Online Relationships and A Tragic but Relevant Story.

[Beebo]

There was once a man and a woman that lived in Berlin, Germany. The year they met was 1961, and they were completely infatuated with eachother, and they fell deeply in love. They decided to get married after a few months of being together, and they were very happy.

They knew that there was trouble brewing on the political side of things, because of the tensions of the cold war, but they did not fret it any more than they had to.

Then Tragedy struck!

The man, deeply in love, was out on business in West Berlin on the night of August 12th, the same night that political leaders of East Berlin were meeting to make an important decision: the decision to erect a wall, seperating East and West Berlin.

The Berlin Wall.

"At midnight the army, police, and units of the East German army began to close the border and by morning on Sunday August 13, 1961 the border to West Berlin had been shut. East German troops and workers had begun to tear up streets running alongside the barrier to make them impassable to most vehicles, and to install barbed wire entanglements and fences along the 156 km (97 miles) around the three western sectors and the 43 km (27 miles) which actually divided West and East Berlin."

Crossers would be killed.

The man and the woman, as you can imagine, were horribly distressed.

But their love continued, because they were smart, and they passed letters between a crack in the wall, and they did so for the whole 28 years that the wall was up. They wrote about how much they thought of eachother, and they confessed their love for eachother time and time again. They stayed completely true to eachothers love for every moment that they were seperated, never breaking a single vow in their marriage, never loving another. Even this huge wall could not stop their love.

When the wall was taken down, the lovers rejoiced.

Less than a few months after they had been reconnected, they were divorced.

************

When my teacher told me this story, it got me thinking. Online relationships can be a lot like this story.

• Why is it so easy to love from a distance?
  
• Why do you think they broke up when they got back together?
  
• Do you think this is in any way the same as Online Relationships today?
  
• Are online relationships nothing but a fantasy that we create to give ourselves hope, that it might work against all odds?
  
• And even if those odds do come true, were the feelings even real in the first place?

*sigh*

I feel bad writing this, because the guy I like right now, is someone I know only from online; from here on EC... and I know he will read this... but I think it is better to address my worries than not.

Anyways, Help me out? I can't stop this nagging doubt in my mind that online relationships are hopelessly bound to fail.

[Lexington]

I tried an online relationship once.

I met some guy playing online video games, and I hit it off with him really well. But he lived 2000 miles away. But finally, I decided to give it a go. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. He flew out to meet me here in Colorado, so we could see if we meshed in person the same way we meshed in person.

That was March 1998.
He's still here.
We're still together.

...no, long distance relationships are NOT doomed to fail.

Lex

[sexyalex]

Originally Posted by Lexington

I tried an online relationship once.

I met some guy playing online video games, and I hit it off with him really well. But he lived 2000 miles away. But finally, I decided to give it a go. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. He flew out to meet me here in Colorado, so we could see if we meshed in person the same way we meshed in person.

That was March 1998.
He's still here.
We're still together.

...no, long distance relationships are NOT doomed to fail.

Lex

Intresting...i wonder if my happly ever after will be that sucessful cuz i met my bf/online bf in halo

wait....Xbox live counts as online right?! so anyways, we both plan to go to the same univeristy so i hope that works out the distance aspect

nahh, i don' think long distance relationships are hopeless beebo; My sister mate her husband online and they got married last march in his home country (France)

unfortunately i didn't go. I had A-Levels exam to prepare for.

[beckyg]

My son met his partner online. They have been together a couple years now. My daughter met her husband online. They have been married a year and a half. My youngest is forbidden from dating anybody but a homeboy because one of my kids has to live close to home!

[Beebo]

aww becky...

hmmm...

I think my problem... and the reason the story was so relevant to me, is that I overfantisize whoever I am talking to, and I kind of try to only look at the good, and try to ignore the bad. In the story, what I think led to their seperation after they were reconnected was that they still imagined eachother in those first few months, when everything was so surreal. They only thought of eachother that way, and by the time they were back together they were completely different, they had fallen in love with the perfect versions of eachother, and they never got to see the bad sides...

I think I need to learn to love the bad parts of others instead of pretending they don't exist... because I think this is messing up a lot of relationships for me.

any advice on that?

how embaressing...

[beckyg]

Well, I think this happens in all relationships. Its just in the story it took alot longer because they weren't together. If you are dating somebody long enough you are going to see some bad things about them. If you love them you'll overlook some but really try to not overlook the biggies. Sometimes there are things that are just too big to ignore. There is a reason they say "love is blind". On the other hand, you don't want to walk away from somebody who is amazing because they squeeze the toothpaste from the top of the tube.

I read Lex's story a loooong time ago, when browsing a random topic. I guess you could say it inspired hope and confidence in me. And now, reading Becky's, that confidence is reinforced even more.

I've been working three years on my degree, and I only have one year left. After this final year marks the rest of my life. I won't be attached to a place, I won't have any bills to pay, and I don't necessarily need to "Jump into the job market" and find a job. A normal job would suffice, such as being a janitor or something. I would be working on my 3D skills on the side, improving more and more, getting myself ready for my field, making my Demo Reel as impressive as I can.

