1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

A feeling of envy towards younger LGBT people...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by duende84, Feb 6, 2014.

  1. duende84

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2014
    Messages:
    524
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    South Africa
    A feeling of envy towards younger LGBT people...

    I have this slight feeling of envy (not in a nasty way) towards younger people who has the ability and freedom to embrace their sexual orientation and live their lives being who they really are.

    Now you might think, whoa, this guy is in his late 20s, he is still young. Yes, that I might be but I feel like I wasted 10 - 15 years coming to grips and coming out and stepping out.

    But then reality steps in and I realise that everything happens for a good reason on a specific time. If I had to come out earlier in life I/it would have been a disaster in the first few months - probably dead in a ditch somewhere because I was a mentally "wild" person with the wrong ideas of what being gay is all about.

    Allow me to quote the movie "Cold Comfort Farm" - "Suffering purifies us."

    I want to make a toast - he is to the last few days of my 20's. Here is to 2014. Here's to coming out. And last but not least here's to (finding) love and respect. (And a special mention goes out to finding EC on the web!)
     
  2. finlandwrc

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2014
    Messages:
    138
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'm not sure I would be envious if I were you it can be hard being young and gay as I'm sure you know luckily for me it's fairly easy but for others not so.
     
  3. duende84

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2014
    Messages:
    524
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    South Africa
    I guess the part which I am envious about it the true realisation they they are gay. I was just plain dumb when I was 13 - 18 years old. Thought I was mentally broken or something compared to my mates who were dating and shagging and seemingly having fun. Made me super depressed.
     
  4. gravechild

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2013
    Messages:
    3,425
    Likes Received:
    110
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Actually, one of my biggest grips with the "later in life" section are all the regrets repeated, as understandable as they might be. The sixty year olds wish they had come out at forty; the forty year olds wish at twenty; the twenty in their teens; the teens in childhood.

    The point is that we are here, trying to figure ourselves out, find support, and guide others along in their own journey. Focusing on the present might be easier said than done (I tend to obsess and worry over the future, rather than the past), but probably the healthiest option, if you consider we only have one life to live, and one that can end at any moment.

    I didn't even start questioning until I was around 22, around a year after my first relationship and losing my virginity. For those who start sooner, great. For those who start later, great. It's not a contest to see who can come out quickest, or to the most people, which is the feeling I get some members might hold against others in the community.

    If you had been ready to come out 10-15 years sooner, you probably would have. It's not like you had 100% control over your situation. One guy said he would have rather had gay sex and died of AIDS than have remained in-denial, which I thought was absolutely absurd. The 80s scare had kept him in the closet, and if he had died then, well, we'd have one less mentor in our ranks to lead the younger generation by example.

    Hopefully you find meaning in your realization, and fulfill your goals for 2014. I'm sure you have much to offer the younger members of EC, as well.

    *toasts*
     
  5. FrozenFae

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2014
    Messages:
    223
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    I'm not so much envious of younger LGBT persons, but more both envious and happy for them that the world is moving towards a more positive view on acceptance. While we're not there yet, not by a long shot - things are getting better in certain countries.

    I know when I was younger, I didn't DARE come out in middle or high school because it was so saturated with homophobia that I would have realistically feared for my safety. I'm happy that more youthful LGBT people are able to feel comfortable enough coming out earlier and finding that love and acceptance.
     
  6. thekillingmoon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2013
    Messages:
    940
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    I think younger people have it easier now. There are still a lot of conservatives, but lgbt is often discussed in the media and there is internet. When I was growing up homosexuality was a complete taboo subject. No one talked about it and when it was brought up, it was always something negative. So I knew nothing about it. Sad to say I was even a bit homophobic myself. Nowadays every 12 year old knows that gay people exist and they have the internet to do research and hear other people's opinions on it.

    It probably would still take me years to figure it out, but I wish I knew sooner that it was normal and that it was even an option for a girl to like girls. When I was 8 or 9, I wondered about crushes and I thought girls were pretty and boys weren't. Of course, I didn't know it was ok for me to have crushes on girls, so I pretended to have crushes on boys instead. I know many kids now don't grow up in a family where they're being told it's ok to be gay, still there are all sorts of lgbt support communities and groups online and in real life and even some for the parents.
     
