Whats a guy to do...

[subiedude]

Well, last week, I had a really fucked up nightmare...

I suppose I best explain a little before hand...

This time last year I was still severly a closet case... And was doing my utmost to be straight... I was even dating a girl... yIkEs!!

Well... In said attempt I, well, we went... All the way... we did it... I hated it, but managed to, ahem, complete... while thinking about a guy...

I must say, I'll never do that again... that was the very end of last july or aug, I honostly dont remember...

Eventually we broke up, end of aug, first of sept.

Back to the dream... I drempt that last Nov. I got a call from Av saying she was pregnant with my baby, no, we didnt use protection...

Anyways, I convinced her to not have an abortion but to sign all parental responsibilities over to me, the kid was born in feb and I was a gay teen with a son...

back to reality... that dream kinda messed with my head, and today I decided to call her, just to say high, she knows I'm gay... and is/was cool with it...

We were talking, and she when I asked if anything was new she got real quiet... then said, "Spencer, there is something I never told you... (awkward silence)..."

"Well, what is it?"

"Do you remember last summer, (uh, huh), well I got pregnant... and got an abortion"

*****

I flipped... we talked,well screamed and talked for about 45 mins, my entire lunch break...

I could just about kill her for that. The wench didnt even tell me. Who the HELL GAVE HER THE RIGHT TO KILL MY SON/DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont give a flying fuck that it was "in her body"

She should have talked to me, I would have done anything, absolutely anything, cut any deal to make her have the baby...

I'm still sick. I was literally puking earlier.

I just cant believe that she did that, that was as much my child as hers... and the cunt didnt even tell me until it was too late, almost a fucking year to late...

I've always dreamt of being a father... and she killed it...

This will haunt me forever... I hope it haunts her... she deserves it...

Man, to think, I could be a dad, right now, Taylor and I could have a son or daughter to raise and love, had she just talked to me. Was that too much to ask? That I have a say in the birth of my child?

I feel horrible right now... just terrible...

Taylor doesnt know what to do... besides try and calm me down,cuddle with me, which hes been doing, and hes in the bathroom right now.

So yeah, thanks for reading... I just needed to get that off my chest... I've been trippin all day...

GAH!! I need a joint!! lol... havent had one since 6th grade...

Oh yeah, my mom is flippin to.... shes about to kill her...

[LOVEjames]

Wow... o.o

I really don't have much other to say than that. I'm sorry. But if there were any a time to smoke a joint, this would definitely be it.

[Tim]

Originally Posted by LOVEjames

Wow... o.o

I really don't have much other to say than that. I'm sorry. But if there were any a time to smoke a joint, this would definitely be it.

He pretty much said it, although I don't agree with the joint thing, drugs/pot/whatever is never a good thing, in my eyes.

Wow, just wow.

[Malchik89]

Wow that is like...oh my god, i cant imagine what you are feeling. But good thing to know is that people here will be here for you in this like, beyond horrible time you must be experiencing. :\

[subiedude]

Thanks guys... I just needed to let off some steam ya know...

This sucks, I didnt really sleep last night over it... ugh

Oh and Myzou.... I was kidding about the joint thing... I stopped in 6th and wont ever again... twas a joke...

[musicgirl112233]

Wow... I'm so sorry!!

[Jebs]

I really want to say, "sorry", "I hope you feel better", but I can't. The fact that you are calling her 'cunt' and saying 'This will haunt me forever... I hope it haunts her... she deserves it...' just sounds juvenile. You can't make someone have a kid and it IS her choice when it comes down to things.

Maybe she knew you would act exactly how you are acting now, so instead of dealing with that at a tough juncture in her life; she chose to keep you in the dark. I don't really blame her. Also, you say you've always dreamed of having a child? That's cool, there is always adoption. I'm sure you could look into that and find a loving child.

[subiedude]

I'll admit... that is a little juvenile, but I'm just so pissed right now... Its a weird combination of pissed and hurt...

And this reaction is because she knew how I would react. And had she discussed it with me before this, I would never have reacted this way. Had she told me before hand, I would have pretty much done anything for her, to help her, to make sure she was okay...

