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Why does no sex = alien?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by C P, Feb 25, 2014.

  1. C P

    C P
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    Just a little minor venting for anyone who wants to be in on it.

    Why does not being interested in sex(in general, not just the holding off sense) make you a odd? I get this is a sex driven world but you'd think people wouldn't be so in shock of coming across someone who just isn't on that same wavelength, with plenty of other things to discuss.

    What I mean is I'm the type of person who isn't interested in porn, I couldn't care less to join in on sex talk(occasionally in the background hoping to zone out); the list goes on. How does it even register in someone's mind about what all they'd do sexually to/with someone they simply consider physically attactive?

    I don't mind just being on the outskirts for the most part, I just have next to nothing to contribute the majority of the time(besides joking or finding other ways to enter the convo so I'm not just sitting there).

    What I mean is that when they discover how I am, you'd have thought I grew 60 sets of arms and legs from the usual reaction.

    Anyone care to join me in the suburbs? Ha.
     
  2. beloved

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    I get this so much.

    For the longest time, I thought maybe I was just a prude compared to all of my friends. Someone would bring up masturbating and I would pipe in that I don't do that sort of thing and they would just call me a liar or say that I'm prudish.

    But I have absolutely no interest in it. Which might be part of the reason my marriage failed miserably, because my ex's entire being seems to be about sex, whereas I didn't see it as necessary in a relationship outside of procreating. He said he understood. My first was with a bf when I was 17 and he ended the relationship after a year because I wasn't "affectionate/sexual enough" and he felt like I didn't love him.

    I just don't get how people think that being sexual with someone is how you show them you love them. Like there are so many different ways to show someone you love them. Sorry, this whole thing might be off topic, lol. It's just so frustrating, because this world is so full of sex and I hate when people treat me like I'm broken because I don't have any interest in it.
     
    #2 beloved, Feb 25, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2014
  3. Argentwing

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    Because humans are only around thanks to their sexual desire. It's a common thread that unites most other people where nothing else will. Gay or whatever is one thing, but sexual creatures have an especially hard time wrapping their head around not wanting it at all if it is such a core part of who they are.

    I'll admit it's tough for me to understand at times because I'm a horny beast :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: but I've had the immense good fortune to make friends with an asexual person on here, and enough talking has gotten me more or less onto his level.
     
  4. blond

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    I know how you feel. Its almost like telling people i don't drink, they get all wide-eyed and act like i'm weird. And then if i tell somebody i'm really not a sexual kind of person, its like you said, i'm the alien.
     
  5. Lawrence

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    There are many people who think similar to you and there will always be someone more 'odd'. If you've met similar people you might find some peace.

    It's odd to them because they can't understand it... same as you can't understand their interest in sex. When most people talk about sex I joke around because that's more socially acceptable than discussing my preferences.
     
  6. Ettina

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    I wish people thought of me as alien. It'd be far preferable to them just thinking I'm repressed, and they can make me come around by pressuring me enough.
     
  7. NotBrokenYet

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    I don't really get it either. I don't think its something I'd ever really want to try. It just seems so weird to me.... like, I dont even get it when people start going on about how 'sexy' or 'hot' someone is. And I kinda feel like a bit of an alien sometimes cos its like I just don't understand something everyone seems to be all about and its just.... argh.
     
  8. C P

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    @beloved Just got finished talking with a guy who called me self centered over me trying to explain why I had no interest in meeting with him(he's one of those guys who tries to disguise themselves as understanding but with a pretty obvious sexual undertone).

    The amusing things people try to throw at you...lelele. :rolle:

    @RSwordsman There are enough people around that it'd be nice if there were some way to take that interest away a bit. XD

    @blond I'm not a drinker (or smoker either) so I feel you there. A bit of whammy fun it seems. (*hug*)

    @Lawrence This isn't a battle about who is more odd; just a simple question really.

    With that said, we aren't necessarily seeing them as weird(at least I don't; it's that, with it apparently being a big part of our nature, makes us look a bit more bizarre than the other way around). :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    @Ettina I can't quite say I'm on your level(as an asexual) but I do get the constant annoyance that is others blabbering away about how 'things will change' or trying to talk you into it and stuff(some more amusement at times :lol:slight_smile:.

    @NotBrokenYet Do I feel that or what... The term sexy has always seemed a little...foreign to me. I can consider hot as being really attractive, but I don't personally see the appeal in that either much.
     
  9. Lawrence

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    I can only understand on an intellectual level. Sex drive and human 'nature'. I wasn't aware of asexuality until recently. I don't think it quite applies to me but I relate somewhat. Some people I dated were convinced I had issues with sex that could be overcome. It was an attitude of there must be something terribly wrong with me.

    It's alien because they can't totally imagine being in your shoes. It's a habit for them to talk about sex. And also they maybe haven't read much about asexuality... ask most people here and they'd be like 'something to do with cells?'
     
  10. Fallingdown7

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    I don't identify as asexual, but I can somewhat empathize. I've never slept with anyone before and don't seem to have much of an interest in doing it, at least not as often as how some people seem like they need it to survive.

    You're not odd for feeling that way.
     
  11. Beetle

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    When I used to identify as asexual I had a coworker say to me "that's so sad."

    I'm still not super sex driven...though I do want sexual intimacy with another girl...it just takes a super close connection for that sexual urge to develop. I'm pretty sexually frustrated at the moment though but I'm not into casual hook-ups for sex.