  7. willycubed28

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2014
    Messages:
    506
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Birmingham, Alabama
    I honestly think it is really unfair to say that younger people have it easier. Yes, there may be more acceptance for the LGBT community, and yes there may be a lot of positive media regarding the LGBT but there are still so many young people who are having a hard time coming out to their parents for fear of rejection, and fear of being thrown out into the street. To say that younger LGBT people have it easier is honestly taking away what a lot of them are going through. Many of them have to stay silent because they are afraid of the outcome if they came out to anyone.
     
  8. SemiCharmedLife

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2013
    Messages:
    3,062
    Likes Received:
    85
    Location:
    KY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I totally feel this way. I knew I wasn't straight at 15, spent 11 years fighting it, came out to myself and others as bi last summer, and re-came out as gay last week once I realized how natural and right it felt liking guys. It's been a bit like a delayed adolescence for me as I deal with all these new feelings that I hadn't allowed myself to feel for a long time. I look back at the 11 years I spent fighting myself and see so much opportunity wasted, and it's hard not to feel envious of people who can embrace who they are rather than fight it.
     
  9. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,716
    Likes Received:
    728
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I feel this way too. I do think it's easier now--and that makes me so happy. But it's still really hard for young people--and that tears me up inside. I guess the envy thing for me is more about a sort of "if I knew then what I know now" sentiment. I should have been out in college and I see now that it would have been totally alright if I had been--it feels like one of the great missed opportunities in my life, to be honest. I should have been out to at least my family in high school--they could have taken it and in some respects it might have even been less painful for them than when I tried to kill myself my senior year in high school. I feel like I didn't trust the people in my life who loved me and I regret it more than I regret anything else in my life. I understand why I took the road I did--and I've been able to forgive myself--but I still wish I had gone a different way. I'm glad more people are able to come to some sort of peace earlier in life now, and, well I wish I could have been one of them...
     
  10. mbanema

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2014
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I definitely share this feeling. Don't get me wrong -- I'm absolutely thrilled that society as a whole is making progress, even if it's not as fast as it should be -- but I can't help but think of how much better my life would be if I had come out at a young age, but that never really even crossed my mind as an option. I definitely feel like I missed out on a lot of opportunities.
     
  11. fortheloveoflez

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Messages:
    478
    Likes Received:
    2
    At the end of the day jealousy hurts you. So for your sake, try to keep out of it!
     
  12. Andstillimhere7

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2013
    Messages:
    267
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Somewhere, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    For me it's hard to come out especially as a social Anxiac and I'm afraid of being judged, for some it's easy and others it's hard. I told a few people and they accept it. But I'm still trying to come out.
     
  13. C P

    C P
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2013
    Messages:
    1,826
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Traversing Weyard
    I'm just as envious of the people who at least knew or had hints that something was different(and therefore figured things out relatively earlier).

    Anyone care to hear a summary of my backstory for the millionth time? Oh goody...

    Unlike so many others I've come across, I had a pretty odd childhood, sexuality wise. For reasons I don't know, my feelings for guys were damn near 100% suppressed growing up. On the other side, due to heteronorm society, I just lived as straight but I had zero genuine interest in girls(I mean not even to the point where I felt pressure to really show interest in them). I was just...there.

    It irks me because this left my childhood practically absent of crushes(I can't give you a single response to that), I have no actual dating experience or otherwise(not even in confusion, to fit in, etc.); It left me, for the most part, directionless when my feelings finally unlocked under ~ 2 years ago. This was because almost all my friends had moved after highschool, I recently had noticed the homophobic attitudes in my family, and I've always kept to myself away from friends/family so I didn't feel I had any support and have remained pretty lonely since.

    There are definitely challenges to being younger, but what I really envy are those who at least were aware that they liked the same gender or that something was up. This allows them more time to process it.

    While everyone was dating, crushing, or at least questioning themselves and their feelings, etc., I was pretty much just sitting in the background.
     
  14. Sounds pretty much like the mirror image of my life so far though looking back I still don't regret were I am now.

    I think processing it needs a mature mind, one that isn't going to create a unhealthy image of what it means to be LGBT. As the proverb goes "Old habits die hard" and I do tend to find the ones that perpetuate the unhealthy superficial side of LGBT community do tend to come out earlier. Just be grateful you have been able to look upon with wise eyes.
     
