Just come out - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

EddieFull · 7th Jul 2008, 04:12 AM

Hi all, I am a 31 year old man, married with no kids, and have just seperated from my wife because I am Gay. I have fallen in love with a guy and feet awful. I have told my parents who are being really supportive, however I still have intense guilt for what I have done to my ex. I feel really bad for being decietful, and marrying her. Any advice or support.

7th Jul 2008, 04:30 AM

All you can do is to have a proper chat with your ex. Its not your fault that you are gay and you shouldnt feel bad unless you have intendly done something bad.

Vampyrecat · 7th Jul 2008, 04:43 AM

Hi!
Welcome to EC first of all.
I think you should probably get in touch with a couple of our older members, Jim1454, and probably Lexington.

They're both older members, and Jim has been through a similar experience

That said, my own advice to you is to ask yourself why you are feeling guilty about what you did. Would you have preferred to lie to your wife for another 10, 20, maybe 40 years? Or would you rather hurt her less and come clean? I think if you have a talk with your ex wife you will find her a lot more understanding (and if you need, forgiving), then you think.

Catchya round

Tess.

Phixit · 7th Jul 2008, 04:48 AM

First off well done for coming out, and I’m glad you have a good support network in your family.

You’re just going to have to have a proper chat with the wife and explain to her that you care for her and love her, but just not IN love with her. (Which of course you do else you wouldn’t feel guilty)

In a situation such as this you will feel guilty you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. But would it be better to do it now than say 5 or 10 years time when maybe kids came into the picture? As time goes on you would have found it harder to do.

Sure, your wife and indeed you may find it hard and raw now but as time goes on she’ll realise you came out for her benefit as well as your own.

Lastly I’d like to say I admire you. I could never come out to my wife if I got married I don’t think I’d have the strength to do that.

beckyg · 7th Jul 2008, 05:57 AM

As hard as this is at least there aren't children involved. It could have been worse! Telling your wife the truth is the only thing you could do in spite of the pain. She'll go on to live a much happier life and you will too and hopefully through it all you can remain friends. Its obvious you do care about her very much. Hang in there, things will get better.

s5m1 · 7th Jul 2008, 10:18 AM

Hi there and welcome to EC. I am in my early 40's, formerly married, and I have kids. I understand what you are going through. The first thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong, and there is nothing wrong with being gay. You did nothing to make yourself gay, any more than you made yourself a certain height or your hair or skin a certain color. It is how you were born and it is perfectly okay. Unfortunately, there are great societal pressures that cause many of us to repress our sexuality and try to live as straight men. It is not your fault.

You took a very courageous step in accepting your sexuality and telling your wife. You should be very proud of what you did. She is still very young and will have the opportunity to meet someone else.

The process of coming out to yourself is very important and it sounds like you have started it. It took me MANY years to accept that I was gay and to become comfortable with it. I felt the whole range of emotions, from denial to anger and even hating that aspect of myself. I eventually decided that this is my life and nobody else’s to live. We only get one of them. I can choose to live it happy or unhappy. When I look back at my life at the end, I do not want to say that I lived an unhappy life because I was not true to myself. Since accepting that I was gay, my whole life has changed. I am happier than I have ever been. It feels unbelievably good to live a life consistent with who I really am.

I found that seeing a therapist/psychologist was very helpful. You may want to consider it.

Hang in there. You will get through this tough period. Keep your head up, realize that there is nothing wrong with you and begin the next phase of your life.

7th Jul 2008, 04:12 AM	#1
EddieFull Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: A few people Location: Bury St Edmunds, UK Age: 35 Posts: 14 Join Date: Jul 2008	Just come out Hi all, I am a 31 year old man, married with no kids, and have just seperated from my wife because I am Gay. I have fallen in love with a guy and feet awful. I have told my parents who are being really supportive, however I still have intense guilt for what I have done to my ex. I feel really bad for being decietful, and marrying her. Any advice or support.

