All Alone again

Look, you're not looking for love. That much is obvious. Love is a connection with someone that should occur naturally, not through the process of actively searching and demanding it. Do not fall in love with romance before you have a stable friendship and potentially mutually-fulfilling relationship in sight.

You say you don't want to attatch importance to your money, but you revel in wealth. That attracts the people you don't want; ostentation and your obsession with material goods is pretty preventative to a healthy relationship on either side. You say you want a genuine guy, but you've set up a neat catalogue of pretty superficial characteristics (the classism is also not necessary, Alex, for either a relationship or for what should be on a support forum).

The reason you can't have a "genuine guy" is that a) no such person exists in such an easy description, and b) you're expecting one without having to work on what would attract the person you want.

 

To get the person you want, you have to be the person you want them to be. It's a two-way street. Someone else might look for those same qualities in a potential partner, and if you (both) fit the bill then you will both find what you're looking for.

I agree that you should try to build a friendship first and take things from there. Don't rush into dating someone. Get to know them and their quirks as a friend, and if you find you can live with their imperfections, then take it further.

 

I think this is the main point I agree with from the previous post. If you want to attract people like this, you need to work on how you present yourself and the type of interactions you have with others. People who are down-to earth and friendly and open, will not be impressed by your cars or house or clothes. In fact, that will probably be the last thing on their mind. You are going to have to impress them with your personality and only then will someone be interested in more than money or sex.

What I find interesting here too, is that you say you want a guy who is genuine, but your list of qualities include "university, is cute, is athletic, has a good family, is a good listener, drives, lives alone". None of those speak to be genuine. Those are all shallow characteristics (except for good listener) and what they are pursuing (money/sex) is not surprising because a guy who lives alone, drives, cute and in university, can be a complete and utter douchebag.

Try looking for a man who is open, honest, friendly, caring, trustworthy and ignore the rest of your list. Then you may find someone interested in who you are past what your monetary value is.

 

consider the things you've said here and recently

in your own words

I'm bitchy and argumentative
I don't want to change
and in the past you've talked about your materialistic side

The reality is, and I am trying to be gentle about this, you have set yourself up to capture only these men who are indeed materialistic and greedy. You have to model yourself in the manner of what you wish to attract. Once again I say you don't need to renounce money and enter poverty...but instead take some serious self analysis and see who you are...your answers are there

You don't have to overhaul your entire psyche, but I think from your discussions that your actions and demeanor are attracting these greedy simplistic guys

 

The think I would mention here is your 'out status'. It says you're out to one person. Is that true? I would ask how do you expect to attract anyone at all if they don't even know that you're gay?!?

 

I would say... Pretend you're poor (or at least, less wealthier), move to a much smaller house, have a job, use your own money to live, and throw away all your glamour lives. Act like a commoner. Don't use branded things and don't tell anyone that you're rich. You can search for a guy that's more sincere that way cause they don't know you're a wealthy person. They will show their care when you're in trouble. You will know who's the one that always stay at your side. It's hard at first, but human adapts by time.

I think, you always meet greedy person cause you live in a greedy environment where greedy person lives at. Change your environment and you will meet another people.

Beside, you can also learn how is it feel to make money by yourself. My sister grows up to a much more mature person when she knows how hard is it to live alone and manage money.

 

I believe you can change. I believe anyone can. It's a question of whether they truly want to, and how strong their will is. I can't really tell you how to do that, but I will say this. I think you want to do it for the wrong reasons. You want to change who you are in order to find love/no longer be alone. And that is selfish. I'm not saying it makes you a bad person. But you should want to change because you can be a better person. Because it's the right thing to do.

And maybe I'm off the mark here, but I suppose I could give you a few tips. Next time you want to buy something (not food or hygiene related) just don't. And carry on doing it for a while. See how little your life changes because you don't have these things you briefly wanted.

Also, on the subject of remembering to change, set a reminder on your phone to go off every day. See, no excuses.

 

I don't know how it is in Canada, but in the US, most people who are at college(University) live either on campus, which means they most likely would have a roommate or commute from their parents house, which again means they wouldn't live alone, so that is narrowing down your potential mates by a lot, also I'm sure a good amount of them don't have their own car either and use public transportation. These things, along with a good family aren't important qualities in finding a genuine man.