  15. Gen

    Gen
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2012
    Messages:
    4,070
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Nowhere
    For the younger members who are taking offense to this thread it is important to understand that having more ease as a newer generation does not insinuate that this generation is without it's struggles. Being non-white in generation of your great grandparents was without a doubt a much less comfortable experience in many countries of this world; likewise as a women in this world. While those forms of prejudice and hate are still disappointing factors in our societies today, it is unreasonable to deny that things are still easier overall.

    You don't have to suffer on par with all generations that have existed in history in order for your suffering to still be valid.
     
  16. Blondeye

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2014
    Messages:
    211
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Baltimore
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Good point Finlad... I too feel envious but not horrifically!!!
     
  17. Gort

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2013
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Calgary
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I have mixed feelings. I am glad I didn't try to address my sexuality in high school when I was in a small town; I was the token smart kid in class, so I already felt different enough from that. Denial certainly was helpful at that point. I do kind of wish that once I was in university I had been a little more self-aware and able to come to terms with being gay. There are many times when I think it would have made me a lot happier. Maybe envy isn't the word I'm looking for... I guess I admire people who came out younger and had that level of confidence and self-awareness to do so. It would be nice to have been there myself when I was younger.

    But, on the other hand, I get to come out when I'm fairly mature and established as a person, so it's a bit easier to deal with. There are certainly disadvantages; I have to sort of reframe my mind after years of being pretend-straight, and I'm feeling pretty anxious about the dating part of things and being so bloody inexperienced. And I still am trying to figure out how to appropriately come out to the large diaspora of university friends I made over the years. But I've spent enough years beating myself up over things that I'm not interested in that anymore, you know? At least I'm accepting it now and not waiting another 10 years. There are going to be days where the regrets rear their head a bit, but might as well try to enjoy things for the majority of the time.

    And there would have been other things that would have sucked coming out when I was, say, 18 or so. The residence I lived in was super supportive, but I remember the sort of leaders in the LGBT community there, and while there are some that I respected and admired, there were a few that seemed to use being gay as an excuse to being dicks to everyone else. I'm not sure how well I would have fit into that crowd at the time, and now I don't have to worry about that.

    And on a lighter positive note, I'm into facial hair, which is way more common than it was 10 years ago, so men are hotter now, on average. So that's a plus to starting into the dating pool.
     
  18. Kreiger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2013
    Messages:
    307
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Sometimes I feel envious of the future LGBT youth who have yet to be born, but then I remember they might have to fight an army of lizards wielding Tomahawks and Ion Cannons in the future. Then I'm really jealous.
     
  19. C P

    C P
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2013
    Messages:
    1,826
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Traversing Weyard
    Who said I was ungrateful? I already noted that there are challenges to being younger. It also depends on other factors obviously.

    However, I can tell you that, in my own experience, I would've taken experiencing those feelings at a younger age than being almost completely absent of feelings at all like I was. I didn't have childhood crushes, I didn't have any interest in pursuing the gender I thought I was liking/supposed to like(whether by pressure, to fit in, etc.); I was just...there. It's not a good feeling at all looking back and noticing that.

    Even with the troubles of being young, especially these days(including mine btw, since I'm still relatively young), you could always look into online support and such and generally have something to look forward to when you are able to be on your own. Having those feelings only hit you when you are older has just as many problems. Being directionless about this sort of thing isn't pretty either, since not only have you lost those other years, you have to waste more processing it(which, more mature mind or not, can take just as long).

    I'm not saying I'm completely regretful of those younger years, but I definitely wish I had picked up on my feelings much sooner than the almost complete emptiness I had through them. I also had some old friends in my younger years who I personally think could've helped me through it who are long gone, so it's been pretty lonely in that sense, too.
     
    #19 C P, Feb 6, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2014
  20. An Gentleman

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2013
    Messages:
    1,673
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cali
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    You envy young LGBTs? I'm surprised- for example, gay kids get bullied by little brats and trans kids have it tough when it comes to medicine.
    The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence, except when it's brown.