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Delayed reaction leading to an argument or a blowout ... is it dysfunctional?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Tightrope, Jan 10, 2014.

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  1. Tightrope

    Tightrope
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    Have you had this or something similar happen?

    You have a friend or acquaintance who is basically ok but, over a period of time and cumulatively, they, or someone in their family such as a spouse, sibling, or parent, is trespassing routinely - being intrusive about your life, trying to sell you on certain things or beliefs, saying things they shouldn't say, invading your space, and things like that. I don't need to come up with specific examples. You can slot in the types of behaviors that would qualify.

    I put up because I figure that the positive aspects of the friendship balance out the transgressions. I then come to the realization that this is not the case. They don't balance out. They are not good friends and not worth keeping. I then blow up at them and tell them off, giving them the laundry list. They don't dispute it. It's for real. The friendship is over. Sometimes, I have disappeared without going through this step. That's when I am not as offended by someone's cumulative behavior and trespasses.

    Can you relate?

    Is this dysfunctional? Or can you see how this would happen when someone wants to avoid a conflict, but it gets to be excessive?
     
    #1 Tightrope, Jan 10, 2014
  2. Aussie792

    Aussie792
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    It's absolutely normal. The last straw on the camel's back etc.

    You're under no obligation to forgive bad behaviour, nor to pretend it's just isolated incidents. I think that you shouldn't "blow up" instead of calmly, but firmly, discussing it.

    It's probably better to call them out on their behaviour as it comes, rather than storing up all their past indiscretions and unleashing it on them when you sever the friendship. That way they might change their actions. If they don't, which is what usually happens, then you can add "refusal to listen to complaints" to the "laundry list."
     
    #2 Aussie792, Jan 10, 2014
  3. AlamoCity

    AlamoCity
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    Yes. I have a friend who is among my best. He is Catholic (I'm not) and I came out to them as gay. He accepts me but when we have lunch and sometimes discuss events, gay topics arise. He is very snarky about cafeteria Catholics who vote for same-sex marriage and receive Communion, people who "misconstrue" the Pope's comments about gays, etc.
    If he had it his way, homosexuality would be outlawed. People may wonder why I put up with him, but I've known him for over a decade and really enjoy his company, but he needs to realize that he can't have it both ways. He can't complain that the Catholics' freedom of religion is being attacked by Obama/the Left and then claim that he's not trampling on gays by having the right to discriminate against them. To be honest, it pisses me off writing this because he should know better. That said, there may be a time where I will blow up and just call on his bullshit and say that we can be friends only if we agree to disagree and leave it at that. That said, had he been merely a "friend" or acquaintance, the relationship would have ended a while ago (like, soon after I came out). I feel one reason he tolerates me so well, unfortunately, is because I appear straight and don't act like a feminine gay guy.

    I don't think it's dysfunctional, per se, but it's a symptom of people who are gracious beyond measure, but, like all humans, reach the breaking point and can't take the intolerance/stupidity/ etc. and the pros outweigh the cons in the friendship.

    Eventually, my friend's comments, if left unchecked, could be the straw that breaks the camel's back, to quote Aussie792.

    [​IMG]
     
    #3 AlamoCity, Jan 10, 2014
  4. Tightrope

    Tightrope
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    Thanks, Aussie792 and AC. In all of these cases, they were told to cool it, firmly but calmly, at several points over the preceding years. With each of these people, about 3 such people, the area of trespassing was always the same, so they knew what the trespass was. BTW, it had nothing to do with sex and sexuality, but just living ... and not wanting them involved in structuring my life the way they felt it should be structured. Like you guys say, it was a "last straw" situation. I do not miss their friendship at all. Sure, it was great to be able to grab coffee or go get a meal somewhere, but I never knew when the next intrusion would come along. Blech. Forget about it. It bothers me, sometimes ... for the waste of time ... for a friendship that was not normal ... for not respecting boundaries ... all that stuff.
     
    #4 Tightrope, Jan 10, 2014
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