Of course its ultimately her choice, no matter what I couldnt have made her do anything, but by god I sure would have tried...

It feels like she took something irreplaceable from me.

And I guess what I said also comes from some of the things she said on the phone...
like:
"I just had to think about me and how it would effect me... Youre gay, why the fuck do you care"

When she said that was when I kinda lost it and got majorly pissed...

[SlickyPants]

Wow, I can't really grasp what you're feeling right now because I've never been through it.

Perhaps though it is for the best. Even at 16 you may have all the motivation in the world to be a father-- and that's great, but you very likely lack the financial stability to take care of a child. Raising a child is expensive and they'll suck up 18 years of your life. You've just entered the workforce and it will be very hard, next to impossible to be able to raise a child, finish school and work (possibly two jobs). That doesn't leave much room for college/university/etc. so that's 18 years of stress and little sleep.

As much of a loss you're going through right now, it would probably be beneficial to wait until you're older and you have a solid job where you could reasonably afford to support yourself and a child. There will be other opportunities to have a child down the road and it would be in your best interest (and your child's) to wait until you're financially ready.

[SwissBoy88]

I am really sorry! She really should have told you...

[Daniel]

I'd hit the schnaps hard if I was you.

Damn.

I'm sorry that happened.

[Lexington]

She did take something irreplaceable from you. But you almost certainly weren't in any position, financially or emotionally, to care for it.

Lex

[Mmmike]

I'm really sorry to hear about that.

Dreams can sometimes reveal things we never knew.

[grapevine fires]

The way I see this, she did what she thought was right. It can be a scary thing to go through pregnancy and give birth, especially at a young age, and as I said, she did what she thought was right. Even though you may feel that you would be a good father, it's very hard to be at a young age because children are very expensive to raise, especially if you want to give them a good life.

[Malchik89]

^well i mean that is the rationality of it all. But when it comes to like severe emotional hurting, you dont always think with your head. And even if you come to understand what is indeed true, that still doesnt take the hurt away. So sometimes you just have to vent to let it all out

[Arrk]

I can sympathize but as many people have already said, you might not have been ready to raise a child. Now I don't know your age so this could be false but if you're young this may have been a good move on her part but, I certainly don't think it was the best. I am against abortions, and I know that this is easier said than done (especially by someone else) but putting the child for adoption in my opinion would've been the best option.

This may sound silly but I have a quote from King of the Hill that might help you calm down:
"I can't change the past, but the only think I can do is show you that you're overreacting."
The past is past and there's nothing one can do to change it. It may be hard at first or seem impossible but the best thing you can be thinking about is moving with your boyfriend to California and getting married- then adopting a child once you're completely ready and it's all planned out. ( As your profile says. :] )

I truly hope you get better.

[subiedude]

I know I wasnt ready for it, neither was she... Were both 18...

Me and Taylor (my bf, so yall know) live together in an apartment, right next door to my mom and step-dad...

Regardless of whether or not we were ready for it it wasnt the right thing to do, I know it may have thrown my life and plans a curve ball but killing something that is sooo innocent isnt right... And we commited the crime... we should have done the time, and I was willing to let her walk.

Thanks for the support guys... this so far is proving to be more emotionally painful than coming out and losing half my family...

BUT... in the words of McBeth... "Whats done is done"


In the words of Rafiki from the Lion King... "Yes, the past can hurt, but the way I see it you can either run from it, OR learn from it."

[subiedude]

Originally Posted by Mmmike

I'm really sorry to hear about that.

Dreams can sometimes reveal things we never knew.

THATS FO SHO!

This was the second time I've had a dream of this nature, before it wasnt so in-depth, so i just brushed it off....

Freaky what our minds are capable of isnt it... and we only use what? like 1-2% and einstein used 10?

[Malchik89]

Yeah, wounds heal. It just takes time. And we're all here for you. *hugs*

[LostAddict]

I hope you realize how hypocritical you're being. You're mad because she didn't even "consider" you in the whole affair, or didn't inform you. Yet, you're not even considering her position on the matter before you deemed her a cunt.