2013
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    0
    I don't really like when people say things like that because it minimizes the stigma. For a lot of us it literally can't be that simple.
     
  17. jp36

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2013
    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Near Brighton, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I used to agree with the 'in a perfectly equal society we wouldn't have to come out' line, but unfortunately I don't think even that is true.

    They say that 1 in 10 people is gay, including all those who suppress it or never reveal it. So even in a perfectly equal society, gay people will be significantly in the minority and therefore it will probably always be assumed that each person is straight until they come out.

    Of course, in that hypothetical future, coming out would be so de-stigmatised that it would only be the same as a kid realising that he/she wants to be a doctor, or that the/she is good at maths, or something as unremarkable as that.
     
  18. girlonfire

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2013
    Messages:
    163
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    I agree in a way. I disagree because as jp36 said, only about 10% of the population is gay, although that might be more. And, of course, the whole evolution-procreation-natural-selection-thing, which prevents (assuming, for this case, that homosexuality and other things within that category is a genetic/epigenetic phenomenon) homosexuality from being a large part of the population because, of course, there is no procreation among members of the same sex. So, naturally, everyone is assumed to be a heterosexual, procreating human being. And with that comes the part of revealing you are not quite part of the societal norm.

    On the other hand, however, if we were to someday achieve complete equality among all people it would be as simple as telling someone "I have green eyes" -- you don't. You let observant people figure it out and if you want to limit your search of the gene pool to a more suitable (aka gay) companion, you use dating sites just like "blackpeoplemeet.com," "christianmingle.com," "jdate.com," and the like.

    But, of course, total equality never will be reached so I am going to go ahead and make the claim that people like us of the next generation will also have to go through the nerve-wracking, stomach-twisting, teeth-chattering, knee-buckling experience we call "coming out of the hypothetical homosexual closet."

    But of course for some of you lucky bastards that closet is filled with a dance floor, bar, other homosexuals, and an all around good time, whereas people like myself's (excuse the grammar, I know) closets were pitch black, dank, possibly with sewage being pumped in from the nearby bioreactor landfill.

    :grin:
     
  19. fortheloveoflez

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Messages:
    478
    Likes Received:
    2
    This is a common misconception. Typically, regardless of how some one identifies, they are not sterile. The equipment will still work the only difference is that a homosexual person would have a lesser chance of having unexpected procreation. A homosexual person will likely not go to the opposite gender to fulfill their romantic needs and instead allocate that to the same gender; which at least in humans and most species that I can think of to this day does not lead to procreation. When a lesbian for example decides that it's time to have a child all she has to do is get in contact with sperm via intercourse with a man or indirect contact. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ATTRACTED OR LIKE HIM TO GET PREGNANT. That is key. So for humans, who typically have two children on average in Westernized countries, that means at minimum their needs to be one opposite sex (or opposite gamete) interaction for a child or twins or triplets for that matter to be made. In other words, for homosexual people procreation would be much more controlled and would likely not come about "by accident" and be planned instead.

    Now what about all the people in the middle of the spectrum? Well, it doesn't matter how many times they get attracted to the same gender for example all it matters is the few times they get in contact with the opposite gender for procreation.

    Many animals have reserved individuals in society that do not reproduce. In wolf packs for example only the alpha male and alpha female have children the rest of the pack fends off for the offspring and the pack. Which brings me to my next point, society typically has a constant stable population of individuals who do not reproduce. This group is very important even though they are shunned by Judeo-Christian teachings. Why? BECAUSE THEY PRESERVE A POPULATION FROM OVERPOPULATION (HENCE EXTINCTION) AND SERVE AS A SURPLUS OF HELPING HANDS FOR THE YOUNGER GENERATIONS.

    This is why I think the heterosexual Darwinist argument has many flaws. Why can't people be bisexual? How about gay-leaning bisexuals? Why not homosexuals who "mate" with the "opposite" gender (when they decide they are ready "to have a baby") only for reproduction NOT for pleasure/attraction/companionship reasons? How about a mix of all the colors of the rainbow? It appears to me that humans at least have developed this mix of individuals who range any where on the spectrum...and that's how we do it I guess.

    As for other species...some are hermaphrodites...some change their sex when the last male passes (some Californian fish), some reproduce asexually (bacteria), bonobos are overwhelmingly bisexual-acting...some have only the queen bee reproducing etc.

    I'm just pointing this out because there is an apparent and obvious bias towards heterosexuality in teachings...even though I just clearly pointed out that the world is actually a lot more than just heterosexual....there's nothing that dictates pure heterosexuality for ALL species
     
    #19 fortheloveoflez, Jan 5, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2014
  20. SheWhoHasNoName

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2012
    Messages:
    163
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Antonio, Texas
    I think I have to agree. I try to be as casual about my sexuality with friends and peers. But with parents, relatives, and people who would judge you harshly, it's pretty hard. I think it will be better in the future because I am hard-pressed to find people my age that are so totally against homosexuality and the lgbt community.