Unfortunately I can't stop what I'm doing right now. My parents have shelled out well over 60 grand to make sure I am sufficiently educated. If I were to just drop everything and take a walk, it would probably break my heart, more than it would break theirs. Not to mention I've really been stressing myself over my grades, keeping it at least above a 3.0, to prove to myself a few things.

I have learned so much in college. I've grown up so much, my mother tells me that every time I come home to visit. Not because I'm physically bigger, but mentally I am still advancing. I love my parents sooo much. Theyre expecting me to finish college, and get a great job. It is a lot of weight on my shoulders, and it feels controlling, but its the kind of control I like, motivation.

-----------------------------------

Now onto you, mister
I've had a lot of relationships in the past, but they were all cut short. While technically we are not "in a relationship" you are indeed the longest in the running.

My other relationships were cut short because I had to. I refuse to break someone's heart, by leading that person on, because I lack the confidence to break things off. I had my first boyfriend here in Pittsburgh. He had so many bad qualities that I tried to overlook, and I really did try to make things work out, but after three weeks I finally decided to break it off. I didn't really like the person he was, and he asked me to meet his parents the following weekend. I broke it off then.

But you are the first one who's different [That's counting my entire life]. The only quality I don't like about you is your lack of confidence, but even from this post, it seems you are truly trying to overcome this. I knew you would too, because you have strength, and are open to new things. You're crazy smart, beautifully imaginative, absolutely handsome, incredibly understanding, full of vibrant life, enriched with the will to succeed, built like a rhino, look great in glasses, can actually keep up with me in a video game (unlike so many), a great writer, an aspiring musician, the fantasy story you wrote really inspired me, you are not afraid to confront your fears, etc...

I know we won't get to see each other often over the next year, but I have been waiting for so long to meet someone like you, that it wouldn't bother me one bit to wait another year. And it wouldn't bother me waiting for you to finish your goals, IE university, before I jumped into my field, but luckily you wouldn't have to do that alone, as I have these past few years. I might be able to drive up from time to time, but my education comes first, no matter how much I fall for you. I'm not expecting you to believe in our success right now, but eventually I will.

I've got to go to work now, sorry if you didn't want something like this posted on a public forum, but EC is all about understanding those little, and big, bumps in the road, on the journey towards happiness and the acceptance of self. And I hope in some way this will inspire someone else. But I hope in a bigger way that it will inspire you.

-Dan

My housemate had a distance relationship with his girlfriend while he was at uni. They didn't get to see each other that often, although when they did they'd keep me awake/wake me up with their irritatingly loud sex. Anyhoo, they got engaged a few months ago, but right after he graduated (and was about to start living with her full-time) she randomly broke off the relationship completely, giving him this bullshit about how he looked after her too well or something.

I'm sure there's a moral there somewhere, but I'm too tired to figure it out...

[Tim]

XD Finally a topic I can respond to =D

My sister has been dating someone online for 3 or 4 years now, he lives in southern california, whereas we're in northern, 25 hours driving to get there on the bus. (Yes, california is big >_>). We went down to visit him twice, and she went another time alone. When she came back the last time, (when she was alone) She was quite happy. She took me aside and said "You can't tell mom. OK? *name* is going to propose to me when I go down on my birthday." And I've witnessed them firsthand online and in person. They are in love, and even though I don't know what love is, they are just like how my mom and dad were before my dad passed away. He has Muscular Dystrophy, but that doesn't stop either of them. So in my opinion, online relationships can work, but some don't just because as you said, they fall in love with their over thought fantasies, but I don't really see that happen as much as the whole "soulmate" thing. Now to answer your questions specifically.

* Why is it so easy to love from a distance?

I personally think it's because of the fact that (at least for me) it's a lot easier to talk to someone online than face to face. I talked to my friends at school a lot, but when we talked online, we sat for hours just talking, there aren't awkward silences like in person, sure, there are times things go untyped, but that isn't awkward, that's normal, as you know each other are doing different things.

* Why do you think they broke up when they got back together?

Personally, I feel in that story, it's just that 28 years of not seeing each other at all. Only letters. At least in online relationships, you can still use the phone, send pictures, videos, etc. After 28 years of not seeing someone in anyway other then letters, the spark will fade out, and even seeing them won't re-ignite it.

* Do you think this is in any way the same as Online Relationships today?

As I said, no. Online relationships are similar, but not the same.

* Are online relationships nothing but a fantasy that we create to give ourselves hope, that it might work against all odds?

In a way. Though it's true it's possible for someone to exaggerate their qualities they want you to know and hide those they don't, those who are actually looking for a relationship don't do that. In my opinion, if an online relationship doesn't work out, it's mainly A. Someone can't stand the long distance thing, and needs physical contact. B. They never were looking for a relationship. or C. They just wanted a bf or gf for the fun of it, which is really dumb.

* And even if those odds do come true, were the feelings even real in the first place?

Uh... Yes? If you fall in love, then obviously the feelings are real. Even if you may think they aren't, you can't fake love.

