For most people, today is just Valentine's Day and they may choose to celebrate that with their partner or lament the fact they have none or simply ignore it or whatever. For me, it's exactly 2 months since my father died suddenly and unexpectedly and it gets harder and harder as each day passes. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to see the man who was in my life for practically every day of my existence. I still come home from school expecting to see him watching TV, reading one of his books, doing the washing up, browsing the internet or something else he did regularly. I miss all the little things and the bigger things. If I have kids some day, he'll never get to meet them. If I ever get married, he'll never see my spouse. Should I become successful in my chosen career, I'll never get to see his reaction. I can no longer rely on his support or wisdom. We didn't have a perfect relationship and he had severe anger problems which he would quite violently take out on me at times (although I must stress that he never did so physically), but we were actually getting closer during the last few months of his life. Things were starting to ease up between us and I felt his love and pride for me. Then he died of a heart attack one night without warning and here we are, 2 months on. One day, it'll be 20 years on, but I hope I retain vivid memories of him for as long as I live. I don't ever want to forget him, yet I must try and move on in some respects as I'm currently in the final year of college before University beckons and gaining high grades is important, or maybe it'll be irrelevant for me, but I want to give it a go. Anyway, for those of you who are sad about having no date today, don't worry, someone will come along; this is a silly holiday anyway. Cherish those currently close to you rather than those who don't exist in your life yet as death strikes instantaneously and without remorse. One moment you're in good health, the next you're gone. Life doesn't stop for anybody and that's an important lesson to hold on to.
(*hug*) Every time I saw your avatar in the last two months, I remembered your dad. I wish I could say more than I am sorry. One day, the worst sadness will lessen, but he will be missed for ever. But what will stay is the way you remember him and the way he brought you up. The values he taught you. And by the way you are as a person, you can make someone else happy and make his life nicer. And your dad will be a part of that (*hug*)
So sorry to hear about your father. I know its not easy to cope with something like this. (&&&) I think its good for those of us who are single to remember to appreciate those we do have in our lives. Thank you for sharing the perspective, and maybe helping create a little good in the world out of your tragic situation.
I am so sorry. I lost my Mom just over a year ago, and to be honest it still sucks now. It took me a long time to get over the shock of losing her. I started going to grief counseling because it was so hard. Yours has to so much harder, though. I didn't see my Mom for months at a time because of college and graduate school, but we did talk about once every week or so, and once she learned how to use skype, we were talking almost everyday, then all of a sudden she was gone. It will eventually get easier, but even then nothing will be the same. Holidays will sucks. I have a love, hate relationship with holidays right now. The best I can tell you is to try and take it day by day. However, considering it is still so fresh for you, hour by hour might be more realist. We are here for you, if you want someone to talk to. I will be praying for you.
This is fantastic advice; you seem like a very intelligent, compassionate guy. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss...I hope it gets easier over time but that the positive memories never fade.
Thanks guys, I appreciate it. It's funny because people I know already seem to expect me to be over it but if they took a minute to think about the consequences of never ever seeing one of their parents again, perhaps they'd feel differently. I suppose a part of me will always wish he was still here, even though he had to die some day anyway. I just figured it'd be at least 20 years from now and I wouldn't have to think about it for a long time. In hindsight, I'm glad he was in good health leading up to his death and he didn't suffer from any terminal illnesses, but the shock it caused did make everything more difficult. Well, I could ramble on about it forever. Something about typing these makes me feel a tiny bit better.
You write and express yourself well. You really painted a picture in your OP. It's always sad to lose a loved one and the negativity of any of their words or actions, for most people, tend to taper and their good traits, great memories of them, and even their interesting but innocuous quirks are what rise to the top when you think of them. So, I agree, it is a silly holiday, largely because, as regimented institutions carry less weight, fewer people might have a Valentine on Valentine's Day that it doesn't matter much to them. To me, it's just another day.
Sorry to hear about your dad. That must be tough. Two months isn't very long, so you should have more time to grieve about it if needed. I view Valentine's day as you explained in the last paragraph though. You don't really need a romantic partner, you just need to cherish the love of anyone close to you.
Soho, take the time YOU need to "process" your loss (I dislike the expression "get over" in this context, because to me it implies forgetting that person). Post here, seek counseling (therapist, clergy, whatever works for you), it's ok, there's no standard grieving period set in stone anywhere. Over time, and not overnight, your life will probably fell like it's back to "normal", but every now and then you will still notice little things that remind you of your dad, of his favorite things, of his particular habits, and it will bring back happy memories. I think sometimes people expect others to "get over" their loss quickly, partly out of guilt for not having suffered that same loss themselves, if this makes any sense. I notice on your out status "all but family" - it's not too surprising you're having a challenging time, and probably an extra reason to do the brave thing and ask for help/counseling, in whatever form you find appropriate, in this transition period (my father passed away on Valentine's day and I never told him, it's not something that's easy to make peace with). Take care is a phrase used often without much meaning, but very appropriate in this situation.
Soho, every time you feel like "rambling for ever" come here and do it. Don't bottle the grief and sadness. If you don't process it, it will not go away. It took me years to be able to mourn for someone. All that time I pretended that nothing had happened and I was OK. I would not recommed you to do the same mistake. (*hug*)
Hi SohoDreamer, I am so sorry to hear about your dad's passing. As someone who lost a parent [my mom died almost 10 years ago right after I graduated from college...just a week before I started with my first job], I can certainly relate to what you're going through. All the thoughts and emotions that you have right now. Its not easy, I know. After all the firsts, I think it will be easier for you. After you celebrate the first birthday, the first thanksgiving, the first christmas and new year, I think that is when the healing process/moving on phase begins. From my experience, I think its best to let all the emotions out. Don't keep them bottled up inside. Cry if you must. The most unhealthy thing to do is to suppress all the emotions. But I will tell you that things will get better eventually. I know it seems impossible for now but things will be alright with you. All the wounds and scars that you have will cover you like an armor and you will be stronger than you have ever been in your life. Just hang in there, alright! I wish you all genuine happiness and blessings the universe has to offer. Cheer! Cigsmoker [Sam]
