Hey everyone ^.^ I was hoping a few of you would maybe be willing to give me a little feedback on what you think of this story. It's the second draft to the first part of a long term story I'm working on. I have part two as well, but it's still a rough draft. I want to touch it up a bit first before showing it here. Anyways, enjoy. :3 Spoiler Anything for Love Since the day he'd first met the senator, the boy had been madly in love. The two time and time again slipping away into a dark sleazy backwoods motel for quality private time. It was a shame their love couldn't be public, and it hurt him in ways. He understood though, a politician in such a backwoods state would never survive being outed as anything that wasn't straight. No, the bigoted people of the state would never allow such an offense. Sadly, there was nothing the boy could do. “"James, I wish we didn't have to hide like this. I want the whole world to know how I feel for you. I want you to be free to tell them. It hurts that we have to hide it like this." the young boy muttered pathetically at the imposing figure of the white furred fox. His eyes breathing in the charming and authoritative figure of the senator. It was hard to imagine that such a glorious image of power would ever feel anything for a boy such as himself. "I know Mike. I know." the senator offered in a sympathetic tone that struggle to stifle his own frustrations. He set his eyes on the young lapin boy, scanning over his soft creamy fur. James' sharp gaze savoring the lush sight of the feminine little thing before him, unable to avoid noticing that cute little cotton tail wagging behind him. "You know I've heard them talking on the news..." Mike began, "They say that you're a shoe in to be president. If you ran in the next election they say you'd be sure to win, but..." his voice trailed off as he found himself thinking about what that would mean for him. "I know, we'd have to end everything. Here and now, no questions." the offered in a defeated tone. His eyes trailing off towards the floor as even uttering the words seemed to make his stomach turn in disgust. "It's okay, I'd understand. I want you to be successful, it's what I'll always want for you. Please James, don't let me hold you back from your dreams. I..I don't think I could live with myself knowing I killed your dreams." the lapin spoke, feeling a tear welling in the corner of his eye, his voice shaking as they spoke to one another. "I could never...I love you Mark. I want us." "I love you too, that's why I want this. I want this for us." the boy offered sweetly "If I go through with this, it means this is our last night together." James reminded the boy. "I know, but it's okay. The night is still young, let's make it special." It was still fairly early in the evening, the two knew they had more than enough time to share with one another. The lapin smiled warmly as the arctic fox leaned in and pressed his lips firmly to the boy's own. Mike felt his heart fluttering in his chest as he offered a delicate moan into the male's lips. He was going to miss James' kiss most of all. ( Following set of pages has been removed due to sexual content. My apology if it feels like it's completely jumped to something new. ) "This it it." he spoke in a saddened tone. "Y..yeah, I guess it is" the bunny mumbled again struggling to fight the welling tears. He'd let himself forget about what they had said before. He had lost himself in their passionate fling, but reality had come back to find him. He felt as though his heart was being ripped out of his chest. It hurt, but he wanted the senator to live his dreams. "I know that it won't be much comfort for you now." he began, "But you will find someone else. I'm sure of it. No one in their right mind could turn down a boy as special and wonderful as you are" the fox offered to reassure the boy, heartbroken that he'd have to leave him now, "A boy like you could have anyone he wanted." "Except for you" the lapin thought silently in his head, a tear falling down his cheek as they prepared to part ways one last time. His stomach felt as if it had been twisted up in knots, but the bunny tried to remain strong. The fox himself was focusing all his strength on holding back tears. He knew a leader of men should never allow himself to cry. So he fought against it, "Don't cry" he spoke bringing a finger to help dry the boy's eyes, "I know this is tough. I feel as though I'm giving away a piece of my own soul." he admitted, "But this is the way it must be, please don't let me hold you back." he begged of his love. "I'll miss you James." he spoke struggling to find the strength to gaze into the fox's eyes one final time. "I'll miss you too Mike. Please, take care of yourself" He spoke before the two of them parted ways. The senator was the first to leave. The lapin remembered their rules and was sure to wait at least an hour so it would appear that the two had come and gone seperate from one another. The bunny had no desire to see the senator's career crumble. With the senator far away the boy felt himself lose control tears flooding down his face as he ran out into the parking lot to sob in silence. Though his tear filled session was cut short as a voice rang out from somewhere in the shadows. "The senator must be devastated" the strange ominous voice called out into the darkness, "After all his favorite little play bunny can't be his any longer" it added in a tone that felt demeaning. It was as if the strange voice was mocking the bunny. Mike tensed up. Who was it out there? What were they doing following him? Worst of all...how did they know about the senator. He was completely paralyzed with fear, what if they exposed James? He couldn't escape the thought, it was clawing away at his heart driving the fear deeper into him. "Please, I don't know who you are but..." he cried out into the shadows. "Don't you worry yourself little bunny. I've no intention of telling anyone about the senators little motel slut. No, I have only come here to make a deal with you bunny boy." the voice answered. "A deal? What do you mean?" Mike asked feeling rather confused and uncertain. "It's simple. The senator can never be with a man if he wishes to become president. He cannot be single either, though I imagine he hasn't even considered that himself." the voice offered in explanation, "Without a wife, he's doomed to lose. I can't say I understand why myself, but the people seem to feel safer with a family man running the country. I suppose it is what it is." "I don't understand. Why are you telling me this?" the boy inquired. "As I said before I have an offer to make you. That is if you wish to see the senator become president" the ominous voice informed him. "Yes, I wish for nothing more than that" Mike answered back. "It will come at a price" the voice informed him. "I don't care. No matter the price I must do all I can to help James" the lapin proclaimed. "Very well then bunny slut. Be back here tomorrow evening. In the meantime I'll be making some preparations." he spoke and as the bunny thought he had left his voice rang out one final time through the darkness, "Oh and bunny...if you show up tomorrow there will be no turning back. Do not come here unless you're ready to give everything to the senator."
This is a good start to a story, I want to be perfectly clear. However, I'm assuming that you posted this in order to get feedback. So I'm going to give both positive and negative criticism in order to help you, so don't take any constructive criticism offensively. Cons: -Explain that they are animals beforehand. Just jumping into that is kind of confusing. -Maybe don't use the word "boy" because is sounds pedophillac. Use "young man" or something of the sort. -Establish the setting. This should always be the first thing you do in any story. Establish the time period, area, circumstances, everything. Even if you end up deleting 3/4ths of it, too much setting is better than too little. -Give the voice more detail since it's so important. I know that the scenes between the love interests are more fun, but the mysterious voice needs a bigger impact. Pros: -Interesting dilemma. -Well paced chemistry between leads. -Good emotion. -Solid motivation. -Natural feeling dialogue.
I really like Abbra's methodical pros/cons format, so I think I'll use it lol. Suggestions (not really all cons): -"The two time and time again slipping away into a dark sleazy backwoods motel for quality private time." It's a sentence fragment; I'd recommend either tacking it onto the end of the previous sentence or add an action verb/predicate in there. -Tell-ish narration. What is he doing to let us know he is saddened? Coming right out and saying it doesn't make for colorful, immersive writing. The readers need to draw that conclusion on their own. Maybe his voice is tight, his eyes are down, he's trembling, something to let us know he's extremely sad without plain telling. <That's actually one of the hardest things to do well in fiction as far as I've experienced. But it's absolutely crucial. ^^Now this is what I'm talking about! It pops off the page. You see what I mean? More of that. Pros: The emotion is very real. Your reasoning behind the characters' feelings is dead on, and the story, while using language a little maudlin (took me forever to remember that word! XD) tugs at the heartstrings very capably. I'd say with a little refinement your story will encapsulate a ton of readers.