Sorry if it seemed a bit random, the fumes from the hair dye kind've got to me XD

[Austin]

The story was so cute up until the ending when they divorced =S

I think that long distance relationships can work if you are going to be able to see the person in person sometime.

[Phantasma]

Dude you totally just depressed me lol, good going =P

But, as someone who is in an online relationship at the moment and has survived a few bumpy spots already.. I believe it is quite possible for an online or long distance relationship to survive. You have to be realistic, though, and not become so lovestruck that you downplay or ignore problems that can and WILL arise when trying to keep a long distance relationship alive. Though it may be fun and games for the first while to flirt and have fun and talk late into the night, you have to ask yourself if the relationship is really something you want to take long term. When online if you can't see the relationship going serious than simply don't start it to begin with, because you're going to need the commitment and love to survive the difficulties that come with not being able to be physically around each other. It may not be at first, but it gets damn hard later on down the line.

As far as why they broke up.. well, in a sense, the internet is a "perfect world" for relationships. You aren't around them daily, and you can pick and choose what they know about you - effectively shaping how they view you as a person. It can be misleading and when the relationship moves offline they get EVERYTHING both good and bad, it may be too much to handle. Relationships in person can be easier because the other person tends to see you in all your glory and at your worst right from the get-go, so they know what they are getting. The internet acts as a fantasy world of sorts where most people only show their best side, so it's understandable what a shock it can be when you meet offline and they learn everything you may have not shared.

In my opinion the key to keeping a long distance relationship alive is to treat it as if it were any off line relationship. Honesty, loyalty and respect. Share both the good and the bad, and if you can accept each other for both the positives and negatives than I believe love will pull you through. BUT.. I've started to ramble and can't remember what my point was supposed to be anyways.. so, ya. I'm done.

[Kenko]

My sister met her boyfriend (from a different country) online using random chat in ICQ. They've been a couple probably for at least 8 years, and actually started living together 3 years ago.

[Arrk]

I think online relationships can work only if both people are true to expressing and showing who they truly are without hiding anything on the internet- which of course, is difficult. That's why I think most online-to-actual relationships fail.

For example, the people in your story didn't see each other for many years and all they had in their minds was this perfect image of the other person- unspoiled and good all-around. They wrote letters of love without any mention of their "bad" traits. That image was broken when they finally got together and began to see the "other" side of the person they didn't think about. Of course, the image they originally had was so great that it overwhelmed how the other person truly acted so then I couldn't work.

Actually, this storyline is almost identical to the novel, Gatsby. :]

[Austin]

Originally Posted by Arrk

Actually, this storyline is almost identical to the novel, Gatsby. :]

The Great Gatsby?

Originally Posted by Austin

The Great Gatsby?

edited:
never mind

Thats kinda funny but at the same time really sad. they dont get to see each other for 28 years and a short time after their united, BAM, divorce, haha. Well i guess in the end it sucks for them but for everyone else its kinda humorous. Am i a bad person for saying that?

[limepink]

! That story just sucks. Imagine thirty wasted years of their lives only to have it end so quickly.

[Beebo]

Lot's of awesome insight. (wow dan *maximum blush*)

I've got another question regarding the factor raised in South Park's episode, Over Logging.

What happens?

Stan's Sister falls hugely in love with some guy with an exotic name, like Enrique or Rico or something, over the internet. The internet crashes, and she goes into a panic because she can't talk to her 'love'. All of the United States goes into a mad frenzy because they don't know how to function without the internet. Stan's family hears that there might be some internet left over in Californee (California), in Silicone Valley, so they begin a trek across the country to reach their destination... with a new hope.

Anyways, they get there, along with thousands and thousands of other hopeful Americans, and they are put into a camp where Stan's sister runs into her 'love' who's family also came to Californee (California) for internet.

I don't know their exact dialogue, but it's very ackward and very short, and they are completely uncomfortable with eachother in person. The conversation ends with "I guess I'll see you online?", "Okay, bye", or something like that. O_O

The whole side-story between Stan's sister and her 'love' seems to kind of be a crack at how online relationships are ridiculous. It's almost like online relationships (at least with the younger ones [13-16ish] like Stan's sister) are like online games where people get obsessed with a character that they get to know, and learn to love. The way she reacted to the internet crashing was a lot like how a World of Warcraft addict (no offence out there) would react to the internet crashing: "this life is not worth living" etc...

Anyways... I've had my question answered already (the first questions I asked), but I am sure there are plenty of other people who deep down have doubts about online dating, especially at a younger age.

So far all I know for sure, is that adults can have success with online dating... but what about youth? has anyone heard of any success stories there?

[Tim]

^My story was about my sister, she started dating online with her current bf... when she was... 16 or 17 I believe? That young enough for you? lol

And South Park overexaggerates things, you know that XD

Originally Posted by Beebo

So far all I know for sure, is that adults can have success with online dating... but what about youth? has anyone heard of any success stories there?

'S harder for young people to travel so actually meeting in person might be a problem. I think the problem is judging 'success' really. Generally marriage tends to be considered a success for online dating, but kids are too young to marry etc.