Are you considering going to university at all? There are obviously a lot of men around your age that you can meet and become friends with, then maybe down the road a relationship could happen. Also I know you mentioned in another thread that you may end up running your families business one day so it would be important to get a good education. Even if you don't want to do that, you could go and study something you are interested in. Find a passion, something that you want to spend your life doing and do it. Fourtunetly, you have the opportunities to try and do whatever you want to do without a lot of risk because money won't be an obstacle. Spend your time doing stuff that you are interested in. You will meet a lot of people wih similar interests doing so

 

So, this is probably going to initially come across as a bit harsh, but please understand I'm not intending to either attack you or hurt your feelings. But I do feel some direct talk is called for here.

I don't really seem much of an issue with what you list that you're looking for in a potential boyfriend. Not all that different from what a lot of people list, really, although the 'good family' thing is a bit off I think. One person's 'good family' is another's awful family.

Anyway, that all said (and not aiming to take a shot at you), I want to ask you a question or two...

Assuming you found a guy with the qualities you list above (as well as not being only interested in your money, your penis, and your things) what, beyond your money, your penis, and your things, would you be able to bring to a relationship?

I ask this because, while I don't read a huge number of your posts, those I do read seem to spend an awful lot of time talking about material things and not much else. Not saying this because I'm bothered that you come from money. First, because I don't much care, and second because my partner used to work with the children of pretty wealthy people and learned that they pretty much live in a different world from most of us. For starters, cost was simply never discussed.

Also, from some of your posts it's pretty obvious you have a lot of family stress and drama going on and (as I bet you could tell everyone here) all the money in the world doesn't really help with that. In fact, if you could have less money and more of your parents time, love, and attention in a more stable household, I bet you wouldn't mind all that much.

Rather, what I'm trying to say is that (based on what I've seen of your posts here) you don't seem to have much going on in your life beyond spending your dad's money. Now, that could just be my perception based on having missed all the posts you make on the dozens of other interests and activities you engage in and no one will be happier than I if you are easily able to point me at those posts and prove my basic premise totally wrong. But so far I've not seen those and I kinda suspect they don't exist.

Anyway, and getting back to my question above:

Assume you met a nice guy going to college who you liked and who wasn't impressed by your money. Would you be able to hold his interest and attention? Would you even be able to hold your own in a conversation with him if he wanted to talk about things like literature, politics, art, science, or business?

Coming at this from another direction, I'm assuming you know a lot of guys around your age who also come from money like yourself. What kind of people are they? Because, thinking about it, I can't help but wonder if they mostly fall into one of two categories:

a) People sort of like you, who spend their family's money, but don't seem to do much else.

b) People who are using their family's money and connections to get the best education money can buy and/or to get themselves started in the world in some endeavor that will let them make their own like and mark on the world at least semi-independently of their parents.

From the sound of your post here, the former group doesn't much interest you (and may include a fair number of the guys who only seem to be interested in your money, your stuff, and your penis). You seem to be trying to find a way out of the very materialistic and somewhat shallow world of spend, spend, spend all while trying to show of who has the bigger bank account with super whiz bang parties and such.

The latter group might interest you (and sound like a better group of people for you to associate with), but would you interest them, at least at present?

The upshot of all this (And somewhat along the lines of what some other folks have been saying here), is that you probably need to make some changes in your approach to things if you want to start meeting the type of guys you are saying you are interested in.

You have enormous resources at your disposal, but none of them are something that you've created by your own efforts. I'd suggest that you might look at changing that a bit. That doesn't mean giving up all your money and going to work some minimum wage job somewhere. What it means might be more along the lines of:

a) Do what rich people have traditionally done - support some good causes. You mention in your profile that you care about the developing world. Have you donated money to any charities that do work in that area? What about donating some of your time to them as well? Or so some of the local charities in your area.Spend some time volunteering at the Foodbank or Habitat for Humanity or something. Could you use your connections and party planning skills to arrange some fundraisers for some worthy causes or the like?


b) Get an education - As has been pointed out, if you are to eventually run your family business, an education is very important. But even if you have no interest in that, an education can broaden your horizons, teach you critical thinking skills, and make you a more interesting person all around. It may also expose you to areas of knowledge or endeavor you never knew you liked. And perhaps most importantly, a college degree would be yours, something you got through your efforts, not just by throwing your dad's money at it (his money might be paying for it - but only your effort can make you successful at it).

I guess the main point is (whether you were to do one of the suggestions above, or something else) that I think you need to find something to do with your time that is both positive and is YOURS. Something that you've created or achieved by your own efforts and not as a result of just stroking a check or whipping out a credit card. Because right now, all the things you can buy don't seem to be making you happy and may also be doing more harm than good by reminding you again and again that its your dad who's getting them (his money after all) not you.

Once you have something that is yours, you also have the option of sharing it with someone else. And once you've created something that is yours, you also become a more interesting person to the sort of person it sounds like you are interested in.