7th Jul 2008, 04:30 AM	#2
smilealways Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Just come out All you can do is to have a proper chat with your ex. Its not your fault that you are gay and you shouldnt feel bad unless you have intendly done something bad.

7th Jul 2008, 04:43 AM	#3
Vampyrecat "Meow" Said the Cat. Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Everybody who Matters to me. Location: 1 hour east of Portland, Vic. Age: 20 Posts: 1,622 Join Date: Jul 2007	Re: Just come out Hi! Welcome to EC first of all. I think you should probably get in touch with a couple of our older members, Jim1454, and probably Lexington. They're both older members, and Jim has been through a similar experience That said, my own advice to you is to ask yourself why you are feeling guilty about what you did. Would you have preferred to lie to your wife for another 10, 20, maybe 40 years? Or would you rather hurt her less and come clean? I think if you have a talk with your ex wife you will find her a lot more understanding (and if you need, forgiving), then you think. Catchya round Tess. __________________ Call me Tess. Hey lets all eat chocolate!!!!!!!!!! Nom nom nom. Is the EC Gf of Heatqueen. Telly forever

7th Jul 2008, 04:48 AM	#4
Phixit Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Anyone who asks, Its just getting them to ask!! Posts: 24 Join Date: Jun 2008	Re: Just come out First off well done for coming out, and I’m glad you have a good support network in your family. You’re just going to have to have a proper chat with the wife and explain to her that you care for her and love her, but just not IN love with her. (Which of course you do else you wouldn’t feel guilty) In a situation such as this you will feel guilty you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. But would it be better to do it now than say 5 or 10 years time when maybe kids came into the picture? As time goes on you would have found it harder to do. Sure, your wife and indeed you may find it hard and raw now but as time goes on she’ll realise you came out for her benefit as well as your own. Lastly I’d like to say I admire you. I could never come out to my wife if I got married I don’t think I’d have the strength to do that.

7th Jul 2008, 05:57 AM	#5
beckyg PFLAG Mom Community Liaison Gender: Female Orientation: Straight Out Status: Out to everyone/Yes, parents come out too! Location: Middle of Oregon Age: 50 Posts: 7,572 Join Date: Mar 2007	Re: Just come out As hard as this is at least there aren't children involved. It could have been worse! Telling your wife the truth is the only thing you could do in spite of the pain. She'll go on to live a much happier life and you will too and hopefully through it all you can remain friends. Its obvious you do care about her very much. Hang in there, things will get better. __________________ "When we're free to love anyone we choose, When this worlds big enough for all different views, When we're all free to worship from our own kind of pew, Then we shall be free" ~ Garth Brooks

7th Jul 2008, 10:18 AM	#6
s5m1 Gay and Couldn't be Happier! Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Maryland Age: 46 Posts: 861 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: Just come out Hi there and welcome to EC. I am in my early 40's, formerly married, and I have kids. I understand what you are going through. The first thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong, and there is nothing wrong with being gay. You did nothing to make yourself gay, any more than you made yourself a certain height or your hair or skin a certain color. It is how you were born and it is perfectly okay. Unfortunately, there are great societal pressures that cause many of us to repress our sexuality and try to live as straight men. It is not your fault. You took a very courageous step in accepting your sexuality and telling your wife. You should be very proud of what you did. She is still very young and will have the opportunity to meet someone else. The process of coming out to yourself is very important and it sounds like you have started it. It took me MANY years to accept that I was gay and to become comfortable with it. I felt the whole range of emotions, from denial to anger and even hating that aspect of myself. I eventually decided that this is my life and nobody else’s to live. We only get one of them. I can choose to live it happy or unhappy. When I look back at my life at the end, I do not want to say that I lived an unhappy life because I was not true to myself. Since accepting that I was gay, my whole life has changed. I am happier than I have ever been. It feels unbelievably good to live a life consistent with who I really am. I found that seeing a therapist/psychologist was very helpful. You may want to consider it. Hang in there. You will get through this tough period. Keep your head up, realize that there is nothing wrong with you and begin the next phase of your life.