I don't want kids but i sometimes fantasize about having a baby with another woman

Re: I don't want kids but i sometimes fantasize about having a baby with another woma

Maybe you like the idea of making a family with woman you love.

Straight people think the ideal life is to marry a person and have children with him/her, and a gay/lesbian person can be easily influenced from this thought.

But I think the true love is the only important thing, with or without a child.

 

Re: I don't want kids but i sometimes fantasize about having a baby with another woma

Maybe it's because you associate kids with love or a loving relationship. But you can have a loving relationship without kids. And if you hate kids and feel like you would abandon them or not treat them well then definitely don't have any, regardless of your fantasies.

 

Re: I don't want kids but i sometimes fantasize about having a baby with another woma

Maybe deep down inside, you don't hate kids as much as you think, but because of the horrible things you've gone through, you don't allow yourself to have these thoughts consciously. It would be worth exploring whether that might be the case. How do you feel when you have those thoughts? Are they happy thoughts? Maybe you shouldn't cross out kids right away, remember, many abused kids have become great parents... When I read your post, I feel like you draw very quick conclusions about your ability to be a loving parent etc. Your being abused doesn't prevent you from learning how to show love... Anyway, I'm not in your skin, but I feel like maybe your body is telling you things that you try to ignore. Listen to it and try to see what it's saying to make sure you don't deny yourself anything and then live lifelong regrets... *hugs* I hope this all made a little sense to you, I find it hard to get my thoughts together when typing on my phone...

 

Re: I don't want kids but i sometimes fantasize about having a baby with another woma

On the subject of thinking you wont be "good enough" for your kid or u don't know how to raise him the right way because u didn't have that example, then first it's good that u know what is wrong and what u don't want to do to your kids, that's the start!
There are many professionals who specialize at raising kids (at least in here), which can help u in the process, after all no one is born with the ability to be a parent, but u can learn, especially from other peoples mistakes

 

Re: I don't want kids but i sometimes fantasize about having a baby with another woma

I Grew up in a broken home as well,i understand what your saying, but you never know you will probably be an amazing mom, your dreams are probably trying to tell you something about a fear you have, do you have this dream often?

 

Re: I don't want kids but i sometimes fantasize about having a baby with another woma

I'll admit I've had this fantasy a couple of times myself with my former partner (her having the baby not me) even though neither of us actually wanted to have children. I can't say I hate kids (I love my nieces and nephews but then I don't have to raise them)
I just don't feel confident that I'd be a good mother. I also worry about if I become a mom i'll lose my identity and just be someone's mom and no longer myself also. All I know for sure is if I had a kid I would never to him/her what my parents did to me.

Worrying about accidently becoming pregnant was never an issue with my former partner. Now that I'm a relationship it's been so much of a concern I use 3 different methods of birth control, including condoms. My BF has offered to get a vasectomy but I don't want him to do that, since it would be nice to keep our options open if we change our minds in the future. At least if the worst happens before we're ready I know one of us will be a good parent. He helped raise 2 stepchildren in his previous marriage and they love him as much or more than their biological mother.

Like someone else said, this fantasy is probably due to some ideal relationship fantasy of falling in love, getting married, and starting a family that straight people fall into. Like Firesmoke said, true love is the most important thing in a relationship, with or without children.

 

Re: I don't want kids but i sometimes fantasize about having a baby with another woma

I read your answer to my post, and I think maybe you're just not ready to be a mom. That's okay, but be careful to say, "I'm not ready," not, "I'm not able." Because the latter is not true, and the first indication of that is that you have these fantasies in which you have this baby that you love. You are likely just as able as anyone else. Yes, you may need some help along the way, but you wouldn't be alone. For one, you'd have a partner to help and support you in developing the self-confidence you need.

In terms of the identity thing, honestly I don't think you should worry about that. I think you are kind of over-analyzing/intellectualizing something which will come about naturally. I doubt you lose your identity when become a parent, and even if you do, you gain another one which is probably at least as satisfactory as the one you "lose." Some people think so much about these types of things that they scare themselves out of parenthood, and then realize, at age 45, that they really regret not having any...

Maybe you would benefit from talking to a young mother who could share how she feels about parenthood? Or perhaps an older mother with more grown-up kids.

Anyway, I'm not trying to convince you that you should have kids if you are so sure you don't want any. But from what you write, I feel like you are mostly scared to be inadequate as a mother, and it would be a pity to let these fears get the better of you...

PS.: about childbirth, my friend had a kid and she survived. At any rate, if there's one good thing about being a lesbian, it's that either of you could carry the baby, barring any health issues. Once again, don't over-think it, it's gonna get sorted out

 

Re: I don't want kids but i sometimes fantasize about having a baby with another woma

My mother was the example of what not to do. I always said I didnt want kids. I never did for years...till I met my wife. One morning after we'd been together over a year, I rolled over and she was looking at me and I said "I want to have a baby with her." 2 years later...we have son.

I think things change. I still am scared that I will turn out like my mother, but my wife assures me that I won't.
You're parents don't dictate how you will be as a mother, and if that desire keeps going on, maybe one day you will.

i will say this, you are 25 and right now your body is doing that to you because it wants to reproduce. I think hormones start to spike around 24 and bug you to have a baby. I know thats when it started for me and started for my wife. It just hits you.

 

Re: I don't want kids but i sometimes fantasize about having a baby with another woma

I wasn't aware of this about the hormones, because when I asked my friends for advice when I'd first slept with a guy (at 26) and didn't know why it happened, one of my friends said that my biological clock was ticking and I subconsciously wanted to get knocked up. At the time I thought that was rediculous. She didn't say why I'd want to have a baby without a partner though, because I'd lost mine 2 yrs before.

 

Re: I don't want kids but i sometimes fantasize about having a baby with another woma

Stocking,

The more you write, the more I get the feeling that you are really denying your true desire to have a child because you are scared you'll turn out like your parents. I think DrkRayne is right, the hormones are kicking in because you are at your prime child-bearing age, and it's possibly why you never realized you wanted kids until now.

I really think you're denying something, because in your last post, you say,

"Sometimes i see little babies and i think Omg this baby is so cute then i think to myself you don't want any babies so don't look at it."

Now, if we take the word "baby" and replace it with "girl" and "gay," here's what it gives:

"Sometimes i see girls and i think Omg this girl is so cute then i think to myself you don't want to be gay so don't look at it."

Hmmm... You see what I mean? You are suppressing your feelings because they conflict with what you believe to be true (that you can't be a good mother because you were abused as a child).

But it's not true that you can't be a good mother. First off, it's for sure been done before. Secondly, with the internet and all the resources it has at your fingertips, you can find support for people who have been through what you've been through. That is, if you can't find real-life support in your area.

I'm not trying to convince you that you must have a kid right away or anything like that. I'm just trying to make you see what you are trying to avoid seeing because of your background and the insecurities which stem from it, so that you don't walk away from something that you would want---and only realize it too late. I don't believe that this desire stems from internalized heterosexism or whatever people may say. Having a kid is a not a "straight" desire, it's a human desire. A loving relationship is nice, but many, many people---gays and straights---couldn't live with just that. Kids fill this empty spot that people have (a kid-shaped spot of course, since a child will likely not compensate for another deficiency in your life).

Keep your heart open.

 

Re: I don't want kids but i sometimes fantasize about having a baby with another woma

That's right! just make sure you give yourself a chance to feel what you need to feel, instead of squashing any desires like a yucky bug, just because they don't fit your current worldview. Good luck! *hug*