Just some thoughts,

Todd

 

Lots of good advice. Best chance of finding the guy you're looking for is if you're pursuing a degree yourself.

Consider some volunteer work too.

 

Maybe you should lower your standards.

I can so relate in a sense, though. My best friend just moved to Barrie and I feel like my charisma is just going down the drain. I have no one to talk to, no one that understands. It can get lonely, but remember to distract yourself. Word of advice without writing a wall of text: find a hobby or something, I don't know. Just distract yourself. But the more you keep looking for "love", the harder it is to find. You'll stumble upon crushes and flings that you'll want to develop into love but it won't happen. Love is built upon friendship, a mutual connection, understanding and trust. Not his education or his car or his place in society. Don't look for love, romance will pop up in disguise at all the right times and places. When it all blows over you'll be shaking your head wondering, "Where did it all go wrong?" Then comes the rebound. Ah, I don't even want to get into it. And just in case you completely ignored what I just said, keep in mind. Don't let your future interest know you're wealthy as soon as you meet them. That only ends badly.

Don't have sex, you will get pregnant

 

You don't have to tell your parents what you do in bed. They'll figure it out when you find a person that makes you happy.

There is not an endless amount of time to waste just waiting for the world around you to change into what you want it to be.

 

First things first - congratulations on having come out to more people and don't forget to update your Out status on your profile here

Secondly, you don't need to come out to anyone, be they your parents or anyone else, until you are ready to do so. That said, I can't help but think that at least part of your anxiety on this issue would be eased if you were financially self-supporting (even if not at the level you currently enjoy).

You might want to consider setting up a private savings account that is only in your name and that your parents can't touch. Then start putting something like 10% or more of whatever money you get from them into it as a 'just in case' fund. Actually I think I recall you mentioning that you had sold a vehicle or the like and banked the money. If so, then use that as the starting point for saving money on an ongoing basis. While it won't (unfortunately) alleviate all the stress of coming out to family or prevent them from taking it badly (if they do - sometimes people can surprise you), it can at least insulate you from having your income suddenly shut off. Just a thought.

Not to rain on your parade, but depending on a relationship or really on any other person to give you confidence doesn't really work. Building up experience, and expertise, and know-how builds confidence. Confidence that you can then use to help you find a relationship. Being in a relationship may then add to your confidence, but it's a different kind of feeling from making the relationship your whole foundation of being.

As far as the things you don't know - to quote Kipling (specifically Riki-Tiki-Tavi): when you don't know - run and find out!

You seem to have a fair bit of free time - so use some of it to work on finding out the answers to things you don't know. It's Ok to not know what you want to study in college. But don't let it paralyze you. Instead, see what you can do to learn more about what things you might like to do. Maybe audit some college classes in subjects that sound interesting. Or take some classes at the local community college or community center. Maybe see if there's some kind of art center in the area that gives classes in glass blowing or sculpture of the like. They don't even need to be directly related to your future life - they might just be things that interest you. Because once you've taken them (and worked to succeed at them), you will have the beginning of a sense that you can actually go out and do something on your own, something that requires more than just throwing enough money at the problem.

Maybe train for and run a marathon or half-marathon for charity. In my area they do that kind of thing and provide training and coaching on how to do it. I've seen a co-worker who was really not in great shape go through the training, lose a bunch of weight, and go on to run the race for a good cause.

Nothing builds confidence like a feeling of accomplishment, whether the accomplishment itself is big or small I would suggest that you need to start somewhere and you have the resources to start with practically anything you want. So no worries even if you're starting with small steps - you're still starting to move forward.

Hrm. Let me clue you in on a little something: There are only about 5 things in this world that any of us HAVE to do:

Eat, sleep, drink, urinate, defecate - everything else is voluntary. You just have to be willing to live with the consequences of the choices you make.

Unless your dad is going to put a gun to your head and kill you unless you take over the business, there is no way for your family to force you to run it that I can think of, assuming you are willing to live with the consequences of your refusal to do so. A big part of that will be how financially independent and confident you are. And you can build both of those areas by doing some of what I suggest above.

I'm sorry that your life is like this(*hug*)

Maybe it's time to start taking the first steps toward changing it? Do you have something else to do with your time that you've not mentioned to us?

Best,

Todd

 

I don't know if I can give any better advice that what has been said. I went through this thread and found myself nodding with most things that have been written.

Really, I just want to say is that I hope you find what you're looking for. It doesn't seem like you have it the easiest (I mean, I don't know anyone who really does) and I genuinely hope that you find that slice of happiness.