Obviously, with me being gay, this is something of a problem. I get along really well with girls and with straight guys, but I just can't form any sort of connection with other gay people. I should preface this by saying that I don't know a huge amount of gay people, but I know enough, all with varying personalities, and I'm just not able to get along with any of them. There's one in particular who, in theory, I should get along really well with. We work together very regularly as part of a committee that we are both in. We have so much in common; we're from the same general area; we study very similar things; we have tons of shared interests; etc. We're also the only 2 gay people in the group (there's about 15 in the group in total). I get along swimmingly with everybody else in the group, buy am completely apathetic towards this guy and, apart from occasionally talking to him in group situations, we practically never speak. It's not just that guy though, I just used him as one example because, on paper, all of the components are there for us to be great friends. I've noticed this pattern develop and continue with every gay person I've met. We're always friendly and cordial, but I never want to become friends with them (and possibly vice-versa). Yet I have little trouble forming fast, and meaningful, friendships with women and straight guys. I'm not really sure why this is and what I can do to change it. Advice would be greatly appreciated.
Have you considered going to events or places to meet other gay people? I know that you said that you've met enough to make you think you don't get along with other gay people, but try taking sexuality out of it for a minute and think about how many people overall that you know or met. Did you get along with a small amount of that overall number, or the majority of people that you met? This is pretty much the same for gay people. In other words, it doesn't have to do with their sexuality, you just haven't met the right people yet. If you go to places or events where you can meet a lot of gay people, then you should be able to find people who you can be friends or more with.
There's a few gay guys I know and can barely stand, sometimes I think there's something wrong with me, other times I tell myself by that same logic every straight guy should get along perfectly with all the other straight people, which is obviously not the case.
I think its pretty normal, though. Or at least its not something that is unheard of. So there's nothing wrong with you, in my opinion. I tried hanging out with other gay guys but it didn't really work out. One time I went on a trip with a group of gay guys that turned into a disastrous situation. Now I only have one gay guy that I am very close to and I veer away from the ones who are bitchy and mean. I get along more with girls and straight guys, for some weird reason. I think the sexual orientation shouldn't be the main reason to be friends with another individual. If you guys click and have tons of things in common, then sexuality shouldn't really matter much. Cheers! Cigsmoker [Sam]
We're gay, but we're still people. You get along with some people, you don't get along with others, that's life so I wouldn't worry too much about it.
I agree with that in some sense, even though myself I thought all gay ppl are really nice... I didn't meet any though, but recently I found out some nasty ones that made me change my mind >.>
It's just the particular guys that you've met. Doesn't mean that you won't ever be able to get along with a gay guy in the future
If you're finding this pattern with a bunch of gay people, it's possible that unconsciously you are seeing something in them that you're afraid of or uncomfortable with in yourself. For example, if you're just coming out, and you see them being sort of expansive and obvious (as in, sort of flamboyant) with their clothes, hand movements, etc, perhaps it makes you uncomfortable because you feel like it draws attention. Or perhaps they're just completely free and don't care how others react to them, and that bothers you. It's also quite possible that you just don't connect with this group, but I can remember, early in my coming out, being sort of disdainful of gay guys who were flamboyant and obvious because I wasn't really comfortable with myself yet.
Thanks guys for the responses. What you're all saying makes perfect sense, i.e. it's probably just a personality thing and not a sexuality thing. But it seems to happen too often for me to think that it's just an issue of personalities that aren't entirely compatible. ShadowSpirit26, I think you're probably right in that I should maybe think about going to places/events aimed specifically at the gay community, but there's not a huge gay scene where I live and I'd be slightly concerned about being recognised and outed (another guy from my hometown that I went to school with lives here, who is gay but doesn't know that I am, and he's not the most discreet of people so I'm pretty confident he'd out me). Chip, the more I think about it, the more I tend to agree with what you've said. I kind of think that I'm not quite 'there' yet in terms of self-acceptance and that is probably the best explanation for it. I'm definitely more straight-acting, and would rather people assume that I were straight, and am probably afraid of being seen as gay by association.
This is due to the fact that most gay men are either 1. Full of self hatred and take it out on other gays or 2. You're one of those catty twinks who get jealous over all other gay guys and always thinks its a competition. Either way is repulsive.
I'm not full of self-hatred, sure I'm not quite at peace with who and what I am right now, but I don't hate it either. Nor am I a catty twink. As I said initially, I am perfectly cordial with everybody, so I neither take it out on them nor view them as competition as you implied, I simply haven't been able to bond or form a connection with any of them that I've met and am trying to establish why that might be in order to remedy it. Either way, I don't feel it was necessary to get so defensive as to categorise me/my attitude as repulsive.
