Bi now, gay later

*shrugs* It's their life and their call. Some of them, for whatever reasons, genuinely believe they're bisexual before changing their minds later on, while others know well that they are gay, on some level, but choose to come out and identify as bisexual first. Then you have those who come out as gay first, then bisexual later, if they decide it fits better, or ones who still admit to not being perfect Kinsey 6s, but still choose the gay label out of convenience. At the end of the day, a label is just a label, and the only person who should apply it to someone else is that person.

 

I think people who do it don't really help quell the stereotype flat out misconception that bisexuality is just a "cover up" of being gay or that it isn't real. I also think for some people it may be some sort of a stepping stone, to see if people will accept them, but I dunno. I contemplated saying I was bisexual back when I was 13, but decided against it, because back then I didn't even know I was gay yet.

 

I believe that there are people who are genuinely questioning and/or confused about their sexuality. I think bisexuality is a term that gets thrown around a lot and used as a placeholder while a person figures out their true feelings. (I'm not saying this is 100% always the case.) I do think that not really knowing your feelings or coming out too quickly as being bisexual before you've got everything figured out does cause things like people saying it's a cover up for being gay.

(Un?)fortunately, I was one of these people who claimed bisexuality before I really pegged down how I feel. I jumped the gun and was quick to label myself because when I started identifying as such, I was a young teen and felt I had to be SOMETHING. I didn't know what pansexuality was then, and I knew I wasn't 100% straight so I had to say SOMETHING. I think that's what some people end up doing is just being too quick to jump on a label or try to fit themselves into a box before they're ready.

I don't necessarily think this is wrong, I just wish people didn't feel like they have to label themselves and that they could work through their feelings and explore and question until they come up with an answer for themselves instead of trying to fit themselves into a box that maybe isn't the right one.

 

Ooh I did this for like a few days. And to tell the truth I don't honestly remember why cause I was never attracted to girls. I think the idea of being the only person I had ever met who didn't like them was weird for me. So I called myself bi for awhile before admitting it makes more sense to just call myself gay. TBH I must not have thought too hard about it at that point cause i should have realised that right away. Oh well.

 

saying your bi now is sometimes a easier stepping stone alternative for some people. like i had a friend in high school who admitted he was bi at first and then a few years later transitioned into saying he was gay.

 

Not justifying it, as it does put bisexuals in a sticky spot in terms of people's thoughts, but, to be fair, bi/pan doesn't exactly help the misconception that those of us exclusively gay/les can be (turned) straight.

Not sure where I fit in this argument though, personally. With my feelings for guys being suppressed all the way up until recent years, I likely had the assumption I was straight(thx heteronorm society). When the feelings did come out though, I think, although I definitely didn't want to admit it to myself or others obviously, it all added up to me. What I mean is that, while I really liked the attention I got from girls over the years(which could have led to me being fooled further into thinking I was straight), I don't recall ever having any genuine interest in them.

With all that said, I don't remember labeling myself as bi because of it adding up. If I did though, not being out, it was only in my mind so only I knew what was going on(likely questioning or this whole bargaining thing). Crazy stuff, lol...

 

I wouldn't do it, but I understand why it's done.

 

I agree with what Chip said. It's perfectly understandable why some people identify as bi first. I'm sorry that it perpetuates the idea that bisexuality isn't real, but I can't really blame anyone for using bisexuality as a stepping stone. I myself used asexuality as a stepping stone. I regret doing that, but I was scared and deeply in denial.

 

I went though this phase for about 5 years, from age 13-17. This was in the 1980s, in northern Michigan, when there was no internet, no sites like these, no support. But it was reassuring at the time. Things have changed a great deal since then, but I still don't think coming out as gay or bi, even to oneself, is exactly 'easy'.

 

I"m a person that did not know I was lesbian or bi I thought I was bi because I dated guys and I had crushes but later on in life I found out that I'm actually a lesbian . I hate when some people that are bi or straight act like I did this on purpose and bash me for it . I really did think I was at the time maybe I was in denial or bargaining I don't know but I really did think I was bi at the time . But I really hated when people act like I did something wrong just because they were lucky to figure everything out early I was not and it took a little bit of time for me

 

It depends on if they really thought they were bi at the time, like I did.

I wouldn't advise saying you're bi as a stepping stone, for coming out as a gay if you know you really are gay, because that makes people not believe people who are really bisexual.