    It is stupid though. I get it, and I don't get it at the same time. People don't seem to realize not everyone is the same.

    Oh, and I hate the accusations that you're either a prude or have autism or something. Never had those thrown at me, but have heard people make those comments about others.
     
  12. girlonfire

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    I've basically given up on telling people I'm asexual. My mom doesn't believe me ("I wasn't thinking about sex like that at your age--you don't know yet!") And people either don't know what it is or look at me like I have three eyes. It's frustrating.
     
  13. phoenix89

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    Hey C P, I am right there with you. Heck we have even had these conversations before. I have got reactions like that before. It is very annoying at times.
     
  14. Chip

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    I think part of the issue lies with the discomfort that many people, especially people who have a normally active sex drive, have about sex.

    Even for someone who regularly enjoys sex and masturbation, talking about sex is usually a delicate and somewhat embarrassing topic. We don't regularly discuss our sex lives or our masturbation habits, because it's considered vulgar, gross, or impolite in many circles. I've found that even among younger people who grew up with internet porn, actually having a frank conversation about sex is something that most people will shy away from.

    So if you think about it... if someone says they're asexual, have no interest in sex, or don't like porn or something... it may make the person who has a normal, active interest in porn or sex feel somehow guilty or shameful, or like the asexual person is somehow more admirable because s/he doesn't have such "dirty thoughts."

    It's sort of the same thing one runs into if one simply chooses not to drink alcohol, doesn't preach or make themselves any better than those who do, but find people around them are always trying to get them to drink... it's often driven by a shame-fueled discomfort about that person's own behavior.

    Sex drive is all over the map. There are people who have no interest in sex, no interest in masturbating, find porn to be mind-numbingly boring, and would much rather read a book or cook a nice meal than do anything sexual. And there are people who in their 20s or 30s masturbate 2 or 3 times a day, have sex once or twice a day. (And there are people who have sex a dozen times a day with different partners each time, but those are typically outside the "healthy" zone.) And everything in between.

    So "normal" is different for different people, and I have noticed that an awful lot of people that once described themselves as demisexual or asexual eventually find that, in fact, they do have an "average" sex drive once something changes for them (it can be psychological, physiological, situational) and they are almost always happier once this happens than they were before. That doesn't mean there aren't genuinely asexual people, or that asexual people are "broken", only that sexual drive is, for most of us, an inherent part of who we are and, from both an eastern and western medical perspective, forms, for most of us, an important part of what makes us feel whole.

    But whether one has no sex drive at all, or one at the high end of "healthy", I do think that societal shame, our inherent discomfort, and our social contract that "we don't discuss such things in polite society" plays a big role in how others react to those who have very low sex drive.
     
  15. HarryPotterFan

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    It's really just because sexual desire is basically an instinct. So, being an instinct, the reason for life to exist and continue, it's VERY common for people to love sex. And we all know that what many humans do not understand or things that go against the norm, they fear or look down upon.
     
  16. Emulator

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    I used to think that not being interested in sex is normal. Apparently not.
     
  17. Ettina

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    Yeah, asexuals are pretty strongly selected against, evolutionarily speaking.
     
  18. C P

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    @Chip I don't find people who have an active interest in all of that to be 'dirty' or anything, just would prefer not to be looked down at either for not having that interest(aka being a party pooper in nicer terms). It'd be pretty sad as well for someone to look down on someone else just because they have a higher drive. I'm also fine without said things.

    As for sex, there is no discomfort here, just no interest in (discussing) the matter. That's not to say that they can't be amusing to listen to, like say...a friend talking about some new food or ride they tried; just don't look at me like I grew snakes for arms for not having much of my own thing to throw in. The wanting to zone out thing I mentioned, that tends to happen mostly when that's all they talk about(like any topic after a while really); didn't mean for it to come across as looking down on them. It can even be a funny 'wow you guys are crazy' kind of look if they are drooling over like boobs(or girls going crazy over some guy feature that isn't interesting).

    It's like how it's no problem listening to a straight or bi friend/relative/whomever discussing a female they like. Me not seeing things the same way =/= they have to drop any such topics around me. The same as them putting up with my gibberish. :lol:

    No shame should be put on either side. (*hug*)
     
    #18 C P, Feb 26, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2014
  19. Ettina

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    I do have autism (though I prefer to say 'I am autistic', because it's part of my identity).

    Asexuality is more common among autistic people, but there are plenty of non-autistic asexuals, and plenty of non-asexual autistics. I don't think being autistic necessarily causes asexuality, instead I figure there's probably some shared genes or something. A lot of neurological differences cluster together, no one really knows why.

    Yeah. I wish people reacted to it like they do to someone not wanting a pet. Instead of acting like I'm missing out on something hugely important and I'll never be happy without it. If you're a sexual person, you can't really be happy without sex. Me? I can't imagine living life without pets - a home just doesn't seem like a home to me unless there's a friendly nonhuman living there - but I don't assume that others can't be happy without pets just because I can't.
     
  20. thekillingmoon

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    Sometimes I feel like the world is obsessed with it. It's not a completely foreign desire to me anymore, I don't like discussing it with people though. Unless it's with your significant other, why would anyone want to discuss it is beyond me. I find it awkward when someone starts telling me how they had great sex with someone. Why do they assume I want to know that?