 

I absolutely despise this. Overall the other Bi's I know and myself get the most :***: for this. It makes us look disingenuous, and that their is no such thing as a bisexual. It's always "You say that now, but your going to be gay later". It's not just from the straight's its also from other members of the community.

And for what? Making them feel temporally good? At the cost of alienating real bisexuals. I mean yeah, their are those who don't know. But a good chunk seems to do it as a way of being seen as more "normal".

 

I think it's a legitimate thing to do. Some people genuinely feel that they are bisexual, even after much self-interrogation, but over more time they come to find that they are gay. That doesn't mean they were at any point lying to themselves. Nor does it mean they didn't do meaningful self-reflection. Questioning is a very long process for many of us.

I think the "finality" of being gay, that is, of belonging to a very well-defined category, makes gay and lesbian folks (who never identified as multisexual) have some difficulty understanding the questioning and requestioning that multisexuals often engage in.

To be honest, I think this is a pretty unsophisticated answer. Your anger is misdirected. While there is dishonesty among gay people, that's their problem, not ours. As you can see above, I describe the gay people who honestly did think they were bisexual, actively seeking out opposite-gender sexual partners and the whole nine yards. I know a few of them myself. At no point were they dishonest with themselves or with me.

You're talking about gay cowardice and dishonesty, which is different. And, to be blunt, I think your view is selfish and lacking in compassion for them. There are two problematic dynamics going on here, and these are gay problems, not bisexual problems. The first is of course a dishonesty that actually enhances homophobia (viz trying to appear to have "heterosexual potential" when that's not actually true). The second is the political implication you described, where gay and lesbian folks direct their distrust and hostility at us based on their own experiences that they are projecting on to the rest of us.

This second point is the most important, because the problem is most emphatically not that gays and lesbians are sometimes dishonest. It's that the ones who have found themselves are continuing to exclude us and direct their hostility at us. It's logically fallacious, hateful, and politically divisive. But we need to stop making it the fault of gays and lesbians who once came out as bisexual. We need to start making it the fault of people who are actually directing this hatred.

 

I didn't temporally feel good when I thought I was bi . but like the top said If maybe it is better to write questioning instead of bi when your not sure or using a stepping stone . There's a lot of things I can't stand too when it comes to my sexuality like girls who are actually bisexual but use the word lesbian even though they still like guys but not as much as they like girls . because it makes lesbians like me who don't want to be with guys look fake or like we're lying . Yeah I get mad over it but then again I found out that some of them are confused or their not sure and it is not their fault their not doing it to hurt me and if they want to sleep with guys it's their business . I can show some of those idiots out there that believe that myth that it's not true when I come out . I know it's hard to not take it personally but I think assuming that most of them are doing it because it's easy is not a good way to go . This just a result of hetero normative world that we all grew up in being straight was shoved down our throats from the day we were born. I mean most of us thought we were straight at one point some people are very lucky to know they were gay very early and stick with it . So we can't be upset with people or shocked when something like this happens or lash out at them even if they knew or didn't know . The best we can do is give good advice and past it down so the next generation after us don't have to do this . Yes it's ok to express how it affects us but lashing out is the wrong way .

 

I'm not proud, but I kind of did use bisexuality as a stepping stone earlier on, before accepting myself as gay/lesbian but I think deep down I really knew that I was gay, it was just harder to accept for myself. Also I really didn't want to be one of those people who call themselves gay or lesbian and then end up liking someone or being with someone of the opposite sex so I wanted to make sure I knew what I wanted. I had a friend on another forum who labeled herself as a lesbian, and then said how she liked this guy and I questioned her about it and she made an excuse saying she knew the guy for a long time.

I was out to my friends as bi, but I would never gush about guys or really even talk about them, I would always talk to them about girls so they always assumed I was a lesbian. I watched shows and movies online with lesbian couples in it, , ordered books from book stores about it too, and read fan fiction. I really should have just accepted it, but I didn't stick with the bisexual label for long anyways, but that doesn't really excuse the fact that I did it.

My ex-girlfriend labeled herself as a lesbian from a really young age, never liked guys or even dated them, but when we broke up she started seeing what it was like, even had a relationship with one guy before realising it wasn't what she wanted. I guess we all come to accept it in different ways.

 

Posts like gaymersofter made there are part of the reason I have, to this day, kept a lot of my personal sexuality thoughts to myself(offline) and online.